Sima Yi Answers Letters
by Insertnameheretwentytimes
Summary: Inspired by Cao Cao Answers Letters. Sima Yi answers letters from his fellow Dw characters. May have a couple of uncensored swears. Interactive.
1. Throw your son into swimming pools

**I found a fic called "Cao Cao Answers Letters" and I thought Sima Yi could use this too. He's a guy with plenty of stuff going on.**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**I can see you in the window. Please stop staring at my wife along with the maids in my house. Fine, you can try to have your way with the maids. I don't really care. **

**You're old enough to be Chunhua's grandfather, seriously stop.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**No, I will not summon a "Xbox" for you. That is beyond unusual. Why do you want a box with an "X" on it? I honestly wonder where you getting these ideas.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi, **

**Again, I cannot summon a "PS3". Please give me something more practical and actually useful for me to summon. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Damn it Cao Pi,**

**Quit asking me to summon things I don't even think are even supposed to exist! Be like a normal boy and play outside! Is Cao Cao even taking care of you properly?!**

**I don't understand why I am even your inferior.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Watch your diet, you don't want to end up like Xu Chu. Then again, you're smarter than him, so there's not that much to worry about. Also, that girl you're seeing is a whore. Please break all ties with her.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**You broke the stove! Explain! How in the world can you break a goddamn stove?! They are hot as hell and you managed to break it without burning yourself. Your punishment? Well, you're just going to have to see me to find out.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Yes, that's what you get. Throwing you into a pond is fitting for your misdeed. Don't you sass me, I could have thrown you into a volcano, but your mother would be angry if I did, so that should suffice.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**If you have sexual feelings for your sister-in-law, go ahead. I don't care. It's not incest. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Your mother found the previous letter and got in my face about it. Don't try anything with Yuanji. If you already did, well, I don't blame you. My mistake was marrying off Zhao instead of you.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

***Attached to the letter was a box with a dress inside***

**Why did you send me this...? I think you meant to send this to Chunhua and not me? I hope you're not trying to insult me. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

**Next time you want to give gifts to me, please consider the quantities. I do not want ten dresses. I do not know ten women, so please take back eight. Those two will go to Yuanji and Chunhua. (She REALLY needs a new dress anyway.) Also, please don't send me dresses. Just because you say I look good in one doesn't mean I'd wear one. That's your thing, not mine.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xu Huang,**

**Who are you again?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Dun, **

**I did not appreciate you trying to hit me back at Fan Castle. You spent ten minutes swinging your sword at me despite I could never get hurt. I don't know what you were trying to accomplish there. **

**Sima Yi**

**(A/N: This was what actually happened with me. I used Xiahou Dun and was swinging the sword at Sima Yi for no reason.)**

* * *

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**You're drunk, go home.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Jia Xu,**

**You're drunk, go home.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Daer Wang Yi,**

**You're drunk, go home. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**You're drunk, go home. (Augh, I hate handwriting the same phrase over and over...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**I think you need to consider your choices in fashion. Please take the dress Zhang He gave me earlier.**

**Your husband**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**No, no, no! You do not need to wear less! I'm just saying you need to cover up, that's all. If I had a gold coin for every time I catch men staring at your chest, I'd be richer than Cao Cao or the Emperor.**

**Your husband**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**You can't fool me. Trying to pose as your mother and saying I am jealous? Ha. Do not eavesdrop on me again or you're going for a swim.**

**Your father**

* * *

** Zhuge Liang,**

**I do not know how you got a letter across Wei borders, but than again, you always have some fancy plan ready. Bullshit. You had to use a messenger like everyone else.**

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Dear Wang Yi,**

**If you're that lonely, ask my wife for some... comfort... Don't mind me, I'm just suggesting solutions here. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhou Yu,**

**What do you mean by "taking care" of a child wife? Here's the difference between you and I: I was arranged to marry my wife while you chose to marry that... er... little girl.**

**I also applaud you on having the guts to write to me even though I'm not sure you're supposed to be alive.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Oh, I guess you found that letter... I'm not trying anything! That's more like for you. It's just that it's not cheating if nothing enters your "area." I don't know, considering your little incident with Zhen Ji, you might be interested in Wang Yi. Don't mind me, I'm just suggesting things here. I have nothing going on with Wang Yi, but maybe if you two... **

**Your husband**

* * *

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**That is none of your business! How did you get that letter anyway? And no, I don't want you in my house. I don't know if they are actually going to do it, but don't get your hopes up.**

**As long as I don't see you, fine.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Guo Jia gave you that part of the letter, huh? And about the Zhen Ji part, yes, that happened.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Okay, you're a little mad because you never heard of this. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Oh... You're just disappointed about not seeing that. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**No, you're not getting two mothers. And were you eavesdropping on me again? Alright, meet me outside.**

**Your father**


	2. Exotic pets

**Dear Jia Xu,**

**How many times do I have to tell you? I didn't pee in the jars this time. I learned my mistake, and now I have to look closely at the jars' color before I do my business. It's very inconvenient since most of the jars are the same kind of brown. Or I'll have to go like an animal. Outside...**

**Sima Yi **

**P.S: It was Zhao.**

* * *

**Dear Guo Huai,**

**"Incendiary bullets"? I thought that giant cannon thing has infinite ammunition. Why would you need to burn an enemy when he's already being shot to death? Don't get me wrong, I like the way you think, but that idea sounds very expensive.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhong Hui,**

**I'm surprised you have the audacity to write me, the one who who kicked your sorry skinny behind back when you tried to emperor-nap the emperor. And no, I will fire Deng Ai. He's a great general. Jealous of him, huh?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhong Hui,**

**I don't care if that was hypothetical or not, it happened. I yelled at you until Chunhua stopped me. I'd like to see her yell at you, but then again, she's not willing to get out of character.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Jia Chong,**

**You have some nerve. First, you take my evil persona and now my oranges. What did I do? Go take out your anger on my son!**

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Dear Yuanji,**

**I'm going to have to make you share punishments with Zhao if he continues to act up. Be sure to be not wearing make-up when the punishments happen.**

**Your father-in-law**

* * *

**Dear Wang Yi,**

**I'm just wondering are you still considering the offer about you spending some girl time with Chunhua? Just curious, nothing more. I always look out for my fellow soldiers.**

**No, seriously, are you?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Wang Yi,**

**What? How could you assume that from me? You get that behavior from Cao Cao or Guo Jia, not me. I'm just a little creeped out with your constant stabbing-a-Ma-Chao-doll acts, so I'm assuming you're not completely satisfied with your current situation.**

**If you change your mind, you can visit her now.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Ba,**

**Do I look like your father? Ask him yourself! Though I'm pretty sure he'll just say yes to you getting a llama. You're not keeping that here.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Damn it Guo Jia,  
**

**You did what with those Romans? Also, Wang Yi's not biting, so I guess you won't get to see her do _that_.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Jia Xu,**

**Please stop wasting paper on your stupid drunk letters. Actually, why am I wasting paper on a drunk man? **

***He didn't bother signing it***

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**I don't know what you are talking about. Do you remember what happened to that maid? I don't. How's life? Do you know about the Romans? I heard they kill for sport. Those pale-skins are certainly sick bastards. Their language sounds like nothing but gibberish. How many years has it been? Is Zhao still sleeping? Is Shi still having incestuous feelings about you? Did you have some girl time with Yuanji? Did Guo Huai come by for his bullets again? Did something come in the mail? Did you do something new with your hair? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Oh fine, I just wrote all of that to distract you from the previous topic. No, no! I am not that! That describes Cao Cao more than me. Come on! I'm so much better than that! I am not writing to Wang Yi about whether or not to sleep with you so I watch through a crack. Nope. That's Guo Jia.**

**Your totally-not-perverted husband **

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**What do you mean leave Yuanji out of this? If you truely want to save her, clean up your act. Or you can just continue doing your thing and I can throw you two in the pond. Your choice.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Yuan,**

**Your son wants a llama. No, I'm serious. He's going to go up to you to ask for one of those sheep things with long necks. Just warning you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**No, I am not getting you a llama! I don't care if Xiahou Ba's getting one, why do YOU want one? But no, you're not getting one. End of story.**

**Your father**

**P.S: Get a chihuahua. (Oh wait, we already have one.)**

***This area has a small wrinkle and some drops of blood***

**P.P.S: Please dismiss that. Your mother just happened to see that part.**

* * *

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**What makes you think it was a good idea to whore yourself out to foreigners? Their skin's pale and their mind isn't in the right place. They could be hoarding diseases that will kill you. And don't you give me a "I was drunk" excuse. Actually, you don't have to say as I am sure I'll puke all over the letter you send me. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: If you're hair's falling out and you get itchy down "there", you're screwed. But I'm not a doctor.**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Dun,**

**I can't do that. I can't magically fix your eye. I'm not a mage. End of story. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Dun,**

**I'm serious. I only can use ice magic and I'm pretty sure there are no healing ice spells. Can't you just ask Hua Tuo? Wait, he's dead.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**No. End of story.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**NO.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Damn it Cao Cao,**

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Can't you get that through your head?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Damn you Cao Cao,**

**You want a pet fenghuang...? I can't do that! How many times do I have to say I am not a mage?! I can use ice magic, but that doesn't mean I can do other things! Grr... Fine. I'll "try" to do it. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**I made something, but it's not what you wanted. I never thought I could do this! Anyway, I created a qilin. Despite being an abomination of dragon and horse, I find it rather interesting. I think I'll keep it.**

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**What? You want it? I find that ironic... Since... ah, I think you don't want to be reminded of that. **

**Are you sure?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Well... It looks the right size to be ridden. Are you sure you want it? Shi seems to be very attached to it. Let me see if I can create what you originally wanted.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**I... didn't do it. I created a dragon instead. Please take it. It has wings, and it destroyed half of my house.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Your father has a dragon now. Just warning you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Pang De,**

**Do you have time to fix my house? I know you have skills in making wooden items.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji,**

**Why are you asking me? Ask her yourself. Also, my condolences for your husband getting eaten by that dragon.**

**Sima Yi **


	3. Skyyyyyrim!

**Zhuge Liang,**

**No, I will not create a dragon for you. Also, can't you do that if you're that so perfect? I always knew you were full of shit.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Keep that qilin outside. It was sitting right next to my bed when I woke up and it scared me into accidentally punching your mother.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Are you sure you can ride the qilin? The thing is very... excited... Shi already tamed it, so I guess you can try. Be careful or you'll lose a limb.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Oh, you got thrown off and now have a broken leg. Tsk, I told you to be careful. Oh well, you can stay in bed and do some unfinished work.**

**Your father**

* * *

**I forgot your name Zhuge Liang's wife,**

**If you're wondering about the dragon, no, I will not do it again for you. I'm trying to remember your name. Yu-something. Ah, I'll just call you "Juggarnaut Lady." Also, no, I don't have a "1200 volt Grade A" something-something..."**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**What nonsense were you yelling at me when I came to the palace? Don't you play dumb! You were yelling something like "Fus Ro Dah" at me while wearing some weird helmet. And you yelled "I am the Dragonborn!" I think giving you that dragon was a bad idea.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**I doubt you were drunk. Also, has the dragon spit out Cao Pi yet? I forgot to return his pen.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Oh, he's already digested and is a piece of shit sitting in the garden? It will take a while for him to be revived. The pen's attached to the letter here. Stick it into the pile.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Excuse me? You did what? You already did it with Wang Yi? When did this happen? Tell me!**

**Your husband **

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**When did you do it? How come I never knew about this? Do it again! I bet you had fun, so do it again! I'll have to go up to you directly to get the information out of you. I'll release the qilin on you if you don't tell me the details! **

**Your husband**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Stop eavesdropping on me! But I thank you for telling me your mother was lying. Now go stand outside.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Ha! You were lying! Zhao said you went out to get eggs! Trying to fool me? **

**Your husband**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Huh? What are you talking about? I'm not a pervert! You can't prove that. I'm just offering you a chance to make "friends". You need more hobbies besides killing maids.**

**Your husband**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**No, you're not the "Dragonborn" just because you have a dragon. Zhang He's making "arrow in the knee" jokes now and it's starting to tick me off. Oh, the irony.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear piece of shit that used to be my second lord,**

**I'm assuming you were suffering in that dragon's stomach for a while and now you're a piece of shit. Literally. I've always thought you were one, but now here you are, an actual piece of shit. I feel like an idiot doing this, but your father made me do this. And he's drunk, so, here it is. I'm saying shit a lot, but it actually relieves my stress. What else? Your wife's crying into a pillow since she's married to a piece of shit. **

**I'm done, you piece of shit. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: You're a piece of shit. (Haha! Just one more!)**

**P.P.S: Here's your pen.**

* * *

**Dear Pang De,**

***Attached to this was a pouch of gold***

**Here's payment for you fixing my house. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Ma Chao,**

**Great, another Shu idiot that somehow knows my address to send me a letter. I'm not Cao Cao, go bug him.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jiang Wei,**

**Oh yay, more idiots sending me letters. Don't write to this address again.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Jia Xu,**

**Stop sending me cats! I'm allergic anyway! You're drunk again! Take your stupid cats and come back when you're sober!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Wang Yi,**

**Agh! Again with the horse heads?! Stop making my name seem like a bad pun! I should tell Chunhua to send you... argh, your name has no puns. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Dig up the hole and get the dead maid's head. Send it to Wang Yi dressed in Ma Chao headgear. This will shut up her up.**

**Your husband**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Unless you want more horse heads popping up again and again, I suggest you do it. **

**Your husband**

* * *

**Dear Deng Ai,**

**Did you get the package? Please put this in Wang Yi's tent and get out. If you get found, I suppose you can withstand a few stabs.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Deng Ai,**

***Attached was tubes of medicine***

**I am very, very, very, very sorry you got stabbed thirty-seven times by Wang Yi. I didn't know she was on her time of the month. Geez, women are unpredictable.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**I hope you finished your work. You know you have nothing else to do in bed. I hope Yuanji and Jia Chong are encouraging you. Those two better not have gone outside out of boredom and are playing with the qilin. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Where do you want to do it? Office or bedroom?**

**Your husband**

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji,**

**That's not my problem. You are married to a literal piece of shit. I can't revive the digested.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji,**

**Ask Xun Yu. He's like me except he is loyal to Wei. He can (probably) help you with your piece of shit husband.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji,**

**Okay, I will stop with the "piece of shit" sentence phrases. Sorry, I just like writing it out now.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Office? Getting bold, aren't we? What if someone sees me? Nah, it's not big of a deal.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear some man with a balding head,**

**No, I don't want to "give myself" to your "lord" Jesus Christ. I am not even religious. Also, that man you showed me a picture of reminds me of my nemesis except he is pale-skinned and has beady eyes. **

**(How are these people getting my address?)**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Don't let that qilin eat the piece of shit in the Wei garden! That's Cao Pi. Hahaha! I just thought of something! Too bad Cao Pi's not dragon pee instead of dragon poop, or else the pun will be more funnier. **

**Your father **

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**You've been practicing. We've gone three rounds and you beat me on the third one. I suppose you've gotten a little better ever since your first time. A shame we don't do this often. I hope no one saw me getting my behind handed to me. Now we got that game of Go out of the way, can we have sex now?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Damn it Chunhua,**

**Oh come on! My master is a piece of shit, the other master is a literal piece of shit, my son is sexually fascinated with a food item, the other son has the IQ of a brick wall, my job is me mostly doing paperwork and dragging people out of taverns, I have a sick general that coughs in my face when I make him angry, I work with crazies and weirdos, I have a younger brother that is always bugging me about morals, my older brother's dead, another brother dead, I have daddy issues, and I have a wife that's making me seem like a pedophile. You're tearing me apart here, woman! **

**Sima Yi **

**P.S: If you change your mind, no one's in the house except Zhao since his leg is broken. But, who cares about him hearing?**

* * *

***writing is sort of jagged* Dear Zhao,**

**I will not sugarcoat this for you. You know how babies are made, right? Yes, I did that thing and you were hearing that, I guess. Don't come to me crying, you're a grown man.**

**Your father**

**P.S: I don't care if you're traumatized. I am very relaxed right now and I do not want to be bothered. Take your problems to Kiss Reject. (Jia Chong)**


	4. Demon poop

**Dear Shi,**

**Stop feeding the qilin meatbuns. It's not you, so stop feeding it that stuff. It looks like it is getting sick of them.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Fine, I'll get you a drink. I guess you deserve it since you are actually doing something useful for once in your state.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Okay, a bowl of stew.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao, **

**And noodles. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Huuuu... And some meatbuns... For a man that has a broken leg, you eat a lot. You do know eating is not going to heal your leg?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear C****ao Cao,**

***sarcasm* How's your son, Cao Poo? He's been sitting outside of the garden for weeks now, he'll get a cold if he stays out too long.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Okay, that was too soon. I thought Xiahou Yuan would get to it before me. Your heir is a piece of shit, I just can't pass that up. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Ba,**

**I don't know how you know on the current situation since your IQ is that of a door. But what you suggested may be worth a shot. Alchemy, was it? Go talk to your father and he'll pass it on to everyone in Wei and then Cao Cao will know. Don't worry, it takes a few seconds since Jia Xu, Zhang He, Li Dian, and Guo Jia are such chatterboxes.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Ba,**

**I hope you know what you are doing, or else Cao Cao will kill you. Drawing a circle around the piece of shit and turning back into a human seems rather impossible, but then again, I created a goddamn qilin and a dragon. **

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Xiahou Ba is performing the ritual and it seems to be working. Your son will smell like shit though after this. I'll write again when the ritual is complete.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**CAO CAO,**

**I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BUT THE PIECE OF SHIT TURNED INTO A SPAWN OF SATAN HIMSELF! UGH, IT HAD ALL OF ITS ORGANS PLACED IN WRONG AREAS... OH GOD! DAMN IT, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE A BOY DOING THE WORK!**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: It ate my hat and I really don't want it back. No, seriously, don't give me that hat if you kill the thing.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Xu Huang, Cao Ren, and Xiahou Dun stopped the piece of shit monster and I froze it in place. Unfortunately, today is a very hot day and the ice can't hold itself for another twenty minutes or so.**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: The heat is also making the piece of shit smell worse. **

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Talking or not, do you know alchemy? Yes, Cao Poo is a piece of shit and I know you use magic, so get to it. Cao Cao's orders.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Xun Yu knows another kind of magic and it may work this time. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**...Xun Yu did his magic... but... Hehehehe... It's just that... kmph... Cao Poo is back, but... You know what? You can come out here and see.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Xun Yu did revive Cao Poo, but... well... he's made of shit and ice. And he's melting. It's like Frosty the Snowman except he's made of bits of shit. He talks like Cao Poo, but it's hard not to laugh when his mouth droops down as he's melting. I even saw Xiahou Dun and Cao Ren sneak a snicker or two when Cao Poo was talking. He doesn't have much time left until he's a shitty watery mess.  
**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Zuo Ci will guarantee Cao Poo's death, not save him. Gan Ji's dead already. Zhang Jiao's dead. Guo Jia just has a magic stick and balls. Jia Xu's not magical. Zhuge Liang's not helping Wei in any way. Pang Tong's loyal to Shu. Fa Zheng just has a magic carpet. Xu Shu just cries and bitches. I can't do it. I don't know who else has magical abilities. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I did say I can't do it. Even if I wanted to, I'll just turn Cao Poo into a shit popsicle. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Huff... fine... I'll try to fix Cao Poo. Can I at least get something to cover my face? He smells like shit. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I'm done. The shit's gone, but Cao Poo is now made of ice. Complete ice. He's melting pretty fast also. Let me see if I can fix him again. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I saw my hat in where Cao Poo's stomach is supposed to be when he turned into ice. I still don't want it.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Cao Freeze, (Yes, I made a new pun.) is now moving and talking, but he's still melting. If I can't get his physical body back, might as well, get used to the ice body. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Ba,**

**No, I will not sacrifice an arm and a leg for him. That's stupid. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Cao Freeze stopped melting and that's where I'll stop. Though it's weird seeing my hat in his see-through stomach. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: Just don't make him eat spicy food and he should last. **

**P.P.S: The pen's stuck in his shoulder. **

* * *

**Cao Freeze,**

**I suppose this is better than being a piece of shit. Of course, you'll be useless during the winter though.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Freeze,**

**You don't feel good? *sarcasm* Gee, what did you eat? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Okay, he is trying to puke out my hat, but he has no actual stomach, so he's just choking there on my hat. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Oh... He died choking on my hat? ...That's rather embarrassing...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**When I was home, I saw you walking with no limp and was attempting to ride the qilin again. Did your leg heal before and for the past week, you made me, your brother, Jia Chong, Yuanji, and your mother bring you things while in your so-called state? Well, I assure you, you'll be much better after you go for a nice swim.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Ugh... Cao Freeze is now a puddle...? Let's try again tomorrow. Don't let your grandson splash in there.**

**Sima Yi**


	5. Body possession

***crooked writing***

**Cao Cao,**

**It's like five in the morning... Let me sleep... The cold wind can freeze the puddle before it disappears... I-*giant streak of ink because he fell asleep***

* * *

***sleep writing***

**Iao cao,**

**Hdjv cao suB uid klauvo uaoyevklx oosdl**

**Hdiama io**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**There, I'm up! Sima Hui? Fine, try him, but I doubt he will help. He just says "good" to everything people say.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**How are you writing to me even though you're in the water? Also... did you just call me by my full name...? **

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear "some dude", (What's a dude? That a type of poop?)**

**I actually read an autobiography Cao Cao wrote that describes that. He wrote he walked in a maid bathing when he was just a child and that fascinated him for his entire innocent life. The pedo part never happened, but it was taken out of context. He just said one of the Qiao sisters was cute, and everyone thought he was sick. I was standing there next to him when he said the actual sentence. It was "Qiao Da is cute, but she's not my type. Her boobs didn't come in yet, I don't want that." People only heard the first part and thought wrong. **

**That answer your question?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Lu Xun,**

**Not everything needs fire, you should know since you're a so-called strategist. Or am I wrong? But I guess Wu lets everyone in including a pubescent boy in these days. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji/Cao Pee, (He's a puddle, so yes.)**

**I guess that was his last words before he turned into a puddle after choking on my hat. Please do not send the hat back to me. Burn it. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Sima Hui's here? He's here? Oh... Okay, he can do what ever he wants now with Cao Pee.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Huh? We're not related. Just because Sima is in both of our names doesn't mean we're related.**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: Do we look like each other? No, so tell everyone he's not related to me so I won't have to answer "no" everywhere I go.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Sima Hui did it? Wow, never thought he could do it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao...**

**Sima Hui just put the water in a cup... And it could talk... That's... uh... Your heir cannot be a cup of water.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji/Cao Pee,**

**You're a frickin' cup of water now. Oh, here's a label to make sure Li Dian doesn't drink you. **

**Sima Yi**

***Label: Cao Pee Water***

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji/Cao Pee,**

***sarcasm* You're welcome for the label I sent you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**I really don't understand why you are so scared of Zhang He. Yes, he looks like a clown with his incredibly pale skin, but you're twenty-four, for hell's sake! This was understandable when you were a child, but this is ridiculous. He's weird, but he is very kind. A little too kind to be taken advantage of though, even though he can rip out your spine if you try-Now I see why you're still scared.**

**Your father**

* * *

** Dear Zhang Liao,**

**Are you sure you are not related to Chunhua? You two have the creepy eyes thing going on. Are you at least distant cousins? One of you is twice removed from the family? Separated at birth? Half siblings? Share a common ancestor?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang Liao,**

**Oh, sorry to bother you then. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: You are the one that is supposed to be taking care of Cao Pee, is he the same except he can't hit you?**

* * *

**Dear Zhang Liao,**

**He's noisy? Well, he's a cup of water, he's obviously angry. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**What? The qilin is pooping items? I don't even... **

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**When you fed it certain things, it turns into something else after it does its business? Hm... What happens if you give it water?**

**Your father**

* * *

** Dear Shi,**

**Oh, it just pees blue. Oh well, worth a shot.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I have idea for that whiny strategist you have. Xu Shu, was it? This will have effect on your water son. Just follow my lead.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji,**

**Why are you hindering process?! It's part of the plan!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji,**

**Xu Shu has to drink Cao Pee and Cao Pee can absorb his body. Simple.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji,**

**If it fails, Xu Shu will piss Cao Pee out. (And my pun will make sense now!) Now give me the cup!**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: Yes, Cao Pee will be literally pee if it fails. **

* * *

**Dear Xu Shu,**

**I'm not sure you remember me, but I am calling you to the palace. We have cake. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xu Shu,**

**What flavor...? Um... strawberry?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xu Shu,**

**Yes, yes, it's your favorite. Now come.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**When he eats the cake piece, he will be thirsty. Give him the cup of Cao Pee water. He seems to trust you, thus why you're doing this.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**How's the situation? You better not be drinking the wine that's out.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Damn it Guo Jia,**

**That wine's not for you! It's for show! I need you to tell me if you given the water to Xu Shu!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

***sarcasm* Wow, could you write to me at a better time? I'M BUSY! I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DEAL WITH YOU! GO MOLEST YOUR STUDENT!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**Ah, he drank it. Tell me what is happening.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**I'm not there because Xu Shu knows whenever I'm somewhere, something is up. You look clueless to him, so that's why you're giving him the Cao Pee. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**He doesn't feel good? Follow him.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**You have to see if the plan worked!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**He's rolling on the ground with foam out of his mouth? I'm heading down there.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Well, it worked. Cao Pee is controlling Xu Shu's body. It's weird hearing his voice out of someone who cries 24/7. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

**You remember what Cao Pi looks like, right? Fix Xu Shu into that. Why? Um... Costume party...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Zhang He's making over "Xu Pi" into your son now. Of course, his hair doesn't match though, but it can grow. Finally we got this mess behind us.**

**Sima Yi**


	6. Putting puke into a corpse

**Dear Zhao,**

**It's not polite to be calling your father his full name. You do remember that, do you? But I'll let this slip for now.**

**Your father**

**(I don't know about other cultures, but in most Asian cultures, it is very rude to be addressing your father by name.)**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**Xu Shu ate too much cake and died of diabetes. Unfortunately, Wei is not responsible for cake-abusing hogs. Did Cao Cao give my address to random people again?**

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Hu... dresses... how original... I'm sure all of us will be happy to get last-minute anniversary and birthday gifts for our wives. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: Really? Dresses? For the twenty-eighth time? Are you losing your touch? Are you going insane? Is humping your student rendered you stupid? **

* * *

**Dear Cao Freeze-I mean-Pee-I mean-Poo-I mean-Pi,**

**It's not like I have a choice. Your father and wife were constantly complaining about your forms, so I had to shut them up. To be honest, I never thought it would work. It just thought Xu Shu would just pee you out. Also, you already have a play station. **

**OUTSIDE. Go play that.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear "The Red Spy",**

**Judging by the color, you're from Wu, and I don't like Wu. So, pass. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

** Dear Lu Xun,**

**Really? That sounded like you, but okay.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**You feel sick? Did you eat something funny? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Are... you... fucking... kidding... me...? Cao Pi... puked... himself... out... of... Xu Shu's... body? Now... he's... a... barf... pile...?**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: Fuck my (work) life.**

* * *

**Dear Zhen Ji,**

**Guess what? Your husband's puke now! Now Xu Shu has gained control over his body, and he's asking why he looks like Cao Pi. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xu Shu,**

**Huh? Oh, that. Jia Xu played a prank on you when you two were hitting the town. You blacked out and he decided it would be hilarious for you to be looking like Cao Pi with short hair.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Quick, kill someone.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**If you get caught, I'll pay your bail or bribe someone to cancel your execution.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**You're not going to get executed! I was just kidding! Now, just grab the nearest guy that isn't our blood and kill him.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Huff... I heard you have a lot of stress, this is a good way to let off steam.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh fine... I'll just goooo and aaaaask Shi... You've gotten pretty soft on meeeee.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***Random corpse attached to letter***

**Thank you. Not that hard, right?**

**Sima Yi**

**(Husband of the year goes to Sima Yi.)**

* * *

**Dear Deng Ai,**

**How are you feeling? I hope you get well soon because guess what? Cao Pi is a bunch of barf now. Yes. This is a thing. Guo Huai couldn't believe it either, but I swear I heard him laughing from behind closed doors. Anyway, here's a get-well fruit basket I stole from Jia Chong that he was going to give Zhao anyway.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**I got a body. All we need to do is to force the Cao Puke into its mouth.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Does it matter? I got something that can't puke Cao Puke's soul back out.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

**We have a new recruit that wants to come to the party as Cao Pi. Can you do that?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

**Oh, about Xu Shu? Don't worry, there is no competition for the best costume.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Puke-I mean-Pi,**

**Happy now? My hat is not choking you, you're not puking yourself out, and you're not made of shit. That body was "fresh", so you won't get a smell and your soul will get used to the inside faster. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**I don't care if you have a small thingy! That body's your body now! You're no longer my problem now!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**NO! I will not use my magic to make your "thing" bigger! Ask Xun Yu! I am not going near there!**

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**Nevermind, I found Xu Shu. He choked on a cake crumb and went unconscious. Come get him. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**Oh, what happened to his face? He had a little prank pulled on him, that's all. Jia Xu's a silly man.**

**Sima Yi**


	7. He's back!

**Jiang Wei,**

**I didn't say that, not now, but maybe a few months ago. Also, your ideals are pathetic. I mean, really? What do you mean by a land of benevolence? You have to be more specific. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jiang Wei,**

**SHUT. UP. You don't know what I want in this land of ours.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang Jiao,**

**You're dead. But who knows?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Guo Huai,**

**I wish I could heal you, but I am not a mage. Maybe Xun Yu is.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Guo Huai,**

**Now you want "shock bullets". That sounds really interesting, but... Cao Cao doesn't let Jin have a big budget. (Though I often mooch off of him and Cao Pi anyway...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear "Raoed," (What kind of name is that?)**

**I don't do makeovers. ****That's Zhang He's job. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Ba,**

**You can perform that alchemy thing, why don't you just do that? The qilin blood is a maybe on certain conditions.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Is the qilin male or female?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Oh, it's male? Well, I can't get blood from it now.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Ba,**

**I can't get qilin blood because the qilin is male. I really don't want to see what it will do if you cut into it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Kagura,**

**Oh thank Nuwa, I was this close to making the new Cao Pi get eaten by the qilin. Fine, just reverse everything that has happened with the dragon and Cao Pi, and take the dragon with you.**

** Sima Yi**

**P.S: I know that, but Zhao gets himself involved with the wrong people a lot it's to the point where I stopped giving two shits.**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Stand outside for a moment. There's a visitor here.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Kagura,**

**Well, you did it. But... I don't have the qilin.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Kagura,**

**Oh fine, qilins cannot co-exist with humans blah, blah... Anyway, thanks a lot and bye. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! END OF STORY. I WILL NOT CREATE A PET FOR YOU!**

**Sima Yi**


	8. Where's my money! Where's my money!

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**How many times do I have to say this? I don't need to summon anything because you already have literally everything. What's next? You want my hat? You want my house? My kids? My wife? My money?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Ha, very funny. Once you spend a minute with her, you'll return her faster than before she kills your maid. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Just because you're around the same age as her doesn't mean you'll do better. You have a wife that's older than you, soooo... You basically married your mom.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**How many times do I have to say this? I. AM. NOT. A. PEDOPHILE. My father arranged me to be married to her, so I didn't exactly choose my bride.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**NO. I am not touching that woman. She touched you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**You know, Chunhua will crush your "area" if you try to sneak in and kidnap her and hold her as your sex slave. Yes, I figured you out pretty quickly. I WELCOME you to try. I am not visiting you in the hospital, but instead send you a ha-ha letter.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**Can I have one your wife's dresses? Nothing weird here, I just need something that replaces my wife's current dress. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**I actually slightly dislike my wife's dress. Yes, I get views of practically everywhere and that's what I don't like. I'd like to work for it, and not to be given an easy route. It sort of takes out of the fun for me. Wait, a minute, did I just reveal my sexual preferences to a foreigner? **

**Ignore this and just send me that dress!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I bet you five hundred gold you cannot break through even ONE garrison of mine. If you manage to do that, I'll eat my hat.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jiang Wei,**

**You want to bet also? You know, gambling is for adults.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jiang Wei,**

**Nuwa, that's how old you are? Why don't you look like Zhuge Liang then? Fine, I bet you and your master cannot get past my garrisons for five hundred gold. If you do, I'll throw you the gold and I'll eat my hat in front of everyone. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Ha-ha! Your forces have been crushed by yours truly! Now cough up the gold.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I don't care how poor Shu is, just give it up. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Fine, I'll have to march over there to take it by force.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Fine, you've got twenty-four hours.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**It been twenty-four hours, got my money?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Oh, alright then.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***this paper is covered in blood* *No, REALLY COVERED.***

**Zhuge Liang,**

**If you had the money before I had to march down to your little camp and beat the Nuwa and Fuxi out of you with several of your wife's toys, we wouldn't be having this mess. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I took your fan.**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Oh, what happened? Did you honestly try to rape Chunhua? I don't know if you knew, but she's not rapeable if that's a word. Anyway, ha-ha. I hope she didn't break you apart to the point I have to find a new body for you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying, **

**Glad you told me your name before, or else I would have called you "widowed." And say what? You want me to "fix" him? I don't think so. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Nope. You have nothing that can persuade me. Also, can you just ask Xun Yu? He's a mage.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Huh? Um... I'm technically... a warlock? That's what Cao Cao called me once and everyone above me began to call me.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**They're not the same! Do your research! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Lady, mages heal, warlocks attack. There's a difference.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Okay, mages can attack, but not as well.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Warlocks use demons, yes. I'm surrounded by evil, so it's easy for me to use plenty of magic. Did I mention I sleep with a demon? (Zhang Chunhua)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Okay, stop asking me whether or not I am able to help your dead husband right now. I can't do that anyway. I can only do harm than good. Can you ask Pang Tong? Oh wait, he's dead.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***This paper is slightly burnt and had some black soot***

**Yue Ying,**

**Uuuuuuuugh... You know what? Give me a minute. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Kagura,**

**Please reverse me beating Zhuge Liang to near-death. But let me take his money.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Kagura,**

**Fiiiiine, the money stays.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**You know what? Let me just destroy your forces and you so I can go home happy. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Deng Ai,**

**Still taking a while to heal? Actually, you can take your time since Shu now is a little bit weaker so it's all good. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Want a pet qilin? **

**Sima Yi**


	9. Possible glitch

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**Did I just see you giving Chunhua one of your (lame) pick-up lines? Nuwa, you're like twenty years older than her!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Okay, we all look the same age, but that doesn't mean you could be her father for all I know. Her hair's looking a little blonde-ish-Oh my Nuwa. Did Chunhua's mother have an affair with you?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Oh thank the Christian God and Nuwa, I was scared that I was married to a version of YOU.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Did your mother have any "special" friends?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm just... curious...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You don't remember your own mother...? That's just sad...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, I don't fully remember my mother as well... Last time I saw her, she was giving birth to my seventh brother. Just answer the question from before.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Good. Good to know... **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhuge Dan,**

**No, I'm sure why is there a dog bowl in the kitchen with your name on it. And I didn't give Zhao that leash. Or the collar...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Do you have a dog or something? Zhao said he got the leash and collar from you. And how come I didn't know about the dog/cat/rabbit/turtle/qilin/dragon?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**There's no dog/cat/rabbit/turtle/qilin/dragon? Then why would you need a leash and collar? Unless you're planning to get a pet, why did you get a leash?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Wait... that's for me...? Um... I'm a HUMAN being. Not an ANIMAL. You are NOT, I repeat, NOT putting that on my neck. Nope.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Wait, is this public of private? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Alright, if no one sees. ****I don't normally go that way, but what harm can it do?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Here's the qilin. Just don't let a glowing tiny girl holding a plant see it. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**Too rich for my blood. Now go back to being dead.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**You're now walking with crutches? Wow, then she must have did a number on you. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Ha. Ha. HA! When I die, you will take my widow as your concubine? Oh... you don't know... Oh well, you want to play your father? Fine. You'll die before me anyway.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Hahahaha. Yes, you will. You have a lung disease right now that is easily hidden, but you'll kick the bucket soon. (SOON.)**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I get your golden desk after you die. **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Nope, I called that. The golden desk is mine when you kick the bucket. It's in your will.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Noooo... Cao Cao changed your will because I am so worthy of your golden desk. I am so honored, though I need to clean that since you and your wife have made whoopee on it.**

**Sima Yi**

**Sima Yi's thoughts: (I changed the will by forging your father's signature.)**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**One wine bottle was gone from the cellar. And Shi and Zhao dislike alcohol. Are you having problems? Are you finally getting a mid-life crisis? Are you having daddy issues? Having that time of the month?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Sorry. Soooo... time of the month...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Pang De,**

**I'm stuck in a wall. I need you to cut me out of the wall. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Pang De,**

**It's not a glitch! I'm literally stuck in a wall! Call Xu Huang and Cao Ren also because I need you to replace the wall as well. I'll pay you. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Damn it Zhao,**

**Don't you paint pictures on my situation! This is not worth painting a picture of! And since when did you paint?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Don't use the qilin! It will bite my ass or head off!**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Zhao? Zhao? Where are you sending those paintings? No, no, no! You're not sharing that! Get back here!**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Nuwa,**

**No, I was not calling you. Wait, can you remove me from this wall?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Nuwa,**

**Oh come on! I wasted your time and now you won't bother to pull me out? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Nuwa,**

**Oh fine! I didn't need you anyway!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Get me a pillow. It's taking a while for those three to finish cutting through all of this wall, and it's late. **

**Your father**


	10. Missing dicks

**Dear Taishi Ci,**

**Who are you again? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Taishi Ci,**

**I'm sorry. I have no time to deal with some random soldier as I am stuck in the wall.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Taishi Ci,**

**Zhao sent Wu those paintings?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Bao Sanniang, **

**That sounds easy, but I'm STUCK IN THE WALL, so I can't summon your cat. (Wait, they are pretty easy to grab off the streets though, why not do that?) **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**Zhao sent Shu those paintings too?!**** He is so getting the belt after this...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhuge Dan,**

**Again, I don't know how are these squeaky toys all over your room. Probably a prank.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guan Suo,**

**Why are you complaining to me about your cat problem?! Go to Zhuge Liang or Jiang Wei!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Ah-he. Hehehe. I wish I could help you, but I don't know... since... you know... STUCK ME IN THIS WALL IN THE FIRST PLACE, can't you go get the comb yourself? I don't know what is Pang De, Cao Ren, and Xu Huang taking so long to remove one wall.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Pang De,**

**I saw you! You and Xu Huang were catcalling to the women that passed by the work site! Get back to work! Cao Ren can't do all of the work himself!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Haha. Laugh it off. You seen the painting of me stuck into a wall. But remember this: You tried to run through an invisible wall even though it was still not letting you go. You were doing that for thirty minutes. I would have given up by then, you know.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**That's funny. Is Zhong Hui passing false rumors again? Even Liu Bei wouldn't fall for that. My wife cheating on me with Zhang He... That's sort of unlikely since Zhang He is already eyeing Zhen Ji. He just sees Chunhua as a patient. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: Did you know Zhang He is a certified psychopath therapy doctor? He has Jia Chong as one of his patients as well.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Well, if that happens, I wouldn't blame her. Cao Pi is around her age, but he's a sleezeball, so that won't be happening anytime soon. Guo Jia's too old, but he is VERY convincing to almost any women, so I'll watch out. The only "affair" she had was with Zhen Ji. I didn't consider it an affair since it was two women.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Why do you want to get the details from me? Ask Chunhua or Zhen Ji.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I'm done. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**My brother doesn't like her... I think... **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Fu's too busy crying into a pillow to pursue her, so I doubt it.**

**Sima Yi**

***Fu refers to Sima Fu, Sima Yi's younger brother***

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Okay... maybe Fu may have something against me about me being the better adviser and more famous brother, but I doubt he could. He's like the exact opposite of me, and Chunhua doesn't exactly like nice guys.**

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Dear Fu,**

**Finally out of that room? I'm just wondering if you have certain feelings for any specific woman? Just asking.**

**Your brother**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Ohhhhh. Her? Wow, I didn't know you had such taste in women? Wang Yi? Huh, you know what? Go for it. **

**(It'll keep her off of me for a while, but Guo Jia's going to be pissed...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Huu... even Zhao sent you those paintings...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**Oh, you just tried to ask out Wang Yi (again for the thirty-second time) and it turns out she she already has been asked out? (Huh, I didn't know Fu had his way with women...) I am so sorry. Well, there's always Cai Wenji.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**I can tell you're drinking while I'm stuck in this wall. I can hear the chugging and glass breaking. Something wrong? Come talk to me. Just follow my voice or else you might be facing the area of the wall where my behind is. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**That's where my foot is. Move over to the left.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**No, that's my arm. Go a little to the right.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**...Uh... uh... That's my... er... thing... you're facing and talking to... Please move up!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I *soooo* really wish to make you a sandwich, but I don't know, my body is in a weird position in this wall and I can't make food in here unless you like a drywall sandwich.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Wait, since you were the one who jammed me into here, can't you pull me out? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I sat/laid in there listening to you, and you can't pull me out? Come on! You owe me!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, all you did was got half of my body out of the hole. Pull harder!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***He doesn't bother addressing it from now***

**Hard enough to tear me apart!**

* * *

**AAAAAAH! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU TOOK IT LITERALLY! GET MY LEGS AND PUT ME BACK TOGETHER!**

* * *

**Okay, I slide off of my legs like some dead octopus. Hey, I can still move my legs. **

* * *

**Pick me up and put me on my legs again and hold me there as I walk.**

* * *

**I know it looks like the gender-reversed version of that Titanic scene, but I'll slide off my legs if you don't hold me. **

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**I am in two halves. Fix me with your mage magic.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**No, I'm serious. My wife pulled me apart.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**No, it was not a sex injury! Get your mind out of the gutter! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Huh? This happened before? To who?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Ooooohhhh... That's understandable... Just fix me.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**XUN YU,**

**YOU FUCKING GAVE ME A UTERUS! GET. RID. OF. IT!**

**I am going to kill your skinny copy-catting ass if you don't get rid of this female organ out of me!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You feel empty...? DAMN IT, XUN YU!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

** XUN YU,**

**REVERSE THIS! YOU GAVE ME ONE OF CHUNHUA'S ORGANS! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Thank you! For the love of Nuwa, I was going to be both sexes for a moment thanks to you! Your magic need some work if these mistakes keep happening.**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: WHERE. IS. MY. DICK?**

* * *

**XUN YU,**

**PUT. THAT. BACK. ONTO. ME. YOU. BASTARD. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, no more parts that are not supposed to be on me and parts that are supposed to be on me are fine. YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR MAGIC. SERIOUSLY, YOU DO.**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I double-checked and I have every part I'm supposed to have. **

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**A tiger? Those things are very easy to find in the wild, I'm sure you can catch one or buy one from your Namman allies. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Oh, you got those paintings? Haha, go laugh it off with your stone face.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Meet me at my office.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Do you have a belt?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**...Ugh... A whip...? I'm trying to discipline our son, not run a kink show. Let me see what else I have.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I hope me beating you with my father's old cane would teach you a lesson. And.. uh.. yes, my father beat me with this when I was your age...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Here's your fucking sandwich. Oh, you want to hear how my day went? No, fuck you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao cao,**

**Huuuuu... Yes, yes... the paintings of me getting stuck in the wall...**


	11. Drama

**Fu,**

**Eh...? You had intercourse with her...? Um... wow... I didn't know you were that straightforward... Good for you.**

**Sima Yi**

**(He's dangerous, like me. I have never been so proud in my entire life. Though there's a chance he might go for Chunhua later.)**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**You're really torn up about the guy who took Wang Yi off your hands. You asked her for thirty-sometimes and she refuses you while this guy comes over and picks her up on the first try. *No empathy* I know, it's so sad. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**You want to know the guy...? Um... well... *Lying* I don't know who he is, but I know he looks like me.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

***More lying and sarcasm* I know, right? Not that many people resemble me except my son, Shi. But aside from him, it's just wow. Who knew someone out there has my (handsome) face? That man is bound to get many women with that face.**

** Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Unless you want an eye made of ice, I can't do anything else for you. Maybe Xun Yu can help SINCE HE TOOK OFF MY DICK ONCE. But he put it back, so maybe he can put back your eye.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

** You're drunk and sad, that's an awful combination that often leads to bad choices. Trust me, I've seen almost everyone around me do that. How about you just talk to Wang Yi and that guy to straighten this out? **

**Sima Yi **

**(I'm throwing Fu under the carriage here...)**

* * *

**Dear Pang De,**

***Attached is a three pouches of gold***

**Here's your payment along with Cao Ren's and Xu Huang's payment on the wall in my house. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Yu Jin,**

**You're looking for Cai Wenji again? I haven't seen her.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Yu Jin,**

**No, no, no! That's my wife! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yu Jin,**

**I know their faces look the same, but I can point out one big difference. Make that two big differences. (Her chest and personality.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yu Jin,**

**...You found Cai Wenji and she's... a robot...? I don't even...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yu Jin,**

**Cai Wenji is a robot with a gun attached to her arm. The only part that is human is the head. I... I can't fix this, you're going to have to ask Yue Ying in the Shu kingdom.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Calm down! She's not a robot forever! (I think you're just angry because her vagina's gone.) **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I have a new victim for you. This poor woman has the body of a robot and her head is that of a human still. Good luck.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yu Jin,**

**How did she get turned into a robot anyway?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yu Jin,**

**You found her around the borders of Shu... Yup... the Shu grease monkey got her. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**What did Cai Wenji do to you that require you and your wife to turn her into a weird human robot thing?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Oh come on, that is barely offending. I get called that and you don't see me turning everyone into shit popsicles. (Okay, maybe one guy did and I froze him.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Oh, you did it? Let me see.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**She's fine, wow, good job. You didn't put a penis on her or gave her a bad nose. Good job. This is progress to you mastering your magic.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You removed her uterus?! Why?! Why do you remove uteri?! Do you have a fetish for it?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Good, you put it back. You need to make sure your magic doesn't do that again. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Yu Jin,**

**I hope you like women with a metal skull. Xun Yu did fix her, but Cai Wenji's skull is now fused with some kind of metal. She doesn't seen affected by it, so he just left it there to avoid making it worse.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Xun,**

**No, you may not burn my house. You're a little late anyway since I already got out of the wall. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**XUN YU! **

**WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PENIS?! DID I WALK IN SOME MAGIC PORTAL OF YOURS AND IT TOOK MY DICK AWAY?! THIS HAS TO STOP! I WANT MY PENIS BACK! YOU'RE PUTTING IT BACK, YOU SICKO!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, I'll stop yelling if you just put back my male parts onto my body. You know what, I'm going to have to teach you on certain magic tricks to make sure you don't take away someone else's dick on accident.**

** Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well, you did it. I got my dick back, and it's slightly longer from before... I'm not complaining here, but why? Is it a side effect from being in the void?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, I'll stop talking about my thing. Now, first off, please don't hold up your staff when you don't want use any magic. Next, it's in your head, so you have restrain the magic flow with very strong thoughts. You can also have dirty thoughts to this. At least it works for me. Lastly, keep your soul intact and do not let a demon take over you.**

**Follow these steps and you can stop removing parts from other people.**

** Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Yes, that's it! Cao Pi walked by your work space and nothing happened. Just always be like this and you'll be fine.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Fu,**

**What happened? Your face is cut up! Did Wang Yi go too rough on you?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Some blonde guy came and beat you up with magic balls? Aw, I'm so sorry to hear that. Did you put up a good fight?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Fu,**

**I'm glad to hear that. At least you tried to protect yourself.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**I heard you beat up the guy who asked Wang Yi before you did. Did you put up a fight?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Oh, wow. That's nice. You stood up for a potential one-night stand. Good job. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**I feel like I should say this, but... heheheh, this is very funny by the way, the guy you beat up was my brother.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**I'm not going to kill you for beating up my brother. He needed an ass-kicking because he cries a lot and needs to grow up. Thought you both put up something, so I guess he'll be on his guard.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Wang Yi,**

**Isn't this nice? You're in a "like" triangle. I bet you're having fun watching people beat each other up for you. (I sure am butting my brother and Guo Jia against each other.) Also, what about my brother interests you?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**...That...? He has a "nice" personality? I don't get you. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**...He's so gullible and you like manipulating him...? Guo Jia's already like that. At least when he's not serious. Good luck on your like triangle.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Let's go in the bedroom. Now. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I don't care if it's only afternoon. I want sex.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I am not waiting until you want it!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***paper having small wrinkles and an almost imprint of Sima Yi's face***

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, have it your way.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**What...? Your "thing" is half gone...? XUN YU!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Cao Pi just wrote to me that half his thing is gone. Come on! You were doing so well! Do I need to give you a pornographic scroll to you? Not that I have any...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Give back Cao Pi his other half of the thing and let me give you this scroll I stole from Cao Cao's stash. Actually, I really don't care what happens to him as long it doesn't happen to me. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

***Attached was a porn scroll***

**Read/Look at this dirty scroll and your magic will be slightly messed up. This will help on you controlling your magic effects. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: That is not mine. That was Cao Cao's. How I control my magic is thinking of my wife's chest. Most of the time. The rest is reading a porn scroll. That I stole from Cao Cao.**


	12. Souls

**Guan Yinping,**

**How about this tiger that is made of diamond? I bet you can't crush this. Yes, it's alive. I sent it to your location via portal.**

**(Wait, why am I doing this? Oh wait, because I'm bored. And I can easily produce these.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Xun,**

**Aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnd I should care becaaaaaaaause?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Xun,**

**He's not some little kid where I have to keep every single drawing he did for me. In this case, go ahead and burn those. Erase my embarrassing situation that was painted on those papers.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Why...? Just... why...? How are you older than me...? I was supposed to look up to you! I considered you a sage! Why?! Why do you do this?! Answer me!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He, **

**Xiahou Dun's pissed. I need you to perform your doctor stuff. You know, the one where you have people lie on a couch and talk about feelings. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Does it matter if your office is open?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Ugh... He can't wait another minute-Oh, it's time. You can do your thing now with him.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**What's wrong? You have a dead family member? Someone steal your woman and she left you? You like someone else? You having an illness? Someone killed your cousin? Cao Cao sent you an empty food box and thinking of suicide? **

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You know suicide is not the answer. If it were, I would killed myself years ago when Cao Cao tried to force me to work for him. Or when I was getting a child as my wife. Or when my father beat me senseless. Or when I heard I was to be a tutor to Cao Pi. Wow, there are a lot of times I considered suicide.**

**Anyway, what can I do to help you get over this and have you give back Xiahou Dun's his thing before he kills us?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You aren't considering suicide? Okay, what is it? Hurry or else we got an angry castrated man with both working eyes on our backs.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Let me get this straight... You want me to go into the void... And kill the demon lurking in your soul...? I... uh.. I never thought that would happen... How do you know about this demon?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You considering suicide is what caused the demon to emerge and now since you changed your mind, the demon is forcing you to stick a knife near your throat...? I don't get this one bit... but it will help you control your magic normally... Fine, I'll go into the "void" and destroy this demon.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**The void is so... empty... I see some random items... AAAAAH! AH! I SAW A DICK! I DON'T KNOW WHO'S! It's not mine! I don't know who's is that! Argh! **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, your demon looks ugly as hell, but I guess suicide is already ugly. Let me perform this spell and you should be fine.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Let me out! I'm covered in demon blood! And your soul is dark. I see skeletons and rotten fruit in here. Some bodies, looking fresh. A woman with skull face paint here trying to strip me-Ah! Hey, let me out! And why is Cao Cao over there sipping tea in a table while he is dressed like the devil?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I feel like a newborn baby being covered in this much blood. Anyway, are you feeling better? If so, give back Xiahou Dun his thing back.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Dun,**

**Xun Yu should be giving you your thing back at this time.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Oh, what? You lost your dirty scroll? I have certainly never seen it. I don't know what's happening with Guo Jia lately and I do not want to know.**

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Hm...? You had sex with Wang Yi? Wait... uh... I don't... eh? I'm confused here. You know what, I am not getting into this kind of drama.**

**Sima Yi**


	13. Romans

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Are you okay now? Did you take someone's uterus or penis lately? Did Cao Cao give you a full box of food?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well, it's the the third week you didn't take anyone's parts. That's progress.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***Sima Yi forging Cao Cao's writing***

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Here is a box full of fruit and pastries. I love you, so don't kill yourself. I heard from Sima Yi about your situation.**

**Your lord, Cao Cao**

**(Uuuuuurrrrrglack! Ew... I don't want to say those three words to some guy! The only times I've ever said that were days when I made Chunhua pissed at me or when my brothers needed comfort and wanted to shut them up. )**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**(I'm surprised you didn't look at it.) Fine, send it to me and I'll sneak it back into Cao Cao's stash.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**Excuse my language towards a little girl, but... HOW. THE. FUCK. DO. YOU. BREAK. DIAMOND? WITH YOUR BARE HANDS? It's the strongest material in this world! *In his time* There is no absolute way a little girl can break diamond! Even Wei's strongest can't break diamond unless you make them go at it a long time. But...? That's it, I am not summoning more animal because you're just going to kill them all.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**I found it and I don't wear jewelry, so I threw it into one of my portals and look where it ended up.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**The only piece of jewelry my wife wears is that necklace that's always around her neck. She won't accept any other piece to replace it. No matter what. Even if it's diamond. (I think.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**What? You want me to create a diamond statue of you...? Wait, how do you know about that...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Okay, when I cast my spells, they are very noticeable from anywhere. Fine, your size or you have a request?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**You want a statue of you that is the size of Pang De? You know it's going to be taller than you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Okay, okay! I'll do it! I need time! Goddamn!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**A portal should open in front of you with the statue.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear some Roman foreigner,**

**You want to purchase the statue of my lord? You're going to have to ask him yourself.**

**You don't need my name.**

* * *

**Dear Roman foreigner,**

**My country doesn't produce diamonds. But if you'd like, there's silk.**

* * *

**Foreigner,**

**The diamond statue is a secret. I will not let a foreigner know about the current affair of my country. Now, are you here to do business with Wei or what?**

* * *

**Foreigner,**

**Don't you talk in that kind of tone to me! I can ask for your little caravan to be killed in a second. You cannot force the secret of the diamond statue out of me.**

* * *

**Dear Roman leader,**

**I don't care if you try to burn all of China. We don't have diamonds here!**

* * *

**Roman "emperor",**

**Happy? I called you emperor, though you don't look like one. I am not lying, the country can't produce diamonds.**

* * *

**Roman "emperor",**

**I really don't think I need to show respect to someone who fucks little kids in his spare time.**

* * *

**Roman pedophile,**

**Phht, I read on you foreign emperors. All of you are insane. And this is coming from someone who laughs at someone's funeral.**

* * *

**Roman pedo-emperor,**

**You're giving ME, warnings? Ha. Let me read this book I have on you people. Oh, look at this. You guys like to hump your own sisters. Oh, look at this one. Rape of more little kids. Have your trade caravan finish up and get out.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I am not racist! I just don't like their faces.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Shut up.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Roman pedo-per,**

**Not all of you are like that? I wish I could think that way, but your predecessors are making it very hard to do. **

* * *

**Roman pedo-per,**

**No! We do NOT eat dog! Only the poor villages eat them when they're desperate! Oh, I see where you're going with this...**

* * *

**Roman pedo-per,**

**Fine, you made your point. Also, no. I will not give you the secret to the diamond Cao Cao statue.**

* * *

**Roman pedo-per,**

**No. I do not accept bribes.**

* * *

**Roman pedo-per,**

**What kind of official doesn't accept bribes? A good one.**

* * *

**Roman pedo-per,**

**I really could care less about your economy.**

* * *

**Roman pedo-per**

**We did not have something going on back there. We just threw stereotypes at each other. That isn't "something."**

* * *

**Roman pedobear,**

**Going to war? *sarcasm* Oh goody! Been a while since I've seen a head chopped off! And it's foreigners! I wouldn't feel so guilty now!**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Again, I am not racist! That part was sarcasm! And how did you get that letter?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Jia Chong,**

**There is a group of foreigners coming from the west. And they are not friendly. (Because I was a dick to their emperor.) Want a little authorized killing spree?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Guo Huai,**

**Want target practice? Head west until you find men in skirts and armor.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Deng Ai,**

**Are you fully healed? If so, there are foreigners coming from the west and you can have some target practice there. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Wang Yi,**

**There are a group of people that look like a bunch of Ma Chao-s coming from the west, want some stress relievers?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

***Sima Yi is cringing when he write this***

**There are men who have skirts and armor coming from the west and they are much more fabulous than you. You're not going to let them outshine you, right?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**They like to create one giant group formation in order to take on whole armies. I suggest sending in catapults to destroy their formations and have men drop rocks onto them. Or just send Zhang Liao to come charging in.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Well, that formation of theirs does work. But they can't protect the top, so we managed to break it. Thanks to Guo Huai having an anachronistic weapon, we got half of the Roman army's blood filling the rivers. And Jia Chong's and Wang Yi's trigger-happy selves got the other half with Zhang Liao. Zhang He killed pretty much any men that had a skirt there saying they were horrendous. Everyone else did well and chased them out. Now Shu is trying to make a move since we were distracted with the foreigners. Now what?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Okay, if you say so.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Really? Now? Can you come back later? We're busy.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**We are really busy right now. I don't have time to play "War" with you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Shh, I'm talking with adults right now. Go play War somewhere else.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Stop bothering me or you're grounded.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

** Go to your room and think about what you'd done. (I am really confused on how does Cao Cao think this is going to help... Even I never used this sentence with my sons...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Zhuge Liang and his forces have retreated. I don't know how do you know treating Zhuge Liang like a baby was going to do there, but I guess it worked.**

**Sima Yi**


	14. Broke the 4th wall hard

**Dear Zhao,**

**I really don't care. Go ahead.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**Keep that dead thing. I heard Shu was poor anyway. Those diamonds can probably get your crappy Northern Campaigns going for a few more years.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**Wow, you're still writing to me? I thought you would have sent more men after Wei.**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**If you stopped killing your advisers and be a good ruler, maybe you wouldn't be so lonely?**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**Why are you asking on my personal life?! We're not friends!**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**No, I will not tell you my name. We are only interacting because it's business.**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**Gee, you remind me of Cao Pi if he were a white-skinned and beady-eyed person...**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**No, don't visit me! Wait, you don't even know who I am!**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**No, you don't need to visit the kingdom! Stay in your own country!**

* * *

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**The guys in skirts and armor are here...? Um... I'm not here!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I am not greeting them!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Not. Racist!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I swear if you continue calling me a racist, I'll send you to Persia! I know you don't like them!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**The emperor is here? Which one?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Ah, the foreign one. You can be buddies with him.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Why am I not at work? I can't stay home once in a while? I can't be with my lovely wife?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, neither of us believed that. I'm just here because I'm sick.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, neither of us believed that either. I can't slip anything past you. But that's the reason why I married you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh wait, we were arranged. I forgot about that. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Just wondering, would you have got rid of that necklace if I had given you a diamond one instead?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Really? I thought diamonds were a woman's best friend. I don't get you. That necklace must have meant something really important to you to not give it up. Actually, you never told me about that necklace. You can tell me that story. (As I wait for that stupid foreigner to leave.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What work?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**That? I barely do anything in Wei, they won't miss me.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**No, you don't miss me. You just want to embarrass me in front of the guests. I remember last time when we had the Koreans come over. You kept on commenting on my hats in their faces.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**What? What? I want to find out your mother's character backstory (She barely had any character development in the latest game.) and you're interrupting me! Did you break a leg surfing on Zhuge Liang or something?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**You crushed his ribs...? I don't care. Just get back home before Zhao Yun runs after you.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Now can you tell me? I am actually interested. Aside from the killing maids thing and you being my mother half of the time, the audience just gets you are a nagging bitch. Not my words. The audience's.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I am not going senile! There is an audience! You just can't see them!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I am not senile! If I'm senile, you're a stripper. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Stop staling and give me the goods on your backstory!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You got it from your mother... Too cliché. Change it. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Got it off from the dead maid? Not dramatic enough.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Stole it? Suddenly you're a thieving woman now? You can't just do that! Stick to your script!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Something that will make you interesting besides "murdering housewife."**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**It was a family heirloom... Lame.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You bought it? Wow, you gave up.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You got it from your mother who bought it from a merchant who stole it from your father's sister's cousin's brother's sister's cousin-in-law's mother's twice-removed-cousin's father's stepfather's grandfather's roommate's sister's husband's hair stylist's landlord's sister's cousin's stepsister's lover's brother's aunt's mother's father's daughter's baby? **

**Well, I'm glad you tried. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Okay, okay. Tell me the REAL reason you keep that necklace and not replace it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You got it from your grandmother...? Really...? I expected a little bigger thing than that... Fine, fine, you love the thing since it's all you have on your family before you got sent off to be with me. Now that I think about it, the way I said it made it sound sad. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: How about the dress? Is that a heirloom? If so, I now understand why you continue to wear the (stripper) dress.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**No? Then wear the dress I got from Sun Quan! It's more flattering than your stripper-I mean-revealing dress.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**I am not here... I am stationed in... Korea... I'm not home now... So.. you can go home now...**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**I don't know why you don't have any screen time right now... You're too bland. Give me your backstory.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**I know that I know your backstory. Just give me something you never told me.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**That mask is made from blue jade...? Is there such thing as blue jade...? Bah, I'l take it.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

***no empathy* Oh my god! Wang Yi just killed one of that emperor's guards thinking it was Ma Chao in a dress! We have to ask them to leave before it gets messy! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**Oh, you have to go? *no empathy* Aw, that's a shame.**


	15. Roman name fun

**Dear Wang Yi,**

**These Romans worship Ma Chao because they all love how he can kill so many people in such a small amount of time. They also like his "leadership", now doesn't that make you pissed? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**I don't care if you gave me your name.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad Aluminum Foil Patrick,**

**Your name is weird, long, and confusing. **

* * *

**Maximum Ride Arceus Panties,**

**This your name? I don't get what are you Romans trying to prove with such a long name.**

* * *

**Max Ammo Pennies,**

**This your name?**

* * *

**Mixing Real Arsenic Petrol,**

**Okay, this one?**

* * *

**Maxing Out Arcade Patrol,**

**This?**

* * *

**Making Ass Real Popcorn,**

**This?**

* * *

**Mating with Argonians Pretty Long,**

**I'm sorry, I'm doing the best I can to understand your country's way of giving names.**

* * *

**Maximus Aurelius Petrona, *Random name I made up, not actual emperor***

**There, is that right? Because I ran out of words to replace your names.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**I am still not giving you my name.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**Sorry, this name is shorter and much more easier.**

* * *

**Max,**

**Is Max okay?**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**Fine... I will not tell you where I live.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Huh? There's a man at our door? Anyone we know?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Man in skirt and really short haircut? Nope, send him away.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**He's not leaving? Why?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**He's too busy touching your hair and asking whether or not you're Roman...? Eh... let me... heh...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**You are meeting this pretty woman who looks like your country's women...? No, you don't have a chance.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**Don't talk to her.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**She's... my... I give up! That's my wife!**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**No, she's not Roman!**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

***All of the sarcasm you can think of***

**Oh, her family's from Korea and her father was a white man along with her mother being from Vietnam. She lived in Rome for a few years and she came over to China and married me after we were walking down the same city street and just stared at each other's eyes****.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**NO! I was being very very sarcastic! She was born here and raised here!**

* * *

**Maxi Pad, **

**No, I don't want you to see me. Get the hell out of my house.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**You are simply pushing off my sass?! Damn, normally someone here would have yelled at me by now. Fine, I'll come out.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**Not all of us have that much of a slant in our eyes! Look at you! Your eyes are actually trying to get out of your face! **

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**You want my clothes...? I am not giving you this!**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**Only you get to wear purple? Ha. Both my wife and I are wearing purple right now.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**I don't care if you're the emperor. My emperor is the one in the big building in there. Not you. Now get out.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**For the last time, I will not give you my secret of that statue or my name. Go ask Cao Cao for my name or leave.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**You'll chop my head off if don't remove this robe? Wait, me making fun of your name, your people and rubbing in the fact I killed half of your army didn't make you want to kill me, but you seeing me wear purple is what gets you angry? I... I... I don't get white-skinned people.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**You're actually serious?! I am just wearing what I normally wear! Forget it, I'm calling in Plan B now.**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**I need your penis-taking magic right now. Open a portal in my house. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**Dear me, I didn't know it bleeds now when the portal removes the penis. Xun Yu must have changed his spell. Now what was that again with the purple thing?**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**Yeah, doesn't feel good, right? Now take that back about how "yellow" I am, and you have to accept the fact that I wear purple.**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**Fine. Into the void you go. **

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**You have a visitor/new guinea pig. And it's a foreigner, so have fun.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**The Roman emperor was eaten by a tiger. I know, a shame. Execute the remaining guards of his and leave their bodies out for the wolves and tigers.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I'm cruel? Come on, you killed an entire village over your father's death. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I wouldn't do that for my father because he was an asswipe. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Phht, "good" man. He was obviously nice to you since you two were buddies.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Let's quit talking about that old corpse and kill those men in skirts.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Wang Yi,**

**I see you already murdered those men before the Roman emperor came back. Saves me some trouble. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: He died of a tiger attack. A shame, I know. That's the fifth time this week.**

* * *

**Dear Jia Xu,**

**Where were you this entire time? You weren't there when the Romans attacked, when their emperor visited, or when we had a wine tasting party. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jia Xu,**

**Yes, there was a wine tasting because Cao Cao was trying a new thing after he learned on the foreigners' culture. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jia Xu,**

**You just want to drink the wine they offer you, not taste it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jia Xu,**

**Sure, run that with Cao Cao and he'll may consider it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**I'm serious here, what the heck do you do? Our sons are grown men, so what do you do? Have a hobby? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

** Chunhua,**

**I have just noticed that you just happened to be there whenever I come home and/or when I even see you. Do you just sit there staring off? Knit? Playing 52 pick-up with yourself? **

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**How about you make out-I mean-make UP with Zhen Ji? Or heck even spend some time with the woman who has your face. (Cai Wenji) I am letting you have freedom here! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**...What kind of question is that...? **

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Well... You don't think about that... Why do you want to know?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Being married means you have to be friends with your spouse. Your mother and I are a different case since... well... We're ten years apart. You will soon understand it and a lot better when you're married. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Okay, your mother and I are sort of friends. (Friends with benefits by that matter.)**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**That'll depend. There are things we can do together and things we can't do together. I don't understand why are you asking me this. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**You met someone... what's her name? Or are you...?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Oh, you met a girl. Let your mother and I meet her.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**...This girl looks familiar... **

* * *

**Shi,**

**That girl that just got up and ran out was the girl from Shu! I forgot which one, but it looks like Zhuge Liang was planning to plant a double agent into out family. He was probably planning to taking advantage of my family's riches in order to fund his own needs.**

**Your father **

**(Damn, I actually thought Shi would stop being single now. Damn... poor him...)**


	16. Totally not a pedophile

**Cao Pi,**

**Your wife and my wife are in the same room? Annnnnnd? What? Am I missing something?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**No, that is not going to happen again. They're trying to be like normal women and trying to interact with each other. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Why are you even listening to their conversation? They're not going to kill each other.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Hey! What? Are you listening to them to find out anything embarrassing me on me?! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Open a portal at Cao Pi's location and send him to Persia.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhong Hui,**

**Stop spreading rumors on my family having one giant incest orgy. That is disgusting and why are you thinking like that? Thinking of incest? You're disgusting.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**I perform ice spells, summon demons, and cast curses. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**...Now that you mention it... Why didn't I just curse Zhuge Liang...? (I was being a little lazy...) Ah, what do you want again?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**You want to make your wife older? By how much?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**Unfortunately, I don't know my wife's age, so I don't know how old that little girl has to be.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**Don't give me the "that's sad" thing! It's very hard to determine. I'll guess she's about twenty-five. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**Okay, okay. Let me run this by Xun Yu about this.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Sun Ce, (Aren't you supposed to be dead...?)**

**You want what Zhou Yu's having? A pale face and long hair?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Sun Ce,**

**Oh! Making you no longer pedophiles, got it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Can you advance the ages of the Qiao sisters? Apparently, the husbands want them to be older.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Why...? Um... We have nothing better to do...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You done?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, transfer the sisters back to Wu.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**She's about twenty-five. Legal enough?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Sun Ce,**

**Okay, okay! I don't want to know what you're planning with her!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**How was your time with Zhen Ji? Hopefully, you two are going to nice with each other.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Hello? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Giving me cold shoulder, aren't you? Fine, be that way.**

**SIma Yi**

* * *

**XUN YU!**

**Why is my wife... a little girl?! Luckily, she still maintains her adult mind, but still, WHY?! She now needs me to pick her up in order to write on a table!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Equivalent exchange?! What does my wife have to do with this?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You had to take her age and exchange it with the two girls...? How about changing her back? What do I have to do?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You just need to reverse those girls ages in order to do that... Any other way?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Damn... I'll just wait until those two can finish up with their time with their mature wives... Oh well, I took care of Chunhua anyway ever since she was a child, so this shouldn't be so hard.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**You can write still, right?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, you're just too short to do any normal actions. You only reach up to my hip, so that makes sense. Want me to carry you the entire way?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**In this case, you ARE a child. How in the world am I supposed to explain this...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**When did you get here?! Oh, this girl? Um... cousin. Yeah, your cousin.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao, **

**I know, she looks so much like you. (You got your genes from her!) **

**Your father**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Need a nap?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***He's amused, not angry* Look at your writing when you're mad! It's like you wrote in scribbles during an earthquake! (That's just plain adorable... Wait, what?! Stop thinking that, brain!)**

** Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Want me to give you a piggy back ride?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, come on, it's just amusing (And cute. Shut up, brain!) to see you this short. And your voice is making my stomach cramp because I'm laughing on how high-pitched it is!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**OW! Why even as a little girl your hits hurt?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***More teasing* Aw, someone's cranky. Do you want your teddy bear?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**OW! Why down there...? (Oh right, she's can only reach up to my hip. Of course she chooses to hit me in my "area.")**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***crooked writing***

**Chunhua,**

**I can't hit a little girl, so I'll have to do this the other way. I wonder if you're ticklish.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Forget what you just saw. (He just saw me being all giddy and tickling a little kid. Errrr... That's not a good image to be showing...)**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**No! This isn't your sister! Your mother was not even pregnant!**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Why does she look like Zhao...? Um... his cousin?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**You don't know that! Your uncles are very sexually active so you may not have kept track on how many kids they pop out.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Why does she look your mother...? Um...**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**No, your mother didn't cheat on me with your uncle Fu. (I hope.)**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Do you spend time with my brothers?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**The only one you talk to is Fu and most of the time Fu is usually just staring at your chest. Uh... Wow... I have idea what to say to this... One more question: Would you do him?**

**SIma Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**(If I die before you?! Well... he does look like me... Fine, it's slightly understandable...) Well, thanks for your opinion... Now I know who's taking care of you if I die...**

**SIma Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhou Yu,**

**Are you, you know, done? Are you satisfied? Because the magic wears off in about a few hours.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Sun Ce,**

**Please finish your "thing" with your wife because the spell loses effect in a few hours.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Return my wife back to her 5'7 self. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Yes, she's the same height as Yue Jin. Why are you...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**So? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**5'7 is the normal height for a woman, the reason why Yue Jin is made fun of his height is because he has the height typical of a woman. That's why you don't see peons snickering and laughing at Chunhua. Answer your question? Now please reverse the spell!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

** Check your body for anything that's not supposed to be there or anything that's missing.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You took Chunhua's tongue. You were doing so well! Why?! Why now you screw up?! (Actually... this might be useful...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Whoops. Xun Yu took your tongue and now you have to rely on writing your thoughts out. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Wait, what?! You were planning to give me _that?! _**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Give the woman her tongue back. NOW. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Her voice is now sounding like a broken Julie Andrews! Fix it!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**That was her voice before the spell...? Oh... heheh... I take it back...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You lied to me! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Would you believe me if that girl was your mother?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**It's not like that! I am not a pedophile! It's just something came up and she just turned into a little girl. She turned back now.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**You... believe me..? Wow. Okay. Then this is no longer awkward.**

**Your father**


	17. Oh the madness

** Dear Zhao,**

**You can't use surfing to solve all your problems. And you mother's fine. (She's back to normal.)**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**I'm better now. I can come back to work.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I'm fired? What did I do? Not that it matters...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Answer me. Hello?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Fine. I'm sure someone else could use my services.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**No, they did not replace me! Cao Cao's just angry I threw away his "#1 Boss" cup. He'll get me back.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Hehehe... Xun Yu, Jia Xu, and Guo Jia replacing me? Hahahaha... hah... hah... Xun Yu and I are both equals and... huh...**

**Sima Yi**

**(Xun Yu has my style, Jia Xu has my smart-ass attitude, and Guo Jia's just Guo Jia. Cao Cao relates to him and he is fun. Maybe they are replacing me...)**

**P.S: Wait, they don't have my laugh. I'll always have that.**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Don't you talk down to me! You're barely existing! I was in here before you were even considered to be an NPC! I will not let someone like you lecture me!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Oh, go wank off to a Hot Topic, you Emo Failure!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jia Chong, **

**Lalalalala! I am not listening to you!**

**Sima Yi**

**(It's been three days... He's not speaking to me... Maybe... I'm...)**

* * *

**Fu,**

**No, I am not upset! I am happy that I broken free of that insufferable environment! I am free! Free! Free, I tell you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Sima Yi**

***random ink strokes here***

* * *

**Fu,**

**Money? The Simas are known for being the wealthiest families in the land! More than the Yuans! I can survive without working! You can quit being Cao Pi's chauffeur! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Fu, **

**Me? Crazy? That's... madness... Hehehehehehe...**

**Sima Yi**

***teeth marks here***

* * *

**Fu,**

**I said I wasn't mad! I'm just celebrating my freedom!**

**Sima Yi**

***tears at the bottom of the page***

* * *

**Fu,**

**I don't care what the old man thinks! He's dead to me! I could care less if he haunts me to death! Our father was a demon! **

**Sima Yi**

***Drool marks***

* * *

**Fu,**

**I'll kill you if you continue to say I am mad. Trust me, I'll do it. **

**Sima Yi**

***stab holes***

* * *

**Fu,**

**I need help? Hahahaha... HAHAHAHA! How could you say that to your dear older brother?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Fu, **

**Okay, I'm done with you. Good bye. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Where am I? Somewhere.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**None of your beeswax.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Fu, **

**Nope.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Nope. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Deng Ai,**

**Nope.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**Nope.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Nope. Not telling you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Dear me, it has been three weeks? Wow, time flies.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**No, no, no, you have Xiahou Yuan and Zhang He, you don't need me. I'm just here, minding my own business.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**You're a grown man, you don't need your father helicopter-parenting you. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I... really don't care what happens to you.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Nope. Not telling you. You can take care of yourself. You don't need me. You can just open the little safe in our room and have your way with it. Ask my brothers for extra money.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, you're just saying that. I know you really don't need me. (No one needs me anyway...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**No matter how much you ask me where I am, I am still not giving it up. And you can't hit me since all the way over here!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***This is temporary, but for now, it's different points of view of the family***

**Dear Father,**

**Where are you?! I sent armies to find you! Just tell me where! I'm begging you! I am starting to miss you throwing me into pools and off roofs!**

**Zhao**

* * *

**Dear Father,**

**Hello?**

**Zhao**

* * *

**Dear Father,**

**Please answer me!**

**Zhao**

* * *

**Dear Father,**

**I'll give up my sexual fetish for meatbuns if you come back!**

**Shi**

**P.S: I am not admitting it's a fetish, I'm just saying it in your words.**

* * *

**Dear Father,**

**It's been a day since I ate a meatbun! I now eat carrots! Now can you come home now?**

**Shi**

* * *

**Dear Father,**

******Day two, I am now eating food I found in the cabinets of the kitchen! I think they were Mother's medicine stuff...*long in**k stroke*

* * *

**Dear Lord Husband,**

**You tell me where you are right this instance. You aren't seriously leaving me here? With Lu Bu as a neighbor? Why don't you just strap me to Diao Chan's corpse while you're at it?**

**Your wife**

* * *

**Dear Lord Husband,**

**Oh, you now are just abandoning everyone you know and... know. Are you trying to be a deadbeat?**

**Your wife **

* * *

**Dear Lord Cao Cao,**

**Please give back my husband's job back. He's going insane. (Worse than that time after when I bore Zhao.) I will do anything-scratch that. SOMETHING to make you change your mind.**

**I doubt you remember my name.**

* * *

**Lord Cao Cao,**

**Huh? You didn't fire him? Then... who sent that letter Sima Yi got...?**

* * *

**Lord Cao Cao,**

**NO! I WILL NOT DO THAT! I am not THAT desperate.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**No, I don't want to be your concubine. Sima Yi's not even dead yet. **

**Zhang Chunhua**

**P.S: Aren't you supposed to be in Persia?**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Ah, you walked all the way over here? I thought you would try to call a random foreigner to carry you across, but you actually used your two feet Heaven gave you. I give you this gold star for your effort. **

**Zhang Chunhua**

***Yes, I'm making her sassy.***

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**YOU GOT SIMA YI FIRED?! WHY?! JUST BECAUSE HE SENT YOU SOMEWHERE YOU HATED?! Thanks to you, he's out there... doing... something... He could be dead!**

***She doesn't bother signing from now on***

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Are you kidding me? You're seriously trying to make me choose to be your concubine right after you just admitted you have possibly caused my husband's death?! What does Zhen Ji see in you?!**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Just because I'm ten years younger than him doesn't mean I don't care for him. (Why do people keep bringing that up...?) I am obviously worrying since I am very close to him. (AKA I was technically his daughter for a while.) **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Ah, ah, ah. Shut up. Stop writing to me.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I can say that kind of tone since you're not officially a prince. **

* * *

**Sima Fu,**

**Tell me somewhere your brother might be.**

**Your sister-in-law**

* * *

**Sima Fu,**

**In the last place I'll look...? Well, that sounds like him.**

**Your sister-in-law**

* * *

***this is now back to Sima Yi's POV***

**Chunhua,**

**What...? CAO PI DID THIS?! I SWEAR I'LL SEND HIM TO-No, no, that's what started this... then... I still have my job...? Oh well... **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Let's play hid n' seek. You're it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Actually, we both have enough time to play games. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi.**

**I remember you liked hide n' seek as a child, well, let's play now with me.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Whoa, whoa! Just play the game! Save the worrying for later.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao, **

**You'll just destroy the whole house looking for me.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Wow, that was fast. Oh well.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua**

***random wood chips in the paper***

**...Okay... You're very pissed... But seriously? I'm sticking out of the kitchen floor!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I need a goddamn bath! Stick me in the floor later! Actually, you can jam me anywhere you want after I deal with Cao Pi. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**SHUT. UP. **

**Your father**

**(Ah-huhuahuahuaha! Even after two months, I STILL don't get any stubble! What is wrong with me?! Even Fu has a small Xu Shu peach fuzz going on, but nooooooo, I get clean shaven all the goddamn time! I'm in my frickin' forties, for hell's sake! KOEI! You bastards!)**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Forgive me. Your son has fooled me into insulting you. I am under your service until the tests of time. (AKA when you die.) **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Why should you be scared? I'm just offering you a hug. (A pity hug.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Okay fine, that is scary.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**No, you don't get a hug.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Just because I gave Cao Cao a (pity) hug, doesn't mean everyone gets one!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Fuck no you don't get a hug! You can go wank off to a jar of cow piss! I know you sent me that forged pink slip! You know what? Here's some sawdust and dust bunnies (from when I got jammed into the floor), choke on them with your horrible lungs. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Oh no, Cao Pi's having a asthma attack? Well, I didn't know he had such an awful set of lungs inside of him. Heaven must hate him.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm ready. Jam me into the wall or floor or a bull's butthole. Your choice.**

** Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Really? The wall again? Being a little non-creative here.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, this is VERY different hole you jammed me up into. But I'm not complaining.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Yay, the floor. Let people step on my face. I'm pretty sure everyone wants to do that.**

**Sima Yi**


	18. Therapy

**Shi,**

**Your mother's very angry and I have to stuck in here for a while.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**Why don't you do it? Since I have to be in this floor for another hour.**

**Your father-in-law**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Okay, I'll give you a punch in the face in order to balance out the (pity) hug I gave you. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**There, it's not so scary anymore. You happy now?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Pang De,**

**I thank you for taking your time to fix all of my house-related needs. If you're wondering why my walls and floors get broken down so much, I get jammed into them a lot or my son breaks them down to get easy access to certain rooms.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I will only take orders from Cao Cao from now on. Here's some more dust bunnies and sawdust, you douche.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang Liao,**

**Cao Cao said you're now Cao Pi's air filter. (Whatever that means...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**The qilin ate my hat and it pooped out a bowl with chopsticks. Feed it more stuff, I want to see if I can get something new out of it.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

***Attached is a PS4***

**The hell is this? Destroy it.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Oh? This was the thing you asked me to summon for you from before? Well... let me see... (Phht! Yeah right!)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***Attached is the PS4 broken***

**Cao Pi,**

**Whoops. The messenger mishandled it. Too bad since I forgot what the qilin needed to eat to create that.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

**I would like to schedule an appointment for my wife with you. Does 3:00 seem okay for you?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**My wife. Not me. I don't need therapy and you cannot force me to take it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua, **

**You know this is what is right for you. It's what keeping you from smothering me in my sleep.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, you'll only do that if I turned into a vegetable. That was the deal.**

**Sima Y**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Stop eavesdropping! And yes, that deal is not made-up. We have to kill each other if one of us turned dumb.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Neither of us don't want to be living if we lost our heads. So one of us has to put out the other of their misery.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**The deal is between me and your mother. We cannot kill you or Shi, so you're safe unless Shi tries to imitate us and do the same to you. Now go to your room.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

**Chunhua just plopped onto the bed with no words exchanged. What did you do?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**I heard you took notes on her, give me that.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**This is just a drawing of a squirrel eating a meatbun. You don't actually take notes, do you? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**You just had her release all her stress by talking about me...? Wait, me? What about me is stressful?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**I don't want YOUR opinion! What did she say?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He**

**Confidential?! Can you at least give me a sentence phrase?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**She won't know!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Oh fine...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

**So all you do is listen to people's problems while drawing cute animals eating something while being a one of the Five Generals of Wei. Huh, better than what I do. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Insane? I went insane weeks ago. You missed it, so, ha-ha!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Fu,**

**I am so sorry for threatening to kill you. I was going insane due to me realizing my life has no meaning without serving Wei. (And destroying it.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Pang De,**

**Here's your payment. (Again.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**What about me is stressful? Don't ignore this! I know you're not sleeping!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Confidential with your therapist?! Just say it! I can take a criticism! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, let's get this one thing straight. Laughing. Is. My. Thing. You do not take away that one thing or else you will not get me. You will just get Xun Yu's older counterpart. If you're very unhappy with my laughter, I suggest getting earplugs. I have some in my drawer if you want some.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Uuuuuhhh... They are in there... because... uhh... I plug my ears during Cao Cao's speeches...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**They're in there because I tune myself out to you and the boys. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhong Hui,**

**No, I haven't seen a man named "Mr. Poofy." (What kind of name is that?)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Is our little Roman emperor having a blast at your place? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**He's still alive? Wow, never thought Maxi Pad was able to withstand your experiments.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**Now will you take back what you said about me?**

**The man who sent you to your hell**

* * *

**Maxi Pad,**

**Whoa, language! Looks like someone earned themselves a reward.**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Fry him.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I didn't think you'd take it literally... He looks like a French fry. I meant electrocute him, not throw him into a pot of boiling oil. Ehhh... feed him to the demons.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**What's that clumpy breaded thing...? Uhhhh... (Meh, I'll let him eat it.) A giant fried chicken leg.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Oooohhhh... It tastes good...? (Hehehehehehehe... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU FOOL!) Well, it's yours. I just had dinner.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**No! No! I will not let you reverse this- *not finished***


	19. Rule 63

**Xun Yu,**

**What. The. Fuck? I'm not going to fix this, you are.**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: Oh, I'm not going to kill you. I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU. I'M A WOMAN NOW THANKS TO YOU! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE?! IT MEANS I HAVE NO DICK! **

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**NOT NOW! I'm busy choking and bashing Xun Yu's brains in!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**REMEMBER THAT I'M A GUY! DON'T YOU SAY I LOOK PRETTY!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**I don't see you complaining, so we might consider leaving you in this form.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Wait, what does Wei mean really? Everyone who works in Wei or people who lived during the time of Wei? If so, that means...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Okay... you're a woman... So... oh dear.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Whoa, you look like your mother. A lot. No, seriously, you could be passed of as her twin.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Jesus Crucified on the Cross Chirst! This is something my head can't comprehend! YOU NOW HAVE A DICK! THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE! Well, considering you're an actual man right now, but still... You know what? Let me just leave the house for a bit...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**NOT NOW! **

**Sima Yi**

***blood splatter and an indent of someone's face***

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I'm surprised your face is still actually recognizable. Anyway, WHY AREN'T YOU A WOMAN?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**"The caster has get no effects of the spell he/she casts." Wait, why did you cast that spell?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Your spellbook fell out of your bookshelf and it "accidentally" casted it? You know how much bullshit that sounds?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I'm still a man in the inside! I can swear despite being in a woman's body!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Kagura,**

**Please reverse this spell placed upon Wei.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**You have infinite power! Just do it!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**GIVE ME YOUR HANDS. I'M CHOPPING THOSE OFF.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay. THEN LEARN HOW TO CONTROL YOURSELF AND YOUR MAGIC. OR ELSE I'LL MARCH OVER THERE AND JAM YOU UP THE DEMON OVERLORD'S ASSHOLE.**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I will do it! I am not lying this time! I'm sure your face and fangirls doesn't want that!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Just read the porn scrolls! They'll mess up the magic flow and you won't be able to cast anything.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Ask Cao Cao for pictures of Zhen Ji. And I do not want to hear you wanting a picture of my wife again or else I'll force you down into Hell.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Thank god you don't have a penis anymore.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**No, no. Let's just say I prevented a male you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**No, not making sure Zhao wasn't born. (Kagura won't let me.)**

**Sima Yi**


	20. Swears

**Zhao,**

**That IS Zhang He. (Kagura didn't let me leave Zhang He in the future where he got to be woman.)**

**Your father**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Zhao broke the vase while attempting to ride the qilin again.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**That had your grandmother's ashes...? Oh... I...uh...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**KAGURA!**

**Reverse me knocking down that urn with ashes in it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**I am not abusing your power! Name someone else who has time-traveling properties.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Ah, I don't like that guy.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Nothing has happened during this past month, so congrats on you able to control yourself. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**What? You want a cookie? Your reward is another day of me not bashing your head in with your baby rattle. *The staff Xun Yu uses.***

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Attacked? How do you feel attacked? I'm just saying if you'd stopped messing up random spells, I wouldn't need to throw you into the Pit of Fire.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Deng Ai,**

**Now since you're all better, I need you and Guo Huai to go and watch every move Xun Yu makes. If he has sparks coming out of his hands, restrain him immediately.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**That man is dangerous when left alone. More dangerous than that time you tried to shoot knives and random weapons out of your cannon. That... That day was scary... Zhao got most of the wounds, and I'm not mad. (I'm just mad that you didn't finish him.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Deng Ai,**

**Because Cao Cao is a deadbeat when it comes to Xun Yu.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Wha...? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Here's your cookie! (You DID want a cookie?!)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Take the damn cookie! I don't care if you hate oatmeal raisin!**

**Sima yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well, you certainly have more personality than Xu Shu, I'll give you that. He would have just take the cookie and sat in a corner.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xu Shu,**

**What? What? I didn't call you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xu Shu,**

**No, you don't get a cookie! (Why does everyone want cookies from me specifically?!)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**How should I know where your make-up went?! I'm not everyone's errand boy!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**Oh, I am one, huh? Well, let me go over there and give you a piece of my mind.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***paper has red and pink hand and fingerprints along with white powder covering this* **

**Zhen Ji,**

**Wear your whore make-up, you whore. **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Oh, why does Zhen Ji's face look like someone just threw her whole make-up drawer on her face? Well, I certainly have nothing to do with it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**You know what? Stay right there.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***paper has white powder all over it along with some sparkly liquid***

**Cao Pi,**

**Wear your wife's whore make-up, you whore. **

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Someone reported me? For what?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Well, I'm not in a good mood today.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Okay, I smeared/poured/covered those two's faces with (whore) make-up in anger. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Fine, I'll apologize. (Nah.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**Huh...? Am I reading this correctly? This is THE Lu Bu? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**You... live next to me...? You've got to be kidding.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**I just saw that daughter of yours with the funny man that reminds me of Jia Xu. Why do you live there anyway...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**I DO belong in Wei! It's just that... er... well, I destroyed them and... uh... Fine, we both live outside of the Wei borders because we are in different kingdoms. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**Apparently on Cao Cao's maps, he named the area around my house, "Jin." I always wondered why the area right next to my house is named "Other". Now I see why. (Now don't piss Lu Bu off.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**I am expecting a package, have you seen it?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Huh, I asked everyone where did that package went, but they never seen it... **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**How did that messenger mix up my mail with your mail?! Anyway, thank you for returning my package. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**What's in it? You don't need to know that...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Give me that box! I'll throw you into Yinglong's mouth if you don't give it back!**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**That stuff is for my eyes only! **

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Careful with that! Inside is something so powerful even Zuo Ci bows in shame of it!**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**That's it.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, why is Zhao hanging off the imperial palace's roof by his pants? Well, he decided to mess with my mail, so I sent him to a time-out.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Leave him. He has lots to think about and doesn't need anyone to take him down.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What's in the box? *sarcasm* Pornography scrolls with a jar of lube.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***paper has a imprint of Sima Yi's face with some wrinkles around it***

**Chunhua,**

**I wasn't serious! That is not what was in this! It's a jar of something though.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Nothing's in the box! I didn't call you, so bye.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**I have nothing to say to you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**The jar has nothing! It has... farts.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**What? That's not Orochi's soul! Get out of heeere! Come oooon!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**But I want to perform some experiments with this fart jar!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Shut up, that is not Orochi's soul. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**You'll never catch me alive!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Okay, you did, but I will never give this up!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**I have a new spell/potion ingredient for you! It's Lu Bu's farts! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Yes, I know they're not farts! Just take the dead snake guy soul and store it in the special demon portal closet.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Whoops, I lost the jar.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Search all you want, you won't find it! (I know you can't access the demon underworld! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**GET THE FUCK OUT! You heard nothing!**

**Your father**


	21. Dick bread

**Yue Ying,**

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand why should I care whether or not Zhuge Liang is castrated? Actually, this is one good thing Xun Yu has accidentally done. I am not helping, so... Ha-ha!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Xun Yu took your thing again? Well, go beat him until he gives it back, it works every time.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Really? I got a letter from you that said... eh, nevermind.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**I got this letter here and well... hehehe, were you about to do that spell again? If you were, I'll be taking your hands now.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Mm-hm, make sure you don't get offered this again.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**What? I really shouldn't help you. Also, can't you fix your dick yourself since you are so perfect?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**What? I can't hear you over this demon portal that is holding many of the dicks and uteri that it took from many unfortunate men and women. (Now that I think about, WHY IS THERE A PORTAL SPECIFICALLY FOR PENISES AND UTERI? What are the demons doing with them?)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Should we give Zhuge Liang back his male parts? I say no.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Ah, if we keep him upset over his missing balls, he'll do the Shu-destroying for us! So, we're in agreement for once. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**One question: WHY IS THERE A PORTAL SPECIFICALLY FOR MALE AND FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**...Demons just do this to piss off the human world...? Well, can you stop them?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**...Now that is... wow... Ugh... Ask Li Dian to place orders with local bakeries to make dick-shaped and uterus-shaped bread. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: You can't be serious with the dick bread fooling the demons...**

* * *

**Li Dian,**

**I want you to place an order for dick-shaped bread along with uterus-shaped bread. I know this sounds weird, but Xun Yu needs them to satisfy demons. Okay, that part sounded wrong too.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Li Dian,**

**Does it matter what kind of bread?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Li Dian,**

**Just regular plain bread! No raisin! No almond! None! No bread flavors except plain! Got it?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Li Dian,**

**I'll shave off that afro of yours if you continue to test me. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Here's the bread. I find this very weird from every point of view.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**We don't have to give Zhuge Liang's thing back, right? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Too bad! Demons took your husband's thingy and it's lost forever. Well, it looks like sex-less nights for you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**You can't convince me! Nah-nah! All you can do is commit adultery!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Wait, what? Really? No, no, I am not falling for this. My wife tried this with me and I never got to see her and Wang Yi in bed together. She lied to me. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying, **

**Lady, just commit adultery already. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I didn't think she'd take my advice. Oh well.**

**Sima Yi**

**(I ruined a marriage that's not my own. I feel so accomplished.)**

* * *

***attached is a letter***

**Chunhua,**

**What is this? Are you telling me to "puk gaai"? Wow, when did this attitude come up? (And since when did you speak this dialect...?)**

**Sima Yi**

***Puk gaai means "go die" or "drop dead" in Cantonese. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I sent this? I can't speak this language! And this is not my handwriting. Oh, I have an idea.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Nice try. And I didn't know you can speak that dialect. But stick with Mandarin or else you'll twist the audience's heads around.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**There is an audience! (I feel like eyes are barreling into my soul... They're sitting there... watching my every move...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Okay, okay. You don't need to tell me on how Lu Su taught you on the language. I don't need your entire character profile. I had twelve years to know anyway.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear "me",**

**Wait, you're me? How? There's only one me.**

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Explain how is this man is me. Besides the fact he's wearing my DW6 clothes.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu, **

**You found him in an alternative universe? Well, put him back.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**He's gone! Damn, that me is a fast runner. I forgot I had great agility back then. (I could do frickin' backflips, and now I can barely climb the stairs to the temple in the mountains.) **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**There's another me running around here. The one that killed you. With wires. That served as your chip holder. Could give a woman an orgasm just by staring at her. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Oh, you're just jealous that DW6 me could make women fall moaning. I'm pretty sure I can still do this right now.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Fine, I'm just flattering myself. ****Hmph, most of the women that see me try to make me homosexual with either Zhang He or Cao Pi anyway. Sort of a waste since that was when I was at my best. In looks and personality.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**"Young Sima Yi"? What do you mean by that? If you're planning to call me "Old Sima Yi", I'm going to shoot you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Can you tell me on the DW6 me's personality? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, it's basically me except with a pent-up sexually frustrated perverted desire for women. Is that bad?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Ah, he's a rapist. Well... leave you to that...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Oh? You have a new name for DW6 me? Let's hear it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**..."Fun Sima Yi"? Wait, I'm not fun now? Well, I'm not supposed to be fun, but still... **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Wow, the name "Fun Sima Yi" caught on fast. Hey! Why didn't you report seeing this deviant? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**I don't care if that me is more fun and you were drinking with him! Now I have to go chase him down again!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**"Fun Dad", eh? Well, that me is very irresponsible and is a bad influence on you. Now where is he?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Just because that me lets you eat cookies and marshmallows for dinner doesn't mean he's a good father.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I'm better than that! Former me is a deadbeat.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Did you see me dressed in purple robes with claws?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, I was just there? What happened?  
**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I... violated you...? Wait a minute, you don't exactly look "violated". Are you sure you didn't let "me" on? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I don't understand this. If "I" violated you, why aren't you at least crying or not wanting to talk to me?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**(...You thought it was foreplay...? ...Eh...? I think it's not cheating if it's still me...) Wow... Well, here's the thing... You're going to laugh at this, so well... That guy you thought was me trying something new was not me. That was my rapist clone from DW6.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**HOW DARE YOU CALL HIM "FUN SIMA YI"! You're lucky that WAS me that did you or else we'd be having a very different conversation!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear "Old me",**

**Get your ass here now.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Old Me,**

**I'M "Old Me"? No, no, no, that's you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Me,**

**I became responsible and serious! You just run around looking pretty and being an asshole. And-Oh my god, am I giving MYSELF a lecture? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Me,**

**You're the "Fun asshole" and I'm the "Old buzzkill"? We'll see about that.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Ready the portal! I got "Me" frozen in ice!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

** Xun Yu,**

**Call him "Fun Sima Yi" one more time and I'll end you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Can you give back everyone except Zhuge Liang their parts now since we replaced them with bread?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Nu Wa and Fu Xi, if you continue sending me mail on your personal life with Zhuge Liang, I might as well be your diary. Or therapist. But that's Zhang He's job. (Which reminds me, I have to schedule one for Chunhua again.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Well, you've got to replace Zhuge Liang. Maybe Zhou Yu? It'll be the perfect scandal. "Great mind's wife cheats on him with great rival in Wu" sounds great on the Shu Chronicles and The Wu York Times. (I'm starting to sound like a bad combination of Zhen Ji and Li Dian.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Hey, don't look at me. Your wife's turning to her enemy for advice. Which is sort of depressing in your point of view.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You keep going until you admit you have you are a demon spawn from Hell.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I had a demon of a father, who knows? I could be a spawn of Zhong Kui. You're still going and I was kidding in the letter from before. You keep going until you are sane enough to be living around a maid.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***paper having an imprint of Sima Yi's face along with some wrinkles***

**Chunhua,**

**Well, sorry you have a PTSD thing for maids like some of Wei and all of Wu has a PSTD thing for arrows.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**More of my letters keep getting into your mail. Do we have the exact same address or do they mix us up? (How do you mix up me and Lu Bu? I don't see how can you mix up a brute with me.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu, **

**I got this scroll here that says it's from Zhang Liao. I see he still talks to you despite being on different sides now. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**Well, I have to look through my pile of mail in order to see which is mine and which is someone else's. I didn't open the scroll, anyway. (Yes, I did.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

***extreme sarcasm and sass* Oh, heeeeeeeeey! How you holding up since Yue Ying decided to find comfort in other men/women(?)? I know, it's so... "emasculating" to be so useless in times like this. I'm starting to think you tried to tape phallic items to yourself. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Well, we've hated each other for twelve years, this isn't the first time you said that.**

**Sima Yi**


	22. Maaaaageeic

**Dear "Lint Park",**

**Xun You and Xun Yu are cousins, so they might share some of the weird things Xun Yu has been doing. But Xun You's a generic, so we're okay for now. (Which reminds me...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**How's the controlling your magical properties coming now? I think gave you every dirty scroll Cao Cao has which I totally didn't steal from him for my own needs. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Deng Ai,**

**How's the "preven****ting Xun Yu from killing us all" thing going on?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Deng Ai,**

**Guo Huai? Uh, Deng Ai, if you're trying to make a joke, avoid making fun of the sick person.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**"Guo Huai",**

**Fine, I'll play along. Xun Yu accidentally opened a tear that caused you and Deng Ai to be in each other's bodies. What's next? He opened a portal and meatbuns came pouring out?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**"Guo Huai",**

**Fine, I'll head down there.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**You're not coughing. Looks like Xun Yu did something actually good for once.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**Wait, you're Deng Ai? huh? Wait, what?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**XUN YU,**

**WHAT THE HELL? Why are Deng Ai and Guo Huai in each other's bodies?! It has been three months of no you-mishaps! You were doing so well!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**You're stuck like that until I find out what to do with Xun Yu.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yu Jin,**

**Yeeeeah... I blame Xun Yu. Go beat him to a pulp if you need to.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**I don't get this. How are-forget it. I'm gave up on logic when it comes to Xun Yu's mishaps.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**You're disgusting. I did not need to know that.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Why am I not swapped with my wife? Not that I want to, I'm just curious.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I was not in range?! What does that mean?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Really...? Hm... What to do...? (Give up a rare ingredient or do all of the unnecessary hard work only to get shit on by my co-workers or it gets undone by Xun Yu?)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Here's the jar of Orochi's soul. Now reverse this!**

**Sima Yi**

**(Mwahahahahaha! That's just Dong Zhou's and Sun Hao's condemned souls from Hell!)**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, I am going to say this once. YOU NEED TO GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER. Tell me what is eating at you! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You know, that's more like Guo Jia's thing. If you want a mate/spouse, just ask him to be your wingman. (Really...? Are you that lonely...?)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**There's only about five women here, and three are actually married and two are possibly taken. You only have a chance with a generic handmaiden that looks like every other women.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Look, I'm trying to help you here. I'm doing this for your well-being and my well-being and everyone's well-being. If you having a female significant other is going to help you prevent stupid mishaps, then so be it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I'm not a good example. Since my marriage was arranged. Go with Cao Pi-er-Wang Yi-er-Zhao-er-Zhuge Liang-er-Zhou Yu-er-Does anyone here have a normal marriage? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well... Just follow Guo Jia when he goes out and see what happens.**

**Sima Yi**


	23. Demons are dicks

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Okay, your spell has still affected four people. Can you just lift it where you are?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Wow... The women Guo Jia set you up with are clouding your head, thus destroying your magic flow. And I'm assuming now you have very different magic flow going on right now. Well, I guess those four will have to wait. (Wait a minute! I can just call Kagura!)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura!**

**There are four unfortunate souls that are needing of your help.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Nevermind, go have fun with your lady friends.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Aw, do you want your thing back? Well, too bad! Demons took it!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Only I can communicate with demons, you can only communicate with regular spirits and those guys are very dull compared to demons. I think Fa Zheng can talk to demons as well. I can also imprison souls.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Don't compare to me that Satan those bald men hate. I am so much more evil than that. They should be hating me.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Aaaaah... Not as evil as Dong Zhou though. I have something called "standards."**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I don't need to know! Just don't write to me until you are done with anything relating to your personal life!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**More Romans, yay. I'm starting to not give any fucks about them anymore. I'm sure you can take care of them, no? Actually, I'm not going to bother sacrificing my sons to this. Tell Zhao to go and meet these men in battle.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Jiang Wei,**

**Wrong address. And... I'm surprised some poor woman wants to do you... But everyone has their tastes.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jiang Wei,**

**How you dare you call me a bad taste! And by the way, she didn't choose me! Her parents did!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jiang Wei,**

**I'll show you bad taste!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**You're welcome.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Oh, Jiang Wei? That funny little boy that's humping you leg most of the time? I imprisoned his soul within the deepest reaches of Hell. I was feeling a bit psychotic today.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I'm glad we're on the same page for once in our lives. He stays in Hell until further notice.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

***sarcasm* Wow, gee, how thoughtful of you. I always wanted a painting of you and all of Shu giving me the bird. I got one from Wei when they announced Jin's debut except they were glaring at me. Well, Zhang He and Cai Wenji were't in the painting since they're not the type to do an obscene act like that. Let me go put this in my "crap artwork" pile along with my sons' drawings back when they were children.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**You forgot why Xun Yu was following you? Apparently, he wants companionship and that was the reason why he keeps accidentally casting spells. You know, when he turned you into a woman. But I'm assuming you're too stoned/drunk to even remember.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Not with you! You two were going into a tavern to pick up women. (I doubt women would be hanging around there, but who knows?) **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Okay, okay. You're still not in focus, so I'm just going to stop writing until you sober up.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Uh-huh, you knocked everyone down, but you look like Swiss cheese. Well, go to a doctor instead of writing to me that you are hurt!**

** Your father**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

**How was your session today with Chunhua? Anything you can share about what my wife said?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Come on, it can't be that confidential. Come on, spill the goods.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**I have a box of cookies right now if you will tell me what she said.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Come on, they're almond cookies. You like almond cookies.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**You just took the box and shut the door in my face! Where's my end of the deal?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**(I have nothing to blackmail you with! You're just too full of self-esteem that I can't embarrass you! Why? Why are you so confident?! Fine, let me dig into Chunhua's plush collection.) I have this plush of Xiahou Yuan. **

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**(Damn, you already have one?) Plush of Cao Pi? Guo Huai? Cao Cao? Yuan Shao? Zhen Ji? Xiahou Ba? Me? (Please, Nu Wa, no.) **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**I have this Cao Cao plush if you'd give up some-no-ALL of the goods on Chunhua's sanity.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**(Really?! You just took it and shut the door in my face again!) You're taking advantage of me here! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Why are you worried about the Cao Cao doll? I thought you didn't like him.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What? The Cao Pi doll's not enough to fill in the "ruler of Wei" role?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I feel like you're getting less and less mature as time progresses. Are you aging backwards? Explains why you look like our sons' age instead of mine.**

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Fine, I suppose you need this since I was the one who deflowered you right when your childhood was over. Now that I say that, it sounds really really messed-up... **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**You saw nothing! *lying* Your mother's too much a cold person to own a plush collection! You know your mother well enough to know she's not the type to own cute things. **

**Your father**


	24. Get off my lawn!

**Maxi Pad,**

**Oh my god! You've come to visit me again even though I'm pretty sure Xun Yu fried you. Literally.**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**I found a skull. Is it yours? What happened? Did you finally kill someone? I hope it was Cao Zhi. (I can't stand his accent and cheesy poems.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Aw.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Jia Chong,**

**This your skull? You better not have killed the man who insulted your style when he passed by you from yesterday. (Actually, I really don't care.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Guo Huai,**

**This yours?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**Is it real...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**You wanted to scare Xiahou Ba with it...? So... it's fake?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**I don't know, Jia Chong, Wang Yi, or the graveyard?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Why is Maxi Pad alive? You fried him, remember?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Oh well.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Kagura,**

**I want these Romans off my lawn.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Yes, I'm hitting that "get off my lawn" stage in my life! Just get rid of them!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

***attached is a shotgun***

**Ooh, what's this? It's like a mini version of Guo Huai's cannon.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**I want to keep it! It's so effective! It blasted through those skirt-wearing soldiers' armor!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Aw...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Hey! I can't grow white hair anyway! Also, what is "beer", a "cigar" and a "wife beater" anyway? (Wife beater...? Is it a bat made for hitting your spouse...?)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Uh... Why do you ask?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**That's a weird question to ask me and I'm sort of off-guard by it. I'm your closet adviser along with Xun Yu and Guo Jia, my personal feelings for you are just purely respect and it's just business.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Who cares about Cao Pi? Right now it's all about you. (Until you die.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Just because they have admitted to loving you, doesn't mean I'll admit it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**(Ugh, just say it to shut him up.) Fine, I love you. Not in a gay way though.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I don't know... (The father I could have had.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Are you seriously trying to butter me up? I just said the few words I never say to anyone except for a very select of people. **

**(The only times... uh... Damn... I don't remember... I guess Chunhua... and... uh... Maybe a half one for Shi... Never for Zhao... Fu gets a couple of "love you"s since I'm obligated to even though I half mean them. And now I said them to Cao Cao, but they were forced, so I guess it doesn't count... )**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**From fetching you eggs to babysitting Cao Pi, I pretty much do everything for you.**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I don't do sexual favors, if that's what you're thinking. **

**P.P.S: I don't care if you fire me for real, I will not do anything sexual.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Good. I thought I had to slit my throat when you asked that question.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**It's been a few months of no you-related incidents, good job. Now... KEEP IT UP OR ELSE I'LL FREEZE YOU INTO THE NEXT ICE AGE.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Oh, you met someone? Yay. (Don't care, life's normal ever since you stopped touching your workshop these days.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Foxes can't talk.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**The fox says nothing since it can't talk. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Continue to ask me this and I'll throw you into Poseidon's swimming pool.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Satan, (What...?)**

**No thanks. I make my own deals.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Satan,**

**I'm good. I heard Jia Chong was looking for you, so go to him.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Yeah, sure. It's totally a good idea to burn that glass thing with unknown dust in it. (Phht, I'll start caring about you when Cao Cao dies.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Why are you nude and hugging a pillow? Bah, kids these days.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Cao Pi keeps on saying you took his baby...? Ehh... meh.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Yes, yes, that is a chair. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**And that's a table. Good for yooooou. Want a cookie?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**My hat is not the cookie. Now get off of me.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Cao Pi's turned into an imbecile times ten. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I really don't worry about him. He's Cao Cao's child, not mine.****Well? What is wrong with him? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**He smoked an addictive drug and now his body is demonstrating withdrawal. Well?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Can I kill him?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Aw. It's my policy to kill anyone who is a retard or an imbecile, so why not now?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okaaaaaay... I have to babysit him until you create something to help him. **

**Sima Yi **

**(Yeeeeeeeeah... That's not happening.)**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

**You take care of Cao Pi. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**He's fine. You'll take him, right?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang he, **

**Thank you. I know you will have fun with him. (Hehehehehehe...)**

**Sima Yi**


	25. We do not encourage teen pregnancy

**"Lin Park", (I don't remember having a servant named this...)**

**I never touched a young girl like her! Even when Chunhua was that girl's age, the only reason why I touched her was to pick her up to help her get something on a high shelf! There is no way I could have impregnated a child! I like my women my age or at least legal, thank you very much.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm serious here! Think about yourself for a minute, did I make any unhealthy advancements towards you? No. (That was when you hit twenty.) You know me well enough to know that I dislike little children and taking care of them, let alone have sexual feelings for one. Well, you don't count Shi and Zhao for the first parts since they're my children. So, what do we do with the girl? (Kill her.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**(Great... You're now Liu Bei all of a sudden.) Really...? I though you'd... fine. I'll tell Cao Cao and he'll see to her care.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Here's this unwed teen mother, do what you need to do.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I didn't do anything! This girl just shows up claiming I fathered her baby, but I don't like younger women.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Chunhua was nineteen when she had my first child! I didn't do anything until she was actually legal! Get your mind out of the gutter!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Well-I-well... You could say that, but it wasn't exactly how it was planned. We were both "inexperienced" and-wait, I'm not telling you this! Just take the girl!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhang He,**

**You let Cao Pi out of his cage and now he's crapping on my lawn! (When is Xun Yu ready with the potion?!) Huff...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Kagura,**

**I want that mini cannon thing that creates craters in people's chests.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**I shot Cao Pi with this thing because he wouldn't get off my lawn. His face is...well... like that time a peon got crushed by a boulder...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**He's... uh... okay... but... hehe... you're going to either laugh or cry at this. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

***nervous laughing* Hehehehe... Um... I guess that cannon's blast is more powerful when you're in point-blank range of your target. I didn't know it would take off Cao Pi's brain and half of his head though... (This cannon thing is awesome!) Can you fix him?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I have to find a body for him? Oh, alright.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Kill someone now.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Maybe that "Lin Park" guy is suitable. I don't think he's critical to the story anyway, so no one'll miss him.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Got the body. Now what?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Ugh... I have to cut out the organs and... Um... **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**KAGURA!**

**Reverse all of this!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**I'm on my own?! Co****me on!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Fine! Didn't know you were a little bitch disguised as a little girl!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

***blood spots around paper***

**Ok... ok... I did it... I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure Cao Pi's body parts are where they need to be. The new head parts are inside. You do the rest.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Unfortunately, your son is going to look like Frankenstein.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**He's going to be pretty ugly, you know, with the bolts and the stitches and the green skin? Then again, it's just him revealing the ugly inside he has except it's his own skin.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Yu-huh, get to stitching Cao Pi up and reforming his body instead of talking about your new lover.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I am not interested in hearing it! Do you hear me talking (complaining) about my wife to you? No, so don't do it to me.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Why are you giving me love advice?! What ever happened to making Cao Pi Frankenstein?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**That stuff is personal! My sex life is none of your business! I'm not asking you about this, so you should too! Also, that's a question Guo Jia's or Zhen Ji's more likely to ask than you. And hello? Stitching up Cao Pi is the priority here!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I think Guo Jia's the one to turn to for that... Now get back to the stitching!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Why are you looking at me? I don't produce electricity, the ones over in Shu do.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**You like creating lighting storms, so why not now?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I want some electricity.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Aw, don't be that way. I have some oatmeal raisin cookies. (Ugh, you have the worst tastes. I'm pretty sure no one would choose this as their favorite flavor in a cookie.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Yeeeeeeah... Your thing... Ah-ha... (Oh fine. It was my fault that Cao Pi got half of his head blown off, and this is what I have to do...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Zhuge Liang will only help is that we give him this box of cookies and his dick back.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I don't know why is bribing people with cookies working. It's effective though most of the time.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Here's the box and here's another box. Now summon some clouds over Wei.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Yes, what else do you think you were suppose to do with it? Stitch "that" back on.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**You're taking a really long time... Where are the clouds-**

***soot surrounds the paper***

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**It's aliiiiiive! Sorry, I just wanted to do that. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well, he's back, but why is he towering over you and me?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well... I didn't exactly say make him actually Frankenstein. Just a "different" version would work.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Here's your son. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Uhhh... what caused this...? Um... He fell into a pit of tigers and thus had to be reconstructed.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**FrankenPi,**

**Uh-huh, you're pissed about me blowing off your head. (I'm surprised you remembered considering your brain was in pieces.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**I don't care if your sex life is hitting rock bottom, why are you complaining to me?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**It's still Cao Pi, except he's green/yellowish and covered in scars. Besides, women are into men with scars these days. (I don't have any scars except a few arrow wounds, but I guess those don't count as "scars".)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**FrankenPi,**

**Aw, boo-hoo, tough shit. But here's the fun pro of that body of yours: You have the strength of Dian Wei and Xu Chu combined and your IQ is that of mine. (That's actually the downside for me...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dian Wei,**

**Sorry if FrankenPi is taking your place in "strongest man alive", but the body rotted and I had to inject some special serum in order to strengthen the skin and the side effect was the muscles are unable to snap or strain despite being small.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dian Wei,**

**Tl;dr? What's that supposed to mean?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**I found this interesting letter here and... well... My son asked you to repeat that spell? Care to explain this?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Ah, so it wasn't your idea, but his? Good. Gives me enough reason to jam him up Yinglong's asshole.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Don't worry, I already "took care" of your brother.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**Zhao's taken care of, you won't hear that fox riddle again.**

**Your father-in-law**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Don't worry about him, he's in a... "tight" situation...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Yinglong's ass.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**No,no,no! Not the person from Warriors Orochi! The actual being of Yinglong!**

**Sima Yi**

***Yinglong has an appearance in Warriors Orochi as a human, but in this case, it's the actual dragon**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, he'll die if he goes the front way. All those teeth will chew him into paste.**

**Sima Yi**


	26. Period joke!

**Deng Ai,**

**Well... Maxi Pad's ugly, soooo... throw that out... (Huh, he's covered in blood... so... he's an actual maxi pad.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**(When did interacting with Romans start with other foreigners attacking us? There are plenty of other lands to take besides China. There's Persia, the very cold place above us, ****Korea, that little island next to Korea *****Japan*****, the land on the other side of the Himalayas *****India*****, the warm land down South near Wu *****Vietnam*****, and some other extremely tiny islands *****Indonesia* near it****. )**

**Well, you can go tell those "Huns" to look somewhere else because there is nothing worth stealing here. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Lu Bu,**

**There's this man that thinks he's sooooo much better than you. He has a pet falcon and has yellow eyes. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chong Wei, (Wow, a peon with an actual name... I never knew that they had names.)**

**It's just one tree, don't bother me unless it's something with that falcon guy. Actually, can you tell me on how Lu Bu's doing with him?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chong Wei,**

**Well, I'm going to bring the good wine to watch that fight. The actually good wine, not the stuff Jia Xu makes in a hurry to get a quick buzz.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chong Wei,**

**You can have the stuff Guo Jia makes. It's not bad nor good. But it's mostly not bad.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhou Yu,**

**I want some popcorn, may I borrow Lu Xun? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**Oh. Well, than you can do it since Lu Xun will scorch my popcorn into ash.**

**Sima Yi **

***attached is the bag of popcorn kernels***

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

***attached is a half-filled bag of popped kernels* **

**You ate some of it, did you?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xu Chu,**

**I'll be taking a small sliver of butter, if you don't mind. (I don't like plain popcorn.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Guo Huai,**

**I have popcorn. You and Deng Ai can sit and watch the foreign leader fighting Lu Bu. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**Oh, good idea. You can use your cannon to heat up extra kernels.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Wei Scout,**

**What do you mean there's a giant winged dragon flying above in the sky? Are you on something? You know Cao Cao doesn't want drug addicts in his army.**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I just saw it. Dismiss the rest above.**

* * *

**Deng Ai,**

**Don't worry, that's... er... Yinglong coming down with... a "package." (I guess it doesn't want Zhao in its butt anymore...) **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**Looks like Yinglong did it for you. You can make sure the Hun leader is dead if you feel like it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Things learned: Yinglong poops gold and you need to shut up on stupid riddles on foxes. **

**Your father**

**P.S: You're not washing off until the soldiers pluck the gold off you.**

* * *

**FrankenPi,**

**Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Where are you taking my house?! (You're that strong to do that...? That serum worked alright.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Fine! I called you by your real name! Now put that down!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Don't you dare put that in the East China Sea!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**You dick.**

**Sima Yi (I can just freeze the area around the house in order to prevent it sinking.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Cao Pi is pissed and he threw the house into the sea.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, he now has superhuman strength despite being skin and bones.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**(WHOA! YOU SWORE! Even though it's only on paper, but still.) Watch your language, missy! I know it's just you and me, but damn! I didn't know such words could come out of your mouth/be written by your hands! Go put a gold coin in the swear goblet.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**A lady shouldn't have those words in her vocabulary! I swear to get a point across, and that's it. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Fine, I fucked up with the fact our home is floating on an ice platform thanks to my ****(and Xun Yu's) ****botched**** surgery/reconstruction of Cao Pi. (That I caused...)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Get over here and put back my house where it was! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I can't do that. It's either return to your scrawny self and lose the strength or me killing you again. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I'm sorry, a dead body is easier to manipulate than a live and unconscious one. Unless you don't mind being operated on while conscious, these's no other choice.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Trust me, it'll hurt. A few cuts and snips along with lighting striking you. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**I have the patient here, so do all your magic on him and start the procedure. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Wait, wait! I need him to take my house back!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**He's already knocked out? Fine...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Call up your pet qilin to lift the house out of the water and back to where it was before.**

**Your father**


	27. Broke the 4th wall hard again

**Roman Emperor replacement,**

**Well, your hair looks like a baby's head. And how the hell do you know my name? (Jeez, why more Romans? They are wasting their money on his war! It'll be sooner or later until they finally fall.)**

* * *

**Chong Wei, (Hey, it rhymes with Jiang Wei.)**

**I didn't know you were so interested in my grandson's well being. He does have a nanny and not to mention Shi and Chunhua spoiling him. (I do myself with cookies.) A daycare? Wei has that?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Is there a daycare here? I'm just wondering.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Oh, really? Oh well, I suppose I can leave Yan there.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Ahhhh... Um... Sexy grandpas...? We may have grandchildren, but... hehehe... "sexy" doesn't go with the word "grandpa". **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**My face is stuck like this despite being both a father and a grandfather. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**May I borrow your staff? It's for a... personal reason. (It looks like a baby rattle, so... maybe Yan will be attracted to it...?)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jia Xu,**

**You're drunk and stoned. You totally did not see me being playful.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**No,no,no! You're stoned and horny, and that is making you see and hear things. You totally did not hear me talk in a cutesy voice.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Tell anyone and I'll freeze off all of that blonde hair. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**I know where your stash of illegal snake venom wine is, and I can just make it "disappear."**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**What? I can't spend time with my grandson? What kind of person would I be?**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**That's because Yan is more likely to be successful than you. He did get his mother's genes and not yours.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Well, you certainly didn't get anything from me. All you got was your mother's looks and nothing else. Must be a mutation.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**No, no, no, you're not going in there. Here's your baby rattle back.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I am going to shoot you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, the Cao Pi thing was different. It was obligated. With you, it is justified.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Just looking at the cover of this movie make me not want to watch it. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**In this case, it's a DVD case, not a book. So that saying has no meaning here.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**I see two men being intimate on this cover. Do I need to say more on why I won't like this? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**No, thanks. Maybe Li Dian might be interested. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I don't get the title. "Brokeback"? What? Did one of these men break their backs during coitus?**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**Yeah, yeah, blah, yellow-face, blah, uncivilized purple twat... (Never been called that before.) blah, blah purple phallus...? **

**PURPLE PHALLUS?! Oh, it's on!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Release the Orochi soul jar on these skirt-wearing-toothbrush-topped-helmet-armor-with-nipples-wearing Roman bastards!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I know, why do these people have armor that have nipples on them? I noticed some even have belly buttons on them as well. Weird. (Ooh, I think I know what the women's armor would look like. Ah, stop! Not a time to be thinking this!)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Oh, now you come back? Well, too bad! Orochi's back, BEEEEEICTH!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Good news: Orochi massacred the Romans. Bad news: He's gone and killed a third of my army.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Whoa, I didn't know such language could come from a little girl like you. Actually, how old are you?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**WHOA. Damn, you're old.**

**Sima Yi**

***paper was jammed into Yi's mouth, so it was later slightly wet***

* * *

**Kagura,**

**What was that for?! (Ugh, paper tastes bad. Ugh! Ink got in my mouth!) **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**So what? It's another Warriors Orochi game for Koei. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Of course I know about that! I feel my arms being controlled on their own, beating things senseless. I feel like someone's controlling me.**

**Sima Yi**


	28. Cookie bribes

**Chong Wei,**

**Wow, never thought a peon would dedicate himself so much to me. Are you expecting to be promoted? If so, you are going to have to try harder than that.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Where's the good paper? The ones we use for peace treaties-we-later-break-because-you-are-too-ambitious-for-your-own-good. I want to end this nonsense of white men trying to destroy our country.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**What? They ARE white. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Well, what else do you want me to call them? Pales? Very light skinned people? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Fine, I'll just call them Romans. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**New Roman emperor,**

**I have a treaty to ensure our countries are to live in peace with each other. How about it?**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**Just sign it and we will no longer bother you and you will do the same.**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**Aaaaaaaaaaah... hehehehahahah... ahahaha... no... no... no... That's not happening...**

* * *

**Roman Emperor,**

**No thanks. China is not merging with you. Nor we want you to merge with us.**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**Just sign it.**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**Sign it and you will get a cookie.**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**SIGN IT OR I WILL MAKE YOU CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY. (I don't even know HOW to convert people.)**

* * *

**Roman emperor,**

**There. Was that so hard? Now go back to your country and let's forget the millions of lost soldiers in this meaningless war which I sort of caused.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I have this woman that I've seen being very intimate with you annnnd... Well, you will be getting a food box with a "head of lettuce" if you don't reverse all of this with an alternative me destroying Wei.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I'M being mean? I'M BEING MEAN? HAHAHAHAHA! YES! SOMEONE FINALLY SAYS I'M MEAN! YES!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO HERE? I'M BEING ME! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!**

**SIMA FUCKING YI, THAT'S WHO! **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Now back to the topic at hand, if you don't clean this up, bitches will die today.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Oh, good for you. You got off your fat-ass and did something. I shall put a gold star on this letter for your effort. (This doesn't mean you get my love though.)**

**Your father (What happened to Shi? He normally does these things.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**(Huh, I can just get her to drown that me.) Actually, that sounds fun. Throw me into the East China Sea or the Yangtze. I've always wanted to swim in an ocean or the longest river here. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**That's not me. He's me from another dimension, ask Xun Yu.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**What are you talking about? I'm alive.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**I'm floating dead in the Yangtze...? (Yay, it worked.) Oh, don't worry that's another me. I'm the real deal.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You drowned a clone. So no, you didn't make yourself a widow. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: At least you won't get charged with first-degree murder since that was nobody. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You have something in your left eye. Is that...? No, that can't be. Was that a tear? Were you crying? I didn't know you had tear ducts. What else have you been hiding from me? Those breasts are fake? That hair is dyed? You being not even from this country? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I just threatened a man with the thought of sending him the head of his lover, I think me being "sensitive" is out of the question. Oh, you DO feel guilt? You have a really good poker face, so I couldn't tell. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, me dying means you would have to go into prostitution or be a Cao concubine. And I'm pretty sure you don't want either. **

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I'm your only legitimate source for sex, so that's another reason you don't want me dying. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh come on, at least you have it better than Yue Ying and Wang Yi. Their husbands are either a pencil-pusher or a generic. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm a pencil-pusher both at work and in bed. And what I mean by "pencil-pusher" in that term is *too explicit*.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, haha, I didn't know you made dick jokes. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I can't believe we're having this conversation. We're lucky to be sending these letters through a private line. If we were using a normal Wei messenger service, Cao Cao or Cao Pi or Zhen Ji would have gotten it and my entire sex life will be all over town square faster than what Wang Yi does to a gallon of wine.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Actually, it's kinda sad to think that I have a healthier sex life than Zhao and Shi combined. I thought the younger generation would have spend half their day humping. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Here you go, here's your bitch. Now bye.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, you're still pissed about that. How about a box of almond cookies?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I'm pretty sure whores wouldn't take cookies as payment anyway.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**So, no cookies? (Okay, this works almost all the time.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Why are you being this way? I'm offering you cookies. You like cookies.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**What makes you think I'm playing "sweet and dumb"? I'm just trying to give you cookies and you're being a bitch.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Oh, then you won't be needing my company then. Okay, bye.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Here are some cookies from my failed bribe. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**What kind of person does not like almond? What's wrong with you?**

**Your faher**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Here's some cookies.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Why does no one in here like almond?! **

**Your father**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Here are some cookies.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Women like sweets, no?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh come on, you can't get fat, so jam them down your throat if you must or I'll do it myself. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**So? Eat them. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Yuanji,**

**Here are some cookies. (Chunhua just took one.)**

**Your father-in-law**

* * *

**(She just took one...)**

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**I have some cookies for you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**(Why does nobody trust me giving them cookies?)**

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Here are some cookies.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**(You've got to be fucking kidding me...)**

**Dear Xu Chu,**

**BOX OF COOKIES. IN. MY. HAND.**

**Sima Yi**

**(Only the dumb fattie trusts me completely! This is... ugh...)**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Just shut up and be happy I didn't pull a "What Cao Cao did to the Emperor's concubine" on your lover.**

**Sima Yi**


	29. Yes, I actually made a hundred questions

**Chong Wei,**

**Being different from other peons... Hmph, I underestimated you. (Goddamn it, what the hell? Shu or Wu could be attacking any moment and I have to sit here and answer a hundred fucking questions.)**

** Sima Yi**

* * *

**(I have a cousin?) Belic,**

**FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T WANT TO GO FUCKING BOWLING!**

**Sima Yi (What's bowling...? Bowls... and...? Do you play with bowls?)**

* * *

**Xu Shu,**

**You're Shu's problem now. You were not part of the treaty.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Oh my god! This is soooo... FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHAHA! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Yeah, who cares? Makes them easier to fight.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Gan Ning,**

**I can't read this. It looks like a three-year old's handwriting. Oh, you're drunk. Not my problem.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***The following will be the questions Sima Yi has to answer and has his answer under it***

**1. Are you gay?**

**NO. **

**2. Are you lactose-intolerant? **

**No. (The fuck? Why does he want to know that?!)**

**3. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot is your spouse?**

**9.86. ****(Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... He's the only one that reads these, right? Also, why does he want to know this?) **

**4. How old are you?**

**Forty-two.**

**5. How many concubines?**

**5 (Again, why?)**

**6. How many wives?**

**1**

**7. How much do you paid?**

**Cao Cao, you already know! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PAYS ME!**

**8. What did you just eat?**

**An almond cookie from latest failed bribe. (...I think he's just messing with my head...)**

**9. What was the last few words in my latest speech?**

**(I fell asleep during this... I'll make it up.) Conquer ass and chew bubblegum.**

**10. What is a mitochondria? **

**I majored in war and tactics, not science.**

**11. What is a carbohydrate?**

**Something bread is made out of.**

**12. Are Zhen Ji's boobs fake?**

**Yes.**

**13. If Wang Yi chugs down three gallons of wine, how many quarts would she have drank?**

**12. (Soldier-related math problems?)**

**14. If Sima Yi is 5'10 and his hat is 3 feet, how tall is he without his hat?**

**HEY!**

**15. Are those pants that Zhang Chunhua wears? Why do they have holes?**

**I... uh... don't know.**

**16. Why is her chest area exposed? You can shoot and arrow there and she would die!**

**I... uh... don't know how to answer this... (Are these targeted to me?)**

**17. Also Lian Shi! Those things are hanging out there ready for an arrow! And she's in Wu!**

**Cao Cao, your rants don't count as questions. And I agree with the fact she's in Wu and she needs to protect herself or else she'll die by an arrow like everyone else does in there.**

**18. Does Sima Yi need to quit being a bitch?**

**You're targeting me with these, huh? And you asswipe.**

**19. Are you single?**

**WHY ASK THIS LATER INTO THE SURVEY IF YOU ASKED FOR SPOUSES EARLIER?!**

**20. Want a cookie?**

**I already have some, so no thanks.**

**21. If Zhen Ji slaps peons at a rate of 20 slaps per peon, how many slaps would she have given to 150 peons?**

**3000 slaps. (These are sort of fun.)**

**22. If Xu Chu eats five chicken legs per second, how many would he have eaten within a minute?**

**300 legs. (Am I back at secondary school again?)**

**23. Zhang He stabs peons during a battle at a rate of 5 stabs per peon. If he stabs 100 peons, and his claws have four blades, how many stabs wounds would each peon sustain? **

**20. **

**24. How many stabs in all?**

**2000. (Geez, when did you become my math teacher?)**

**25. In this lovely picture of yours truly, describe my greatest feature. *drawing of Cao Cao***

**None of the above.**

**26. Why did Bella choose Edward?**

**That book is a sack of shit, and I'm going to ask you why did you read that book later.**

**27. My niece made me read it to her, okay?**

**I want to know why the great Cao Cao's niece likes that shitty book.**

**28. She was dropped as a baby.**

**Oh. Sad.**

**29. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?**

**What's a Klondike Bar?**

**30. Draw me like one of your Korean girls.**

**BIG NO.**

**31. Guo Jia and Jia Xu have a gallon of wine to share. Jia Xu takes it and runs. How much wine would Guo Jia would have drank?**

**Well, none since Jia Xu made off with the jar.**

**32. How much game does Guo Jia have?**

**None.**

**33. You jelly. You know you are.**

**I won't need "game" since I'm already married.**

**34. Who's cooking is the worst?**

**Cao Pi. (Never trust a spoiled brat to cook.)**

**35. Who's the best? **

**Xu Chu. (The fat man has his tastes.)**

**36. Do you think Cao Ren could become a Bakugan?**

**Well, he's rotund, so yeah.**

**37. What cup size are Zhang Chunhua's boobs?**

**Cao Cao, why do you want to know that? **

**38. Come on, you know you're asking this yourself. Just guess.**

**Uhhh...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm staring at your chest for science. Don't get in the way of science. **

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**38. At least a D or C. **

**39. What cup size is Wang Yi?**

**I wouldn't know.**

**40. Cai Wenji?**

**She's flat, that's all I can say.**

**41. Why is Wang Yuanji blonde?**

**Mm-hm?**

**42. Was Lion King a good movie?**

**Nah. **

**43. Frozen?**

**Nah.**

**44. Mulan?**

**Meh.**

**45. Hunchback of Notre Dame?**

**Meh. **

**46. Draw boobs.**

**(o)(o) (I'm slightly ashamed of myself...)**

**47. Can you sing?**

**I don't know. **

**48. Draw me like one of your Japanese girls.**

***stick figure with a badly drawn Cao Cao face as its head* Happy?**

**49. What is love?**

**When you actually like the person you're with.**

**50. Is the cake a lie?**

**If the cake's there, then it's not a lie then.**

**51. Can you bench-press 200 pounds?**

**No. **

**52. Lu Bu kills at a rate of 200 per minute, how many would he have killed by the time you finish reading this?**

**Trick question, he would have killed me by now.**

**53. Are you a virgin?**

**I have two kids. What do you think?**

**54. Does your anaconda want if she has buns, hun?**

**(Oh, a dick innuendo. How mature.) Well, I don't care. **

**55. Sexual fantasy with any women here, describe it.**

**Yeah, don't know what you're going to do with that...**

**56. Read any good books lately?**

**The Iliad and The Odyssey. (And some porn in between...)**

**57. Zhong Hui is bitch, no?**

**Why yes, he is.**

**58. Deng Ai tunnels a hole 6 meters wide. What is the circumference of that hole?**

**18.84 meters. **

**59. Have you had sex in an office before?**

**(...Hehehehe...) Fine, maybe a couple of times.**

**60. Well, you should. It's hot.**

**I answered yes, so this does not apply to me.**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**What do you mean by "crack"? You shoot lasers out your butt? (Haha.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You could have asked me what flavor it was, and I'm pretty sure you heard me yell out "WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE ALMOND" during the time I tried to give them to Shi and Zhao. That would have given you a very clear idea what I was trying to give out. Oh, fine, let me take a look. And I never knew you had an peanut allergy. What's next? You have cancer?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**Fine, here are the batch I last tried to bribe Xun Yu with. I still have a lot after the fat man ate them. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Yuanji, **

**Here. (I thought I would need to jam them down your throat before, but you like them, so this is better.)**

***box of cookies***

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua**

***crooked writing since he's sort of laughing***

**Okay, this is sort of my fault. Can you just put a knife and pop that like a balloon?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, it doesn't work like that. Let me see what's in my pockets.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Can you bring me something that can help with my wife's... *crooked again* ...problem? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura, **

***attached is a syringe***

**What's this?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**This looks funny... Are you sure it will work?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Future people use this to cure allergies? Oh, then she won't have these anymore then?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Temporary until she eats another peanut-almond thing? What? They can't make something that cures the whole thing?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm going to stick this funny needle into you. This might hurt.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I don't want to look! It's very unsettling to be seeing your face puffed up like a pufferfish.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**That's was your eye?! Okay, one more try.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, you're doing it yourself.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, the swelling is gone, but... Your eye has some blood coming out... I'll get something for that.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I have an eyepatch for you. Put this on until that heals or never.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, look on the bright side. You and Xiahou Dun have two things in common now!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, I forgot. Xiahou Dun killed a man at 14, you killed a woman at 13. Now you both of two have eyepatches!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Fine, you look like one of those hardcore female bartenders at a pirate tavern. All you need is a hooked hand.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xiao Qiao,**

**Wait until you're about 18. That is grown-up talk. (Well, Cai Wenji didn't turn into a lesbian. Yet.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**I don't know why you are trying to destroy your homeland, but saves me work when I get there.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**You probably shouldn't eat a lot of spicy food then.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**You too have an allergy to peanuts? Ugh... Wait.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I need to draw some blood from you. (The blood probably has the medicine still flowing through her veins.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**It's only a little bit!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, you have gallons of blood in you, this is small compared to that.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**Um, sure?**

***attached is box of cookies***

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Oh, calm down. Let me get this blood in you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Ah, you two have the same family name, so it's fine.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**Okay, thanks for the warning. (You fool! That could have been a good tactic to attacking Wei! Oh well! HAHAHAHA! SUCKER!)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**You feel sick? Go to Xun Yu.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I failed medical school, soooo yeah...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**He needs to be in for a week? Oh well.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Sorry I poisoned you with bad blood. Here's a box of bread. (Chunhua's personality is that poisonous it's in her blood.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Oh, I almost forgot. Zhou Yu's shooting lasers out of his ass.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Wait, what? I have to go into his soul and kill the demon doing this? Why don't you do it?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Whaaaat? I didn't say thaaaat! Mages are critical to every team! They heal and attack very well. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Mages do attack well! I was just saying that to Yue Ying just to shut her up! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Argh, fine.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**Sit down or at least try. I'm going to perform a ritual on you to stop this. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**Huh, your soul's way different. I see arrows and fire everywhere and it's all red. I see Zhuge Liang being crucified over there. Now back to the demon.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**This demon looks human. He looks like Jia Chong with better hair.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**He's gone. Now you're going to feel a little weak and something will come out of your butt.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**NEVER SPEAK OF THIS. (Ugh! I came out of a guy's ass! I thought the demon would come out that way! Ugh! The demon pulled me towards there... UGH! Luckily, there are no fanfictions on me and him, so it's not going to hurt me a lot.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**This food here does not look edible. What the hell is it?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Annnnnnnnnd how the hell did you get tiger meat? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, there is no way you could wrestle a tiger. Especially in a dress. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What the hell are you wearing? It looks similar to what Jia Xu wears. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I think the eyepatch changed you. But I can't remove it or else the eye will get infected. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay! I'll eat it! No need to get all badass on me!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Huh, it tastes fine. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Hey, where are you going?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jia Xu,**

**Your new drinking buddy? What happened to Guo Jia?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Jia Xu,**

**Oh, interesting. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**What do you mean? You're the only one here with an eyepatch.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**You're going to kick his ass for wearing the same eyepatch?! Why?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Yeah, get to Xun Yu before that gets infected. The glass has some traces of alcohol, so you have time.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

** Chunhua,**

**Where the hell did you go? And why do you smell like alcohol?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Did you just give me a noogie?! I'll show you!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**I am not abusing your mother! She asked for this! Now go to your room.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Yeah, hurts when its done to you! (I feel weird doing this.)**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**She's not on her time of the month, so what the heck is making her act like this? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**That is a load of bull!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**The eyepatch reveals her inner man...? I... Hey, what would happen if I removed Xiahou Dun's eyeptach?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**It doesn't work on him because he's too manly...? Huff... **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***continued questions***

**61. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?**

**Well, you need to give me the rate of how much wood its chucking.**

**62. Broom broom.**

**I don't get it.**

**63. What time is it?**

**About 6:34.**

**64. What do you call a peon down on his luck?**

**Dead.**

**65. Do you eat ass?**

**No, donkeys have disgusting meats.**

**66. Who has the finest ass in all the land?**

**Well, the local butcher has a donkey that's rather pretty for its kind. It could pass for a pony to be honest.**

**67. Believe in the me that believes in you.**

**Wow, did you get that from a book?**

**68. Did Dio do nothing wrong?**

**What happened to the grammar?**

**69. Have you kissed a guy?**

**Nope, and never will.**

**70. Do you use tongue?**

**I use my tongue to talk, so of course.**

**71. Is Guo Jia a natural blonde?**

**Nope. **

**72. Are you sure?**

**Yup. **

**73. Have you seen my dog?**

**You have a dog?**

**74. Sima Zhao sleeps ten hours a day. How many hours would he have slept after a year?**

**He would never sleep because I will make him work his lazy-ass off.**

**75. Do you have kids?**

**Well, yeah. You've seen them.**

**76. What shampoo do you use?**

**I use herbs and water. **

**77. Bruh.**

**Huh?**

**78. Which women here would you want to *censoredcensored*?**

**Whoa... Um... I would want to do that to my wife, but... hehehe... she's not up for it... **

**79. Bros before hos?**

**I rather push my brother off a cliff than spend a minute with a prostitute.**

**80. Do you leik Mudkips?**

**You spelled "like" wrong.**

**81. Who has the sharpest beard here?**

**Jia Xu. (That thing could cut a orange in half.)**

**82. Do you like waffles?**

**What are waffles?**

**83. Do you like pancakes?**

**Not so much.**

**84. Do you like French toast?**

**What is French toast?**

**85. Do you wish to die?**

**Sometimes.**

**86. Sima Yi walks at a rate of 3 feet per minute. How long would it take for him to get to the palace if it is 150 feet away from him?**

**ARE YOU SAYING THAT I WALK SLOW?!**

**87. Fill in the blank. Cao Pi is a _d****ouchebag_.****  
**

**88. Fill in the blank. Cao Cao is _an asshole_.**

**89. Fill in the blank. Sima Yi is _better than you_.**

**90. Have any pets?**

**A qilin.**

**91. Do she got booty?**

**Whose are we talking about here?**

**92. What's black and red all over?**

**Lu Bu after a killing spree.**

**93. What happened at the Battle of Red Cliffs?**

**You got your ass beat by fire-loving bastards.**

**94. Are you a vegetarian?**

**No. **

**95. Have any scars?**

**Only a few arrow wounds, but they're barely worth telling about.**

**96. Are you worth it?**

**Well, you tell me. **

**97. So, how's Xun Yu for you? He's coming out in the next Empires game.**

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I rather not talk about it.**

**98. Xiahou Dun gets shot in the face again. How many eyes does he have now?**

**None.**

**99. Want to see a dead body?**

**I've seen plenty, this will not be any newer.**

**100. Chicken butt.**

**I actually thought you would say chicken ribs, but okay...**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**I'm finished with the survey! (Finally.) Now what?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Nope. (Not doing this again!)**

**Sima Yi**


	30. Sexsexsexsexsex

**Cao Cao,**

**Why would I want to rely on the help of Wu to burn the palace down? I will not ask for those monkey-handed baboons to destroy my own. And you know how much I hate Wu.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

***this is the same letter with the spiders***

**Opps, the messenger got confused and sent it through Shu's line.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

** Xun Yu,**

**Okay, that was unnecessary. They were already upset with the fact they have vaginas now.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chong Wei,**

**Aw, look at this little peon trying to be important by giving an executive order by Cao Cao. *teasing* Want a little treat?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Okay, okay. I thought the Nanman were Shu's allies and they hate us, so I was skeptical about that message.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**NO. I already suffered through Cao Cao's! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Ugh...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**I have a little assignment for you! And I'm taking that eyepatch since you're an asshole with it. Here's some bandages.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Hey, your eye was already healed! Why did you keep it on this whole time?!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Unfortunately, Xiahou Dun's the only one that can have an eyepatch. It's his thing. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, it's a little survey. Something that'll keep you occupied.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**No taksies backsies!**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I'm already over in Luoyang, so you can't jam it down my throat! Haha!**

* * *

***The following are the questions except with Chunhua's answers***

**1. Tits or GTFO.**

**(...Why am I stuck with this...?) Neither then.**

**2. Why did the chicken cross the road?**

**To get away from you.**

**3. In this picture of yours truly, what is my best feature? *drawing of Cao Pi***

**None.**

**4. How do you kill a mocking bird?**

**Just kill it. What else?**

**5. Who is the boss here?**

**Cao Cao.**

**6. If you said my father, you better rethink that.**

**I'm pretty sure Cao Cao is the boss here.**

**7. If you're female and got this, what panties are you wearing?**

** ...None of your business.**

**8. Guo Huai's cannon shoots bullets at a rate of 100 bullets per second. How many bullets would he have shot if after three minutes?**

**18,000 bullets. **

**9. NEEEEEEERD!**

**It's basic math. Unless YOU can't do it...**

**10. What happened during the Battle of Chibi?**

**Wei forces got defeated by Wu and Shu in a sea of flame.**

**11. Sima Yi's a bitch, no?**

**Half of the time. The rest of the time he is an asshole. (Like sticking me with this survey.)**

** 12. How's Xun Yu to you?**

**He took my uterus once.**

**13. What is love?**

**A feeling that always leads to sex.**

**14. Would you sacrifice your arm and leg in order to save your spouse?**

**Depends. What is the spouse dying from?**

**15. What is a cell?**

**A small room you keep prisoners in.**

**16. What is an atom?**

**Smallest unit in all matter.**

**17. What is a monosaccharide?**

**I was never into science...**

**18. How much is too much?**

**What are you talking about?**

**19. How many fucks do you give?**

**None.**

**20. Do you use tongue?**

**Rarely. (Only when I'm really in the mood.)**

**21. Can you use a sword?**

**Not professionally.**

**22. Are you gay?**

**Not yet.**

**23. Who would you have sex with if you were not married? **

**I really don't know. Everyone around me is old enough to be my father.**

**24. Are you married?**

**Yes. **

**25. Who is capable of destroying the chaos in this land?**

**I really have no say in this. **

**26. What is your favorite food?**

**I tend to not think about that...**

**27. How's your sex?**

**It feels like twenty years since I last had it.**

**28. Who would you give to punch in the face?**

**You for making this survey up.**

**29. How do girls pee?**

**Instead of standing, we have to sit. **

**30. You liek Mudkips?**

**What's a Mudkip?**

**(That's it. I'm done with this crap.)**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Oh, sorry to hear my wife jammed that (crappy) survey down your throat. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Well, I made her do it.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**No! No way am I doing these surveys again! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Would you do your father a favor and complete this survey?**

***attached is the Cao Pi survey***

**Your father**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Do you know how painful it was to write a hundred answers? No, so I will not do that survey again. And I have my own cookies!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***sarcasm* Aw, look at you. Trying to get a unique character feature. And why do you have the patch still? I thought I removed it. I'll go do it now. And let's be realistic, neither you nor me can survive an encounter with Xiahou Dun. That needle... A Sima family secret.**

** Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**There. I don't want to see "Asshole you" from now on.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Being an asshole is MY thing. Your thing is being a bitch that somehow was allowed to have children. To be honest, an asshole personality doesn't fit you.**

**Sima Yi (I'll give this eyepatch back to Xiahou Dun.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, you're part of the family through marriage. But that secret is for the patriarchs of the family. Just stay away from peanut foods and I don't need to grab that needle again.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You know, bribing me with sex is not going to work with secrets. Any other thing would be perfect, but I can't disclose that one thing. No matter how much stuff you offer me.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm not even sure your mind can even comprehend it. And you won't believe me even I did tell you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**A little girl holding a tiny plant opened a small portal that leads into a futuristic land and she took out the needle there. There, I told you. Now's where your end of the deal?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

** Chunhua,**

**Wait, what? You actually believe me? Okay, that's good. Since now I told you, where's my reward?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Damn it, woman! You breaking your deals! And I'm starting to think you dislike sex.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm a man that spends hours behind a desk writing or creating battle strategies. Not to mention being Cao Cao and Cao Pi's right-hand man and those two wear me out like I'm a tube sock! Of course I'm more demanding of pleasure from women! **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh my god, I forgot all about those women. They're so darn quiet, I don't even remember I had concubines. Wait, did they die? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**They live here? How come I've never seen them?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, they're very unimportant to me, so I forget them sometimes... ehhhhhh... **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh well, you and one of them can go into a bed.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm... curious... For science! Yes, for science! I wish to see how women have sex with other women. For an experiment of course. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Yes, there is a science to this! There's... how far you can reach...? Human sexuality... Women's reproduction... Healthy hand joints... Healthy leg joints... Vaginal health...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**It's going to be hard to record the information If I'm doing the doing. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, to be honest. Those concubines are boring and only serve to be my pleasure. Boring in personality, I mean. They just stand there and are too submissive. **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

** Xiao Qiao,**

**What a waste of rice. You know, peasants are dying and you're throwing rice away. What spoiled little girl/boy you are. And what panda? Why would I want one? And about that gender swap thing...**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: Meanie Ice Man? Really...? **

* * *

**Wei Yan,**

**You can cut the act. I know you're faking. Luckily, everyone in Shu is brain-dead, so they don't know about your act yet. Zhuge Liang hates anyone that thinks differently, so of course he hates you.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Wei Yan,**

**There, now make sure a Shu messenger doesn't find that letter or else it's all over town square like Guo Jia's bed sheets after happy hour.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**You know, I can just make you a man if you wanted muscles. Muscles do not look flattering on a woman, let alone a little girl.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

** Xun Yu,**

**Okay, this gender-swapping spell is getting old. It was funny three weeks ago, but it's getting dull now. You can lift it in both kingdoms, but leave it on Guan Yinping since she wants muscles.**

**Sima Yi**


	31. Family Guy vomiting

**Chong Wei,**

**This cover disturbs me... (But I'm really curious.)**

**Your lord, Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**I forgot how to use this DVD player. Can you help me with it?**

**Your father**

* * *

***paper has specks of vomit***

**Chunhua,**

**Can you use your stabbing abilities on this item-that-shall-not-be-named? Don't stop until you see nothing but dust.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***paper has specks of vomit***

**Chunhua,**

**As you can see, there is a pool of vomit that Shi and I made for watching this thing. Trust me, you'll just add more to the pool if you watch this.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

***paper has specks of vomit***

**Chunhua,**

**Yeah, I'm still puking as I'm writing this.**

**Sima Yi**

***some more vomit***

* * *

***still more vomit***

**Chunhua,**

**I warned you! Now all three of us are unable to talk since we're puking an unrealistic amount of vomit onto the floor! Letters are the only way of communicating right now! **

***vomit covering this area***

**Damn, I dropped it. ****Sima Yi**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Don't come in here!**

***vomit covering it* (Damn, I dropped it again!)**

* * *

***vomit specks***

**Zhao,**

**Get a group of maids here! Clean up in the living room!**

**Sima Yi**

***vomit specks***

* * *

**Shi, *vomit specks***

**I can't stop either! The image is too fresh in my head! **

**Sima Yi **

**(Ugh, I haven't barfed this much since that time I was forced to read a homosexual story on me and Cao Pi! It involved way too many things that I wouldn't even do with my wife!)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**You don't want to know! Just get this demon spawn out of here and burn it and chop it until it it in atom form! **

**Sima Yi**

***vomit specks***

* * *

**Xu Chu,**

**Wow, these are nice. Though... I can't eat now...**

***vomit specks***

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Ma Dai, *********vomit specks***

**I don't know where your slow friend is.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Wei Yan, *********vomit specks***

**Why the hell are you hiding in my basement? If you're trying out an ambush, it's not working.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Wei Yan, *********vomit specks***

**Sorry, but... the script doesn't let you defect to Wei.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Wei Yan, *********vomit specks***

**There's a script. We all have scripts we have to follow. I know you hate Zhuge Liang, but we can't change your faction just like that. There's all this paperwork... and... yeah...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**I have a problem. I'm continuously puking my stomach contents out. By this rate I'll puke out my organs.**

**Sima Yi**

***vomit covering the bottom* (Why do I keep dropping them?!)**

* * *

**Wei Yan, *vomit specks***

**You're in the basement and right now my wife and son and I are puking out our stomachs and cannot stop, so yeeeeah... some puke my drip down there...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu, **

**I can't go to a meeting like this! I'm puking a pool here!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well, not exactly. Trust me, my reaction to those fanfictions were worse than this.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**KAGURA!**

**I NEED YOU TO REVERSE ALL OF THIS BY NEVER LETTING ME SEE THAT MOVIE!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Please! I'm begging you! There's no other choice!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Orochi's soul? Yeah, yeah. I'll give you that, just stop this hell!**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Thank you! Now about that deal...**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**I don't know... It's very hard to get... How about when the time comes, I can capture it for you? **

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**...Um... Next yeeeeeear...?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Would this box of cookies help change your mind?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Oh, really...? How can cookies go out of style? Mooncakes, huh?**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Uhhhh... Okay! When I find him, I'll give you the soul.**

**Sima Yi **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Yeah, take all the damn cookies. I need to make room for a new type of bribe.**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I thought you didn't want any before.**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Wow, gee. Thanks for totally useless info. Liu Bei has an unhealthy obsession with green.**

**Sima Yi**

* * *

**Dear Xu Huang,**

**Let me give you a brief description on how these offices are organized: Your office to right next to mine. My office is right next to yours. I can hear every single noise that comes out of these walls. I can hear noises that are associated with sex coming out from there. Shut the fuck up in there or I'll blow up your office during your whoopie sessions.**

**Sima Yi**

**P.S: I didn't know NPC's could get laid.**

* * *

**Xu Huang,**

**Wait... You were here that night three weeks ago...? Uhhhh... (Damn, I thought no one had a overtime shift expect me!)**

* * *

**Xu Huang,**

**(Damn NPC has dirt on me.) Fine, fine. I won't criticize you if you don't criticize me. Mooncake to shut up about that night?**

* * *

**Xu Huang,**

**Well, these walls are thinner than Diao Chan's dress, so I assume you heard everything that happened. Look, my sons were in the house, and it sort of kills the mood for me to be doing it in a place where my "results of the deed" are residing in. **

* * *

**Xu Huang,**

**WHO ELSE WOULD I BE HAVING INTERCOURSE WITH? HELLO? WERE YOU BORN YESTERDAY?**

* * *

**Xu Huang,**

**Wang Yi has PTSD, I don't think that will ever work out. I prefer a woman that's stable. **

* * *

**Xu Huang,**

**Wang Yi's crazy in a bad way, Chunhua's crazy in decent but not good way. There's a difference. **

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**You got your wish. Now where's my payment?**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**Well, duh! I don't these wishes for free! I'm like a human Satan but better looking!**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**I accept credit, debt, souls, gold or something of equal value to all of those. But souls would be best.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**Your brother's soul? Ooh, bold. Are you sure to go through with this transaction? And... um... which one?**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**Guan Suo?! He's the one I don't want! His soul is worth nothing since he's fake!**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**I don't eat souls! (They taste like coppery meat, but they don't make you full, so I don't eat them as much.) I use them as an energy source.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**I don't eat them! What I meant by that is that it powers me to perform spells. But they don't go into my mouth.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**Guan Xing...? Hmm... Sure, why not? **

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**Your daughter asked, and I gave. **

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**Reversing this would require another soul or 5,000 gold. I also take credit and debt too.**

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**Okay, you gave me 5,000 gold. I'll remove the spell now.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**Well, do you have a better offer?**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**Ooh, Guan Ping? (His soul will allow me to perform the spells that normally kill the caster if done wrong!) Deal!**

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**Well, can you beat Guan Ping's soul?**

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**Don't give me Guan Suo. That's the equivalent of giving me nothing.**

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**Zhuge Liang's soul? Ooh, really? (I will be invincible if I get his soul!) The question is: CAN you get it? He's the hardest soul to obtain since he has a Heaven Seal on him.**

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**I have your two sons' souls right now, and I will give them back along with switching your daughter back for Zhuge Liang's soul.**

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**Good luck on that.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Okay, that'll be a soul. Will that be a Shu, Wu, or a Wei soul? Jin souls are forbidden.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Then your soul would do perfect. Your icy heart can power my refrigerator. **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Look, this request is rather pricy and is worth at least a good powerful soul. Becoming emperor requires me to submit paperwork along with the payment soul in order for you to be an official emperor. Just putting on the clothes and hat don't make you emperor in Heaven's eyes.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I'm a spokesperson for Hell, but sometimes Heaven. So, who's dying today?**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Dian Wei? Cao Cao will kill me if I take him. **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Li Dian...? He's... not okay with Heaven, unfortunately.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Sun Quan. Okay, you have to fetch it for me then.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I have that ability if that soul is related to the customer. I require the soul to be brought to me if that person is not related or in someway to the customer.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Cao Zhi? According to my soul calculator, he's worth nothing.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Cao Zhang... He's worth only a little, sorry.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I can't take my own soul, dumbass. **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**What about Zhen Ji? She's worth a lot according to my soul calculator.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**You want to be emperor, no?**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Your concubine has lesser value than a crippled horse.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Your pets have no value.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Call me when you have a better offer. Sitting here listening to you trying to find someone to give to me is boring me to death.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Jin souls are forbidden.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Well, you can get me Sun Quan's soul or Lu Xun's soul. (They can power my stove.)**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Good luck on that.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I am not scamming these (suckers) people! Come on! It's that I should get compensation for all my work I do for everyone here. **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Yeah, I know I can't make Cao Pi emperor. I just said that to make him fetch a soul for me. Heaven is not that stupid enough to let him be emperor anyway. (Sucker!)**

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**I didn't want Zhuge Liang's head! His soul! And your lord will be pissed once he finds out you killed him. Huff... I'll try to take his soul out of the head then...**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**I have Zhuge Liang's head and when I tried to extract his soul, the soul fought back and is now a spirit of a vengeful Zhuge Liang. I'm trying to contain him and I need one of your special containers.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Just stand still! **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Even when dead, you annoy me!**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Guan Yu's soul in return of reviving you... Nah. But what you can do is get his soul for me. **

* * *

**Zhuge LIang,**

**Then no deal. You're staying dead and get into the jar!**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Then I have to consume you.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**No, literally. My power is from souls, so I sometimes consume them like if they were food though they taste awful depending on the soul.**

* * *

**Zhuge LIang,**

**Hmph, you taste like lychee candy. (I'm making this seem really gay...)**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Stop moving!**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I am not letting you leave this place since you know my dark secret!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I contained the soul! **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**...I used it.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I feel power flowing through my veins. **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I'm stuck in my Strikeforce form after I used (ate) the soul. I am now an advanced being above all here and I can float.**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**We can conquer Shu and Wu noooooooow! I'm ready! Let's go! I want to kill things!**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Shut up, I'm more powerful than you. Don't test me unless you want to become ash. **

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Your friend's now ash because he questioned my power.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**The time has come that Shu must fall!**

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**Your wish will be granted since you gave me Zhuge Liang's soul.**

* * *

**Guan Yu,**

**HAHAHAHAHAHA! Too late! No refunds! Your last line of defense is down!**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**Such an inconvenient time to be losing those muscles, huh? Right when Wei is invading Shu.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

***sarcasm* Sure, charge into the man with glowing eyes. That'll do something. Hahahaha!**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**No effect! HAHAHAHA- (Wait, what's going on with my stomach...? Ugh... ARGH!)**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**MEDIC! I need a medic!**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Xun Yu doesn't count as a medic! Oh, fine!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**The girl punched my stomach and now something's going on inside of me!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Cut me open?! Can you just make me puke or something- (ARGH! I FEEL SOMETHING CLAWING AT ME!)**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

***blood splatters***

**...Um... Why is a spirit in my stomach...? I'm possessed! Perform an exorcism! (Damn, I hate it when my food fights.)**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**YOU TORE MY BODY APART! YOU BASTARD! **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang, **

**That doesn't mean you "that infamous Alien scene" me! **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Seal Zhuge Liang up and stitch my body back together!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You better not remove any parts from me!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**"Professional" my ass! I read your file and it said you failed medical school as well!**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Okay, I'm back. And I have a special item for Liu Bei.**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**This jar holds the soul of Zhuge Liang, give up your country for him or he dies. **

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**Okay, look at me. (Aaaaah! I'm holding the soul over my mouth!)**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**You're a blob of soul now. You have no body, so you can't fight me anymore. Haha!**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**I'm going to eat the soul! I'm not bluffing!**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**I'm going to do it!**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**I'll do it if you refuse!**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**Okay! (Here we go!)**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**I'm chewing it! I hear his screams of agony as I chew this lychee candy soul!**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**I gave you a choice, now your precious Zhuge Liang is being eaten! Mwahahahaha!**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**What? No,no,no,no! Ugh... No... Forget it...**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Forget it. Let's just go back home.**


	32. Talking fridges and stoves

**Zhen Ji,**

***Sima Yi is denying the soul eating thing since no one actually knows about his actual use of the souls.***

**Who ever told you I eat souls is a liar. I don't eat souls, I just use their energy without actually putting it my mouth. But I can offer you a deal for Cao Pi's soul though. (Really? Aren't you head over heels for him? I just find it weird that... Ah, I can always use a snack.) Cao Pi's soul for little (women sex) playdates with Wang Yi. Sound good? Just cut your finger and drop some blood onto Cao Pi and the ritual will be complete.**

* * *

**Chong Wei,**

**I want to know how in the world you know my birthday. Are you stalking me? Is Cao Cao just giving out my personal info like it were candy?**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I didn't know you actually remembered. I tend to forget since I'm too old to be having birthdays.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Even though I can't die, I prefer not to be reminded of my age.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**You're 66. Then again, you're not allowed to die either.**

* * *

** Cao Cao, **

**Oh well, you put so much work into making the whole thing, it's only right I go.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, you have something for me? Is it sex? **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Because you're awful at gifts when it comes to me. Sex is free anyway, so you don't need to purchase a materialistic item. (You gave me these things: a hat, robes, rings, a whip, and- Actually, she gave me my whole outfit.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oooh, a sword! Wait, has this been used...? This tops all of your other gifts to me. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Hey! This sword was from my weapons closet! I recognize its shape and rust detail! It was the one I used when I was barely added to the series! (Then I got a fan to look like a pathetic Zhuge Liang rip-off.) **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You can give up. You don't need to give me anything. Unless you're considering sex.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Awwwww... Really? Can you at least have women sex with Wang Yi? (while I watch.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, you're no fun.**

* * *

***Sima Yi just took a bite of his new soul***

**(UUUUURRRRAAAAGH! CAO PI'S SOUL TASTES LIKE PISS! LITERAL. PISS! ARGH! THE WORST PART IS THAT IT IS TONGUE-NUMBING COLD! Maybe this isn't for eating, but for energy.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, you are like a mosquito. You suck up people's blood which we're going to use as a metaphor for life, and then move onto the next host to do the same. It's no surprise my Strikeforce form attracts you.**

* * *

***imprint of face on paper***

**Xiao Qiao,**

**I really don't care. And I dislike little girls. Now bye, I have work to do.**

* * *

** Zhao,**

**Oh yeah, Jia Chong's still ash. Well? What do you have to offer for your friend to be revived?**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I am shocked on how you just attempted to offer your mother to me. Even if I wanted to, I can't take it since a very strong seal is on her soul similar to Zhuge Liang's. **

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Not Shi either. Maybe you can sacrifice yourself?**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I thought so. Emo Failure's not even worth your own soul, so there's no reason to be reviving him.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Cao Mao...? He's worth nothing. **

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Well, you've got to figure something out. In the meantime, I'm going to power up the refrigerator. **

* * *

** Shi,**

**Huh? The refrigerator just spoke? Are you on something? Shi, do you not know drugs are not the answer?**

* * *

**The goddamn refrigerator,**

**Your voice sounds familiar... **

* * *

**Cao Refrigerator,**

**Oh my, you gave my refrigerator a personality. Oh well, give me my ice cream.**

* * *

**Cao Refrigerator,**

**OW! Don't shut the door on my fingers! Damn, you control it too... I guess powerful souls are capable of doing that.**

* * *

**Cao Refrigator,**

**How can I call an appliance Pi? It would never work. Oh well, I'll make a new pun then.**

* * *

**Cao Fridge, **

**There. Now cough up my ice cream.**

* * *

**Cao Fridge,**

**It's not like you're going to eat it. You're an appliance. You work.**

* * *

**Cao Fridge,**

**I'm sorry, whoever offered me your soul will not be named for obvious reasons.**

* * *

**Cao Fridge,**

**Huff... If I can't get my ice cream, I'll just eat these mooncakes. It's been a while since I needed to bribe someone anyway.**

* * *

** Cao Fridge,**

**You have no mouth, so what's the point of giving you one?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh? What would it take for you to have me turn back into that glowing form?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Is it sex? You owe me anyway.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Finally! **

* * *

***soot covering the paper***

**Chunhua,**

**Whoa, didn't know I could do that. (Every single limb I have shoot lasers!)**

* * *

***the paper's covered in soot***

**Dear Shi and Zhao,**

**I accidentally blew up your rooms. How? ...It's a secret...**

* * *

***paper in soot***

**Lu Bu,**

**Oooooohhhh... Uh... uhhhh... I accidentally shot a large beam of light towards the east... How...? Um... Hard to explain... Sorry about the third of your house...**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**Oh my god, the laser went that far? I'm certainly not fixing that palace unless you have some kind of payment. Gold or souls.**

* * *

**Gan Ning,**

**I really don't care about that laser destroying your entire stash of dirty photos of Lian Shi and Sun Shang Xiang. What are the odds?**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**Oh. The laser got Lu Xun with it? Whoa... (I can claim his soul now.)**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**The laser blew off some land off Wu and now they became islands?! Nu Wa, I think I over did it... (Zhuge Liang's soul is very damn powerful... I love it! Er... not him... his soul that's giving me the power.)**

* * *

**Cao Fridge**

**Oh my god, you heard everything?! **

* * *

**Cao Fridge,**

**I can just remove your soul from this and attach you to a dog if you continue to sass me.**

* * *

***Sima Yi just took a bite of out of Lu Xun's soul***

**(Huh, tastes like... AAAAH! AH! AH! HOT! HOT! HOT! THIS SOUL'S SPICY AS FUCK! I am not eating this anymore! I'll just use him for the stove!)**

* * *

**Lu Stove,**

**Oh, you can make this talk too, huh? Oh well, make friends with the fridge.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Oh, that? Nothing. I just had a little... "release."**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Oh, you figured that out? (I shouldn't be having intercourse in this form then...)**

* * *

**Cao Fridge and Lu Stove,**

**Shut up! I can't sleep with your two's constant talking!**

* * *

**Cao Fridge and Lu Stove,**

**WHAT WAS THAT?! (Oh yeah, Cao Fridge must have told him about that...)**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**It's like 3 in the morning! And why do you want Jiang Wei back? He's like Liu Shan with Tourette's! You're better of letting your generic son be Zhuge Liang's successor. (I guess she doesn't know about me eating Zhuge Liang's soul...)**


	33. Eating so much candy

**Dear Chunhua,**

**I heard you had sex with Wang Yi? How was it? Give me every single detail. Hello? Answer. *long ink streak* **

**(I'm boiling here and it's only 71 degrees outside.)**

***half of the paper is soaked in blood* **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I don't have a wound, it's just that I had a volcano erupt in my nose.**

* * *

**Chunhua, **

**Why did you stop describing this? Continue. I'm listening. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Come on! **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm not that perverted. I just need a little... "boost" in my sexual arousement.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. You know, I'm a lot nicer when I'm like this. You should take advantage of this.**

* * *

**Shi, **

**You forget your name? You wrote Zhao instead of your own name. And it's obvious any bulky man is capable of beating me up since, well, my body's rather thin. (I could beat up Xun Yu and Guo Jia though.)**

* * *

**Chong Wei,**

**(What envoy brochure?) I don't feel like it because we all know how's this supposed to end. I kick everyone's sorry ass and they all go home depressed while I laugh at them. (I'll just create a portal to watch the whole thing.)**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**People are missing? That is the most unusual.**

* * *

**Pang Tong,**

**(Oh, you're alive?) Zhuge Liang... uh... Mm-hm?**

* * *

**Fa Zheng,**

**Oh, you're happy he's gone. Well, you're welcome.**

* * *

**Deng Ai,**

**Jia Chong's not there because... uh... He had diarrhea and couldn't attend. (Yeah, that's good enough.)**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**Lu Xun died from the giant laser, remember?**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**Oh, you noticed? Well, it might take a while for the server to reload Lu Xun's body into here. (He's my stove.)**

* * *

** Liu Bei,**

**So?**

* * *

**Liu Bei,**

**Xu Shu, smoo shoo. He barely has any screen time in Shu anyway. He's technically a Wei strategist when you think about it.**

* * *

**Zhong Hui,**

**Ugh, now what? You offering me Deng Ai's soul in order to let you win the- Yeah, not happening. I like Deng Ai, but not you. (Hmmm...)**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Why don't you offer Zhong Hui to me in exchange for Emo Failure? He's annoying everyone here and I think he is more useful as (a snack) an energy source for the TV.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I know he has a name, but I like the name I gave him instead.**

* * *

***Sima Yi just ate his new soul***

**(Tastes like lemony flowers... Maybe it was the hair product he was using.)**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Oh, boo-hoo yourself. I revived you and the contest is about to start, so get going.**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Why are you worried about the skinny rattail?**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**He thought he was too good for this contest and didn't bother to attend.**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Yes, that's what I'm doing. That's why I'm over here watching through a portal. (I AM too good for this.)**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Should we really care about the people Shu and Wu are missing? I mean, they're unimportant to us.**

* * *

**Fa Zheng,**

**Sacrifice Pang Tong in exchange for letting you win this thing? Why? Don't you like him?**

* * *

**Fa Zheng,**

**Oh sure, why not?**

* * *

***Sima Yi is eating the soul he just got***

**(Mmh, it's like a wine gummy. I'm feeling a little tipsy though...)**

* * *

***crooked writing***

**X un yu,**

**whaaa? i can cant her ya**

* * *

**xxxxxxxxxxxuuuuuuuun yyyuuuuuuuuuuu **

**this is a funny nam so fun to say xuuuu-ne youuuuuu**

* * *

**go ji berry, *Guo Jia***

**Wha wha i need u to tak loder **

* * *

**go ji berr**

**why ccant i see yu rigt i it lok like y hav har groing out of it **

* * *

**jerry lewis, *Jia Xu***

**i dont wanna shar ma drink wth u stupd asssssssssss**

* * *

**jerry lewis,**

**you cant touch this! I is ivcibl!**

* * *

**chihuahua, *Chunhua***

**let's bang**

* * *

**beeeeeeeitch, *Chunhua still***

**who hs the pen-nis here? i do! i dicide wheather or not i get sex not u! **

* * *

**womn, *Chunhua***

**whi u hav boobie if i cant toch em? frk u an uo mohe! let em tch em!**

* * *

**chinhu,**

**lets bang**

* * *

**chuubert, **

**if u wont gt on u bck the suc me dic**

* * *

***paper covered in drywall pieces***

**I-fergot-yu-nam**

**Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh! Whaaaaaaaa was thaaa foooooooooooor?**

* * *

**Zhuo u,**

**Yu wnt to giv mee lu so and lmeng? okay...**

* * *

***Sima Yi is eating his two new souls***

**(Ths ontastes lke shit anf the ohter tatesd like shit shit)**

* * *

**zho yu,**

**whaaaa? get outa herre! i no drun! **

* * *

**chubert,**

**what is ths? mo win? ohh mor liquid water**

* * *

**chubert,**

**for a btch, u ar- *long streak of ink***

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Nragh... what happened? Why is the wall destroyed? **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh really? Then sorry if I offended you in any way during my drunkness.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I tore your dress? Where?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, the back? (Aw, I wanted the front to be torn.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I don't think I drank... (Pang Tong was an alcoholic, so... oh no... But I can't tell her about that...) **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I must have drank some of Jia Xu's illegal stuff then. Oh well, I am going back to watch the contest.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I'm sober now. Sorry if I made any offensive comments to you, Guo Jia, or Jia Xu.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**So? Less competition then.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Look, it doesn't matter to us what happened to Shu and Wu's strategists. Why do you care?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Ah, who cares about Cao Pi? I bet none of us miss him. (Argh, my stomach hurts...)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm lying in bed because... I want sex?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Nothing's wrong. I just want to sleep and/or have sex.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm a man, I think about either sex or food. For me, it's sex and killing idiots. (Oh my god! Something's churning in my stomach!)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Wait! You don't need to give me that medicine! I'm fine! I can punch myself in the stomach and still be okay! Look! (AAAAAARGH! I MADE IT WORSE!)**

* * *

***paper with specks of vomit***

**Chunhua,**

**Those glowing things...? Ah-heheheh... Um... candy?**

* * *

**Cao Fridge,**

**SHUT UP! **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**The fridge did not just talk.**

* * *

**Lu Stove,**

**YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Is your head messing with you? There is no way the stove is talking. And about those glowing things, it's the hot new thing with teenagers with these days: Eating glowing candy. (Those things are talking!)**

* * *

** Chunhua,**

**Maybe it's you that's going senile. You're hearing voices.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**(YOU KNOW WHAT THESE ARE?!) They are not souls! Why would they be in my stomach? That's not where souls go! You're silly! **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You wouldn't dare cutting open my stomach. You would just find half a mooncake along with this morning's breakfast.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Fine, they are souls.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**To be honest, they taste good when you get the correct one.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm pretty sure your soul would taste like rotten grapes and fish.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I make small deals and I claim souls in return. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I can't return them. This is permanent.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Just don't go around saying I eat souls. It's bad for my reputation and my business.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Yes, it is! Gold is a legitimate payment I accpet, but people seemed to always go for the soul payment. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh well, might as well tell you this. The fridge and stove have the souls of Cao Pi and Lu Xun in them.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Everytime you go near it, it hits you in the butt using its door...? (Well, I'm going to have a talk with that thing.) **

* * *

**Cao Fridge,**

**OW! You hit me in the groin! And I heard from my wife that you slapped/hit her ass everytime she goes near you?**

* * *

**Cao Fridge,**

**Here's a question, how can you see?**

* * *

**Cao Fridge,**

**Anyway, I am going to have to put you in something else.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I have his soul now, what should I do with it?**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Shut up, you have no say.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh fine, he's useful only in human form. My ice cream melted thanks to him.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Yeah, yeah, go back home.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**What happened to your leg?**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I bit it off? When? And you can see even in soul form?**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Okay, it's either 5,000 gold to fix it or a soul.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Wow, someone finally paid me in gold and not a soul. Okay, when you get back home, the leg will be back on.**

* * *

**Lu Xun,**

**Just go home. **

* * *

**Lu Xun,**

**I bit off your arm? When?**

* * *

**Lu Xun,**

**5,000 gold or a soul.**

* * *

**Lu Xun,**

**Thanks for your business. Go home and your arm will slowly regenerate.**

* * *

**"Dong Zhou,"**

**You cannot be alive! If this is truly you, I will take your soul! (Huh, I wonder what you taste like...)**

* * *

***Sima Yi took a bite of the Dong Zhou soul***

**(Tastes like chicken. Actually good chicken. So eating a fat person makes it taste good? I find that-GAH!)**

* * *

***crooked writing***

**Chunhua*the letters droop*,**

**Get a doctor*drooping*! My chest is really *drooping* really hurting! I think I'm having a heart attack or a stroke!**

* * *

**Xun Yu, (Why did you bring me to him?! He's probably going to kill me during the procedure!)**

**I might have ate a bad food.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Cut me open?! I'm not trusting YOU to open me up!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Where's Hua Tuo when you need him?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Oh right, he's dead.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You most certainly will not give me anesthesia! Who knows what you will attach to me after you're done with me-(GAH! My heart again!)**

* * *

***Sima Yi has anesthesia in him and is now having inner thoughts***

**(Ugh, he still did it. Now what? I'm staring into black. I bet he attached a third nipple to me or worse, removed my dick. what can I think about?)**

***Zhuge Liang's soul walks in the middle of the darkness***

**(AH! Why the hell are you in my thoughts?!)**

**I'm here because you ate me! YOU. F-ING. ATE. ME.**

**(Well, you're no longer fighting.)**

**You chewed me! I'm now a pasty mess that remains in your stomach until Xun Yu cuts me out!**

**(So that's what causing the indigestion. Anyway, your soul has given me infinite power.)**

**Oh, I heard. But is it enough?**

**(Ah, don't give me your wise old man mumbo-jumbo.)**

**You're older than me.**

**(You're the one here that looks like a kung-fu master.)**

**Oh, since my soul is in you, I saw your wife's breasts when you walked in on her changing.**

**(It's not walking in if the woman knows you have seen her body.)**

**Well, her chest is larger than Yue Ying's.**

**(Oh gee, thanks, General Obvious! I never noticed that!)**

**Wow, you're sassy even when unconscious.**

**(Yeah, yeah. When's this procedure done? I'm freaking bored.)**

**You should be happy I even came up here to talk to you!**

**(Want a fucking cookie for that? Forget it, I'm watching porn.)**

***a screen-like thing goes in front of Zhuge Liang to show pornagraphy***

**HEY! Don't you-Ooh... **

***He stares at the screen with porn***

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I checked my body, and everything's fine. Good job, I don't know why you failed medical school. **

* * *

** Xun Yu,**

**Goopy glowing paste...? Wait... (That's Zhuge Liang's soul!)**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**OooohhhAAAAARGH! You look awful! Chewing was a bad idea!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Long story. **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Since we're mutual haters of each other, your price is 20,000 gold or five souls to fix you up.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Fine, go home like that.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Jiang Wei? Oh yeah, him... OH MY GOD, I FORGOT ALL ABOUT JIANG WEI!**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Yeeeah... he's... dead. All I can do is get his skeleton and reanimate him. (Hell must have seared him up like a steak.) 20,000 gold or five souls to get his real body back.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I'm pretty sure you're capable of healing magic. Can't you do that?**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Huff... **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You can help Zhuge Liang out if you feel like it, I'm going home to sleep.**


	34. Balding

**Chong Wei,**

**Are you the new accountant here? Because we already have a guy for that. ME. I manage both Wei and Jin's finances because everyone is a lazy ass and Chunhua and Yuanji can't do it in Jin because it's "soooo obscene" for a woman to be doing finances. Not my words, a group of peons were making sexist jokes. Deng Ai and Guo Huai can't keep up since Zhong Hui buys expensive-ass products, Wen Yang requires everything custom-made for his size, Zhao impulse buys crap, Jia Chong buys emo crap, Guo Huai himself spends a lot to obtain ammunition, Xiahou Ba buys so much oil for that rocket thing (I should consider putting him his father's payroll.), Zhuge Dan spends a lot on hair goop and it all adds up.**

* * *

**Jia Chong,  
**

**Well, I don't see YOU doing the finances. You're the third highest spender also! (Behind Zhong Hui and Guo Huai because one likes fancy hair products and the other's ammunition costs an arm and a leg.) How about you do it since you think my wife is not good enough for the job?**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Wait a minute, why am I even listening to you? I can make whoever to do Jin's finances! I'M the boss here! You, Yuanji, and Chunhua will be doing finances with Deng Ai and Guo Huai then. Things will go faster this way.**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Why do you need to be on Zhao's side every frickin' minute? Yes, I know he'll drown in a bowl of soup without someone with him, but at least let him know what drowning is and what it feels like.**

* * *

**Chong Wei,**

**Okay, you can help out. Lifts some weight of my shoulders. (Wei spends a lot more since it's a bigger kingdom.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Just punch the robot. Always works when you get mad with me.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, suddenly you're applying to physics? What the hell happened? You read a science book?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm just pissed on how you're able to jam me into walls without a needed catalyst while here you are struggling with a tin can with a gun-I-hope-is-a-toy!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Thank you for proving me wrong. Now I'll go to give this scrap metal to Guo Huai since he knows what to do with these.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Okay, here's the thing. The only reason why a child is near his/her father's dick is that he/she's a little sperm cell coming out of there and into his/her mother's vagina. Any other reason is just plain wrong. GOT IT? **

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Ugh... I'll give another explanation. You came out of my dick, but that doesn't mean you can see or even touch it. If you did see it, you're either walking in on me while I am bathing or you are just plain disgusting. GOT THAT? I'm not like those Romans who decide it will be fun to fuck your own family.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I thought there was a no office romance policy. You're breaking your own rule.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I am not giving those homosexual couple-loving fangirls any satisfaction. Plus, I read your medical file. You have herpes and I do not want any part in that.**

* * *

**To every bastard in Wei who sent me a "let's bang" letter,**

**Unless you're born around 179 and have a vagina, I will not bang you. **

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**Ugh, you have herpes! I don't want that! (And I'm confused. Don't you love Cao Pi?) **

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**I'll call you when I want to spice up my marriage with a threesome. But until then, you can do Chunhua all you like without me in the picture. **

* * *

**Cai Wenji,**

**Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, that's not going to work... (You're older than me and I'm pretty sure Guo Jia or Yu Jin's going to get angry with me.)**

***It's true. She's two years older than Sima Yi.***

* * *

**To everyone in Jin,**

**Unless you have a vagina excluding my daughter-in-law, I will not bang you. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm surprised you even insisted, but okay. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You don't joke, so that letter was really you wanting to bang.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Who are the concubines again? I forgot, so you're substituting them. (I want sex and you're not stalling any longer!)**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Oh, not you too. I know you're new in Wei, but here's the thing. Rule number one, I know I'm a very handsome man *he's flattering himself*, but I don't want male attention. I may look feminine, but that's because I don't go out and fight and gain muscles. Same rule applies to you, except you were actually good-looking in history. **

***Xun Yu was gorgeous in history, based on accounts on him.***

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Ooh, you're up and running! I see Tourette's *Jiang Wei* over there is flesh now. I underestimated Shu's medical care.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Oh? Are you sure it is a good idea to attack when you just recovered? I'd hate to see your stitches reopen.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Suffer? How can I suffer? Name it, I already suffered through it. Sat with a woman on her time of the month? Several times. Had millions of paperwork? Everyday. Had seen childbirth? Yup. Had a papercut? Yup. Got shot by an arrow? Several times. Watched Zhen Ji give a strip show? Yup, and it was terrifying. **

* * *

***paper was extremely wrinkled with writing near illegible***

**ZHUGE LIANG,**

**WHAT DID YOU DO? ANSWER ME! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL HURT YOU. **

**(MY HAIR! MY GREATEST ASSET NEXT TO MY GOOD LOOKS! I'M BALD LIKE DIAN WEI NOW! Nrrgh... not bad, Zhuge Liang... not bad... BUT NOW WHAT? I WILL BE THE LAUGHING STOCK AND MY FAMILY WON'T LOOK AT ME IF THEY SEE ME LIKE THIS! I can't go to Xun Yu since it's very late and everyone's asleep... I'll have to break out my DW2 hat.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I want to sleep with my hat on. Is that so much to ask?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I don't feel uncomfortable. What makes you say that?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Ah, just go to sleep.**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Do you have any hair growth medicine or spells? Oh... uh... Shi shaved Zhao's hair and is pissed off, so I have to get some.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Just give me some.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I'll pay yoooou!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**(Argh, money has no value with you...) Come on! I need it!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**What infamous hair?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Those strands? Yes, those don't stay in every time I swipe my hair back.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I tucked them back. Now give me a spell or medicine!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Yes, I'm bald... Your judgement's correct like always...**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well, if I did show my current head, my reputation will hit the rocks along with my sex life.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Zhuge Liang was pissed when I... chewed up... his... fan...?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I ate him as a soul. **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

***lying* I was hungry! Can you regrow my hair?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Can't you just smear special lotion instead of me lying on an operating table?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**HE WHAT? (He removed every single hair follicle in my head?! I am so making sure he dies next time!) Oh fine, I will go through with this surgery.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You did it, but one thing... My hair's not brown, it's black.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**No, I look like Chunhua and Zhao now. Shi's out there like a black sheep. (Literally since his hair's black.) He'll look like a mutation or an illegitimate child now. (That's Zhao's place anyway!)**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Dyeing doesn't make it black! I'm a natural black, not a wannabe black!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Yes, another procedure.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**My hair's too short. (I look like Xu Shu with self-esteem.) **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, I'll take the medicine for my hair to grow faster.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I cut my hair. What's wrong with that?**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Yes, I did something new with my hair. I'm glad you noticed.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Don't you laugh at me. Your hair's no better.**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**I passed by your office and I heard Chunhua saying she hated my hair! What else did she say?**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**I 'outa smack the fruit out of you if you don't tell me.**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**(Oh yeah, he can kick my ass with one hand...) Sorry, I'm just very curious about my wife's condition, that's all.**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**You're very dedicated to your job. Even though it's not your job.**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**It's not a "kidnapping" if the "kidnappee" voluntarily went to the "kidnapper".**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**What I want to know is why your nephew became your niece. And Chunhua doesn't want to become me, so she stays away from minors when it comes to intimate relationships with women.**

**P.S: Uh, that didn't come out right. I didn't molest her or did anything like that, but she just doesn't want to be in my position back then. It's waiting years for her to become legal.**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**She can't do men since everyone's too old for her and it will just make her think she's doing her father.**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**I don't consider it cheating if the two cheaters are the same sex. Nothing went in, so you're still technically clean. Well, for men, something did go in, but you get the idea.**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Xiahou Ba wanted to look at Chunhua's chest for an hour. I'm serious, I saw him/her staring constantly under the disguise of wanting to learn knitting from Chunhua even though she only knows a little bit. Of course, she figured it out, and kicked him/her out.**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Did you reach for the gender-swap spell again? Why was Xiahou Ba female? **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**That's a load of bullshit.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well, I don't hear anyone but him complaining, so I guess I won't need to bother.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I am looking for you, you can hide, but you cannot run from me. You messed with my hair, and you now pay the price.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Here's the difference between Zhong Hui and I when it comes to this kind of situation: He goes to be a little bitch. I settle it like a man.**

* * *

**Sima Yi,**

**Emphasis on "man". ****  
**

**Zhuge Liang**

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Well, you earned yourself another stab/hit.**

* * *

***cutscene of Sima Yi storming into a tent and you see him beating up Zhuge Liang and they create the cartoon fighting cloud.***

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Yeah, doesn't feel good, huh? How about I snip your beard and hair off?**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**You didn't cause this? HA! Nice try!**

* * *

**Sima Yi,**

**Trust me, I wish I did it, but I didn't. I was planning to... nah, that's later. Anyway, nice hair. Trying to be Xu Shu with self-esteem?**

**Zhuge Liang**

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I thought of that comparison myself. But... then who did this to me?**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Well, everyone.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I trapped Cao Pi and Lu Xun in kitchen appliances.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**So this was all for nothing? Oh well. (Cao Pi's getting ice up his ass for this-no, maybe if I give him some new "shampoo".)**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

***attached is a bottle with hair remover disguised as shampoo* **

**Yeah, yeah. I look like Xu Shu with self-esteem. I already came to that conclusion. Anyway, I heard this was your brand of shampoo and thought I'd give you it as compensation for me trapping you in a fridge.**

* * *

**Zhang He and Zhen Ji,**

**No, those clothes don't make you two look fat. You two can't get fat anyway.**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Can you tell me why you dislike my current hair?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**My hair was NOT the only good thing I had! There's my face, my technique on the battlefield, my technique in bed, my laugh, and a lot more besides my hair!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**They say a man with a good laugh is attractive.**

* * *

**Sima Yi,**

**Evil laughs don't count.**

**Zhang Chunhua**

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, they count!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**My hair strands are not for you to hold on to like if they were reins! What am I, a horse? **

* * *

**Sima Yi,**

**Actually, your name means "horse". Sooooo...**

**Zhang Chunhua**

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, don't you bring up that! **

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**Oh my god, Cao Pi's balding? I knew he was smoking meth. (I've got to get a painting to send to Sun Quan.)**


	35. Jiang Ji could be the Roman Belic for Yi

**Jiang Ji,**

**Are you high? I know you're a pretty happy man, but... there is no way someone can be this positive during time of war.**

* * *

**Chong Wei, **

**(And the winner for "Most uncreative name" goes to...) Wei Jin...? His parents must have been crack addicts. **

* * *

**Jiang Ji, **

**Wait, I though you were pissed about-Nevermind that. Sure, why not? **

**(It's better spending time with Xun Yu, Guo Jia, or Jia Xu. All four of us are like magnets. When one of us does at least something, he either repels or attracts the other three. Either in a positive or negative way.)**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**You're spilling the tea. **

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Again? (His eyes are going somewhere.)**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Okay, please stop staring at my head. **

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**I look like Xu Huang...? Well, that's a first. (I didn't know that guy had hair. And this medicine's taking a while to take effect...)**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Stop spilling 500 gold's worth of tea! (Wait, he's looking at something else...)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I suggest stop serving us. He's spilling tea everywhere and I don't want you to be constantly getting up and going back to make a new batch. I'll do it.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Yeah, right. You were looking at the "Himalayas". **

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**We're not talking about Lian Shi. (Though Himalayas does best describe her.)**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**I did tell her many many many times to cover that area up, but she always seems to forget about it. **

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Why did she kick him/her out? I told you, she's not into minors.**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Chunhua goes both ways, if you catch my drift. If Ba were to be a little older, she might have... done that... But overall, she is mostly into men.**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**How do I know? Well, it's a funny story. One day I put on my DW6 robes because Zhao ruined my other two robes when it was his turn to do the laundry. You know how much I looked like a woman from behind? Yeah, she approached me and did a lot of flirting until she told me to come into her chambers. After I showed my face to her, she had a look mixed with disappointment and embarrassment. That was when I figured her out.**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Well, I look like both sexes, so I guess it's a win-win for her. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***no empathy* Oh no, I thought I had a peace treaty with them. They now kidnapped Yuanji... *absolutely no empathy* You know she's dead, right?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**This never ends well. So let's find another girl to be Zhao's wife, shall we?**

* * *

***imprint of a face that is almost fully visible***

**Chunhua,**

**(OW.) Okay, okay, I'll just ask Xun Yu to summon a demon that can take off their dicks and protect Yuanji's virginity. Even though it was already taken before by Zhao. That's why we have Yan here.**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu, **

**Now you can finally put your removing dicks fetish to use here. Do it to the Romans that took Yuanji. You know what? Take them all off. I don't want these people reproducing.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I am not racist! Would you want a society where it's okay to do your sister?**

* * *

**Xun Yu, **

**Call me whatever, just call up the demons that like taking dicks off.**

* * *

**XUN YU,**

**WHERE'S MY DICK? YOU FORGOT TO TELL THEM TO NOT REMOVE MINE.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**How should I know what my thingy looks like? Do you expect me to go "pick a dick" out of that dick portal?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I don't look at my thing! Who does?! Only people who have STD's look at their things! **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Can't you just stick my thing back on?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I don't want to get stuck with a random dick! I want mine and mine only! And I'm making this sound really gay...**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Find someone who knows what my thing looks like... Yeeeeeeeeeeeah... Uh... **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**(My wife would have to... look at many...) Look, no one should go through that. Even the worst of people.**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**You can save Yuanji now! Just hurry back!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You can put back everyone's things now. You should have a "undo all" button on you.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, I have my thing back. **

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T WANT TO GO FUCKING BOWLING!**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**No, not a strip club either.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**NO BOWLING.**


	36. She swore!

***this letter was sent to Zhang Chunhua every time she swore***

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Language. Put a gold coin in the swear jar.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I'm confiscating that. (Cool, how many things can I kill with that... gunblade?)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Language. Gold coin in the swear jar.**

***this gets repeated for 20 times***

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Women shouldn't have those words come out of their mouth, let alone in their vocabulary. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Men can swear because they're already dirty and impure. Women are supposed to be pure and clean like a baby's bottom.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I meant it as a metaphor!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Fine, snow since babies poop a lot.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, you can say "fudge", "shift", "carp", (Zhuge) "Dan", "cut" and "beach".**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

** Well, you look like a little girl, might as well cleanse that potty-mouth.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***actually surprised* Oh. My. GOD! You're 32?! How come I didn't know this?! I thought you were 25, tops! (I can't say she's old since I'M old.) What else are you hiding from me and your character profile?! **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm 42.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***he got the same reaction from her* YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT LIKE THAT! At least you could be more discreet about me being old enough to be your father! God! I thought being discreet was your thing!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I don't think I would even let you near my dog. And I don't have one.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Why do you want to speak with Chunhua? And I find this interaction very very weird and unlikely.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**If it is something I am thinking of, you're dead. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What's that smell...? Did someone die and burn in Hell and then came back? Did Zhao use the stove? Why did you let Zhao use the stove?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**(Ugh, it's worse in here!) Why does your workshop reek of dead kittens and Zhao's "special rice"?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What are you two keeping from me?! (If it's an affair, I am seriously going to question/judge your awful taste in men. Excluding me since you're stuck with me.)**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**The palace is burning...? Oh! I'll be right over!**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Remember that time you made an ice castle to protect yourself against Ma Chao? Yeah, just think about that time in order to forget I just turned your palace into an ice sculpture.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**What were you doing?!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Experiment...? Oh, do tell me all about it.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I was gone for twenty minutes. What do I see? The house looking like Zhao's rice.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**If Zhao did this, why didn't you stop him?! **

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Now when you pick up a jar of something from the kitchen, it's most likely inedible since this is your mother we're talking about. You do not stick random things in your mouth without making sure it is edible! Have you no common sense?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You were making what now?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**YOU WERE MAKING METH?! WHY?!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**If you wanted to kill off the demons, maybe try... I don't know... EXORCISING THEM?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**What did you make Chunhua make that caused my house to look like the chicken that Cao Pi once tried to cook?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**SHE WAS MAKING METH?! WHY?! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?! Damn it, Xun Yu! I hope you become a wreck in Empires!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Meth is not easy no matter how much you look at it!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**May I ask WHY did you listen to Xun Yu? Besides him being very very convincing despite looking like a dork.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**(I do not look like a dork! Not by Xun Yu standards!) You forgot what you were doing? What?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**She doesn't remember doing that stuff...-Oh, you bastard.**

* * *

**Dear Cao Pi,**

**Here's your first patient, "Doc". *he's referring to Cao Pi's DLC costume in DW8* Go and play doctor with him.**

***blood splatter and an indent of someone's head***

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Who again? Xun Yu was a generic, remember? **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I'm the controller! Not you! I was the puppet master here before all you bastards were even out of generic hell! **

**Sima Yi,**

**You sound like an alternative/rejected commercial slogan for the Kinect. **

**Xun Yu**

***You know those Microsoft Kinect commercials that say "You are the controller"? Yeah, that's the joke Yu here is making***

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Get smart with me and that baby rattle will puncture your brain. The sharp end.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Of course I was angry with you drugging Chunhua, but this was (obviously) much more important. There is only one master manipulator here! Me! Not you! Not Jia Chong! Not Fa Zheng! Not Jia Xu! Not Zhuge Liang! Not anyone! Me! **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I wish to pull the cord on you, but Cao Pi still wants to pretend he's a "legitimate doctor", so I'll let him kill you.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Now, I didn't get a letter from to go meet over there. I require a letter in order from to even enter the palace.**

* * *

**Li Dian,**

**She was already dead. And I don't feel anything.**

* * *

**Li Dian,**

**If I did feel things, I would not be the man that you owe all of your victories to. (The only things I can feel are anger, disappointment, and whatever feeling goes on "down there" when you get sexually aroused.) **

* * *

**Li Dian,**

**Oh? Yue Jin is not with you? You do not need my permission to take my son out to drink. He's not my daughter, he's... his mother's son. So do what you want.**

* * *

**Xu Shu,**

**How did you escape from the Roman prison...? You don't look like the "escaping" type, but the "I'm going to curl up here and slowly die in here" type.**

* * *

**Xu Shu,**

***crooked since he's laughing his ass off***

**Y ou... pi cke d the loc...k? Oh, I wonder... wh er e you got that sk ill from...Oh, I can't hold it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right! You can't even pick out your own clothes and hair! What makes you think I believe you when you say you picked the prison lock? **

* * *

**Xu Shu,**

**I thought so. Pang Tong helped you by blowing up the prison. (Why didn't you die in the blast?)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**There are millions of fish in the sea. Losing one fish is barely worth crying over.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**It depends. What would your mother die of?**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Illness, probably be a little sad. Suicide, would not care one bit. Poisoned, maybe depending how she suffered. Strangled, I would feel rather upset she had to die in such a gruesome death. Blown up, same as her being strangled. But these are very very unlikely, excluding the illness one. Everyone has a chance of dying of illness.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**What are you willing to give me for Yuanji's revival?**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Just because you're my son doesn't mean you get freebies. Everyone pays.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Your mother is the only one who doesn't pay me since she's so bad with giving gifts to me, I don't want anything from her except sex. **

**(****All she has ever given me were this box of shells that exploded in my face *grenades*, "fancy" tea that tasted like pure piss, a whip It does get used. But by her most of the time anyway..., another box of shells that exploded in my face, then on my 30th birthday, she gave me another box that had candy in it, but I got paranoid and tossed it thinking it was the exploding shells, she was pissed, of course, and a sword. But she took that from my weapons closet and regifted it to me, so it doesn't count.) **

* * *

**Father,**

**WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THAT IMAGE?!**

**Your son**

**Zhao,**

**I'm not going to sugarcoat the fact your mother and I have created you through sexual reproduction. (And I liked it! So tough luck, boy!) You didn't come by stork. Seriously, that is a stupid lie to tell to your children. A bird cannot give you a child unless you somehow mated with one. (Wait, is that possible? If so, that's... ewww...)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Please, your money is technically my money. You would be just giving me my own money back.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**An "I love you" is worth shit to me.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Jia Chong? You begged me to revive him before! Now you want him dead again? (Ugh, I bet he tastes like licorice. I hate licorice.)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**How about you actually working for once in your (miserable) life?**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Okay, I'll perform the ritual now.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Normally you would be talking like you ate a dictionary for breakfast, but these days your vocabulary is being reduced. Feeling lazy, aren't you?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**That's because my tongue will get tied around like how your wires do with me if I continue to talk like that.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I don't know, you sound weird when you're talking informally. At least I can change my voice to fit the formality, but for you... It's like trying to jam a square into a circle. It just doesn't fit unless you cut the corners.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**You happy now? Now go fetch me a sand-(No. Don't send me food.) -wich for your mother. **

* * *

**Zhao,**

**You heard me! That was the deal in exchange for Yuanji to have a body back!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Don't say that out loud! That's my job to say it tastes like shit! You have to make faces based on how you feel about that sandwich Zhao made. **

* * *

**Sima Yi,**

**But it does taste like shit.**

**Zhang Chunhua**

**Chunhua,**

**Well, at least give him pointers while I yell at him for not having the common sense for making a very simple edible device my grandson could do in his sleep. Also, gold coin in the swear jar.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Ah, just kidding. You had thirty of years of crap going on around you, I suppose you deserve to let out a few swears out.**


	37. ugh, mpreg

**Jia Chong,**

***giant tea stain Yi has spit onto the paper***

**I am very very very confused. You what and he what and you are what?**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Do you need me to give you preliminary school sex education?! There is no way a man could get pregnant no matter how hard you jam up a penis up there! (Unless Kagura decided to play a really messed-up joke.)**

* * *

**Dear Kagura,**

**Did you make Emo Failure have a uterus?**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**I know, this man is claiming to be pregnant, but I think his emo side is showing though.**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Are you sure your magic buddies didn't do this?**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Now where can I reach Zuo Ci? I doubt he uses telegrams.**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Okay, I'll let you try to ask him.**

* * *

**Kagura,**

**Well, thank you for your "time". (Well, Zuo Ci didn't do it.)**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Why are you even married to Yuanji? Jia Chong here said you two touched willies, so I might as well break off your marriage and give her to Shi. ****Yuanji's kindness would not go to waste if I send her to be with him. (And I have a perfect reason to disown you and cut you out of my will.) **

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Oh? Then why was Emo Failure saying you two jammed rods up your bums and now for some reason a fetus is growing in his womb?**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I hope you're telling the truth here.**

* * *

**Dear Jia Chong,**

**I thought you were homosexual for dead things, not big idiot buffoons.**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Huh? You just sent me a letter that said you were pregnant!**

* * *

**Lord Sima Yi,**

**You do know men cannot bear children? Do I need to give you preliminary school sex education?**

**Jia Chong**

**Jia Chong,**

**(I 'oughta... I just-I just fucking said that!) Then tell me about this letter! **

***attached was the "Jia Chong was pregnant" letter***

* * *

**Lord Sima Yi,**

**This is not how I write. There are missing periods and there are run-on sentences along with a couple of misspelled words. **

**Jia Chong**

**Jia Chong,**

**Oh, since when did you become a grammar aficionado?**

**Lord Sima Yi,**

**You're not?**

**Jia Chong**

**Jia Chong,**

**That's not the point! I want to know if you slept with my son and now have a bun in the oven.**

**Lord Sima Yi,**

**UGH! NO! UGH! HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT?! UGH! I have standards, you know! And I use intestines as my garden hose! Ugh! I've got to hit rock bottom to be... uuggggguhhh...**

***vomit stain***

***imagine him saying this in a sassy voice* You na-sty.**

**Jia Chong**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**No,no,no,no! I got this letter from you and... (Great, I now look like I have something wrong with me.)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Well, you were telling the truth after all. The question is who wrote this?**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Huh? You have an idea? That's a first.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Okaaaaaay, I'll see about this.**

* * *

**Dear Bao Sanniang,**

**Keep your homo stories in Shu. I don't want that shit here. And you need a lesson on the male and female bodies. MEN. DON'T. HAVE. UTERI. MEN HAVE DICKS. THEY USE DICKS TO PLANT SEEDS INTO UTERI. THAT ARE IN WOMEN. AND ONLY WOMEN.**

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**I am going to kill every cat there unless you get rid of that homosexual story of me and Cao Pi. And the Zhang He ones. And the Xiahou Dun ones. (This exists?!) And the Xu Huang ones. (WHAT? THIS EXISTS?! HE EXISTS?!) And the Zhuge Liang ones. ESPECIALLY THOSE. And the Zhao and Shi ones... (Uhggggggggggggggh...) **

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**Ugh, you're worse than those fangirls. I have this cat here and I will cut its foot off if you don't get rid of at least one. **

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**You will destroy every single one.**

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**I don't give two shits about your followers! Just because I work with a workforce made of mostly men excluding Wang Yi doesn't mean I have things for all of them! You do know women can't work in my line of work? (Excluding Wang Yi.) But for you, I could only assume you have soooooooooooooooo much free time since you are a totally useless little girl that gets in the way of Shu's progress. It's people like you that makes Wei superior. **

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**Oh? Why don't you cry about it, you little baby?**

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**Ha! Joke's on you! My wife's possibly homosexual! She won't enjoy that gay story of me and Cao Pi! **

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**Not lesbian women. They enjoy anything involving a women. And gay porn is not what they want!**

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**She's just converted to lesbian-ism! (I'm laughing at myself for even making this word up... Kmphhahaha!...)**

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**She has a nice ass and I do not want to lose that. (She does...)**

* * *

**Bao Sanniang,**

**Go ahead! Try! Nothing's stopping you! **

* * *

**Father, (No! How are you alive?! I thought Mother killed you!)**

**No,no,no,no,no! I'm fine! You can stay home and live out the days of your old life! No need to worry about me! And I didn't call Chunhua a hag. That was slander to make me seen more like an asshole then I'm already am. (Please, the only thing I've ever called her was "bitch." And I didn't even mean it. And it was right to her face. Though I got a blow to the groin after that...)**

* * *

**Father,**

**I'm really good here! You can ask Lord Cao Cao! **

* * *

**Father,**

**I... uh... I prefer calling him Lord because I feel a little awkward calling him "Uncle"... (No! It's because I'm a grown man!)**

* * *

**Father,**

**My wife? She's fine. **

* * *

**Father,**

**She's 30! Anything I have done to her was very legal by then! **

* * *

**Father,**

**S-so, where are you planning to stay in?**

* * *

**Father,**

**M-my house? (Crap, it's still looking like ash! I'll need to reform it before he gets there!) Of course! I wasn't planning to let you sleep outside of course!**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Guess who's coming over? My father.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I know. This means lock Zhao in the basement and borrow Cao Pi to be the replacement son.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh right, he knows Cao Pi already. W****ho else?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Xiahou Ba's the type of boy to make my father disappointed in me.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Deng Ai is...er... well...he is young... but... heh... Don't you think he's a bit... out of place...?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Ah! I've got it! Dress Yuanji up in men's clothing and make her face look as masculine as possible! Dye her hair too since blonde hair doesn't run in either of our families.**

* * *

**Father,**

**So nice of you to drop by! As you can see, the family home is still in good shape! **

* * *

**Father,**

**My brother...? Oh yeah! I almost forgot about Fu for a minute there!**

* * *

**Dear Fu,**

**Get the f here. Our father's here.**

* * *

**Father,**

**Why don't I have more children...? (I don't know, considering how much I get hit "down there", my children are already dead.) Um... I don't know...**

* * *

**Father,**

**I know Chunhua is pretty for a woman from a middle-class family, but I cannot just do it every now and again. I do have work. (Huff, you humped the life out of Mother.)**

* * *

**Father,**

**What? No! I'm not a pencil-pusher! (Half the time.) I am at the front lines helping Lord Cao Cao by advising him! I'm his right-hand man, you can say! (Next to Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, Xun Yu, and Guo Jia anyway...)**

* * *

**Father,**

**This is Shi and this is Zhao! **

* * *

**"Zhao",**

**Shut up and say hi to your grandfather.**

* * *

**"Zhao",**

**Be glad I am even acknowledging you to be posing as Zhao! I could have gotten Xiahou Ba!**

* * *

**"Zhao",**

**Okay, I wouldn't. But just do this. If not for me, for my wife. She is suffering as much I am with this man around us. She is scared of him. He's the only person alive that she fears. That's how powerful and cruel my father is. You don't want to see anything bad happen to her, no?**

* * *

**"Zhao",**

**Wow, you are really making this hard for me. I made up that last part in order to guilt you. My father would never hurt her since he always wanted a girl, but he got eight boys.**

* * *

**Zhao, *the real one and he doesn't know about Yuanji posing as him***

**Find the rats! They're chewing up the foundation! I feel this house crumbling as we speak!**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Look harder! Those little furballs are fast little things!**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Kill the king rat! It'll make everything easier! (There is no king rat.)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**You can find your way around the basement. Just slash when you hear a squeak.**

* * *

**Father,**

**I know they are rather skinny. (Despite their diets being that of goddamn meatbuns, I'm confused on how Shi keeps his figure.)**

* * *

**Father,**

**(Oh... You're saying that me and my sons being skinny is a bad thing...) What? Did you want fatasses as grandsons?**

* * *

**Father,**

**I do feed them! It's just they eat what they need to eat! (I have no idea what Zhao's been eating...)**

* * *

**Father,**

**Huh? What? Wait a minute... (THAT'S THE GAY STORY THAT GIRL WAS TRYING TO SEND! Just fucking great!) That's... a concubine's...**

* * *

**Father,**

**Trust me, I am not gay! That thing is slander and lies!**

* * *

**Father,**

**Oh, my concubines are such perverts! I don't know why two men kissing is considered sexy.**

* * *

**Father,**

**Purple is unisex! I wear this to show I am richer than everyone that sees me.**

* * *

**Father,**

**Of course I get turned on by a set of breasts! **

* * *

**Father,**

**Eh? Um... It's uncomfortable for me and her to... in front of you... **

* * *

**Father,**

**Okay... (Wow, I'm FORCED to look at a women's body. Most of the time I get smacked into the wall if I walk in Chunhua changing. Which I don't understand. I already know what you look like nude, so why bother preventing me from looking?)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Yeeeeeah... That's what my father told me to do with you... Just give me a quick look and see what happens. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm not that old to be NOT getting one! Besides, I have the body of a 20-year old, so it'll be fine.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***giant red stain***

**Maybe a little more time is need for me to...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***crater in the paper that resembles a face***

**Oh, fine. Even when I am forced to look at you, you still won't allow me have a taste of your "forbidden fruit."**

***paper was later jammed into Yi's throat***

**(Ugck! Ink in my throat! ****Ink in my throat!)**

* * *

**Father,**

**She didn't let me get further.**

* * *

**Father,**

**I can't do that. It's still considered rape if you're married and the woman is not willing.**

* * *

**Father,**

**...You know, why are you making us give you a free show? **

* * *

**Father,**

**(I guess it's like me when I want Chunhua and Wang Yi doing it.) I don't know, my sons are there and... we don't like it when people are watching...**

* * *

**Father,**

**And that's an image I do not want to remember! (I once walked in on Father and Mother... uuuuuggggggh...)**

* * *

**Shi,**

**You have walked in on me and your mother? When? (Wow, you're very quiet. But then again... it could be that bed creaking that made me didn't hear you.)**

**Father,**

***crooked because Shi's trembling***

**Many... times... Zhao... too... has seen... you... and... I also walked in on him and Yuanji... as well...**

**Your son**

**Shi,**

**Oh... But why did you keep quiet and not yell out when you saw the coitus happening?**

***he did not get an answer***

* * *

**Father,**

**Is it enough for you for me to slap her butt?**

* * *

**Father,**

**Okay then.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Turn around, you have a "kick me" sign on your back. **

* * *

***drywall pieces over the paper***

**Father,**

**I did it! Of course Chunhua threw me against the wall, but I did it! (I just felt the flower decoration on her dress mostly, bummer.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, this gay story? Yeah, this girl decided it would be funny to be making this image of me.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**It has Cao Pi and me...ugggggggggggh...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Why do you want it?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**We have wood. You can use that to kindle the fires-Wait, you can just burn this. Here. **


	38. Not satisfying any shippers

**Wang Yi,**

***giant tea spit stain* **

**Ha. Very funny. I wouldn't exactly touch you with a five-foot pole. Plus, if I wanted a crazy kinky woman, I can just go over to Chunhua.**

***It's Zhen Ji posing as Wang Yi and she is really making this melodramatic.***

**Lord Sima Yi,**

**I have a child that is of your blood and you would just leave me all alone in this cruel world of rapists and murderers? Do you know what happened to me before I came to Wei? Ma Chao killed my entire family and I was all alone with my only daughter. I had to cover us in feces in order to prevent rapists from getting to us. You want to let me experience that again? I never knew you could be this cruel.**

**Wang Yi *sort of crooked because Zhen Ji was snickering while writing***

**Wang Yi,**

**Okay, here's the thing. I. AM. CRUEL. I kill people and I enjoy it. I don't think I would have a heart if such a situation were to surface. Also, we never had sex, so there is no way you could have a child. I remember you had sex with Guo Jia, maybe it's his? **

**Lord Sima Yi,**

**We got drunk one night and I'm pretty sure you did me.**

**Wang Yi**

**Wang Yi,**

**Uh, I don't drink. Unless it's Guo Jia forcing a tube down my throat and poured gallons down it.**

**Lord Sima Yi,**

**You could at least give me money to care for this child.**

**Wang Yi**

**Wang Yi,**

**Then ask Cao Cao. And Zhen Ji, if you wanted money, you could just ask. **

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**Please, Wang Yi isn't that melodramatic. And her handwriting is more "messier and spiky" than "curvy and fancy."**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**I called Chunhua crazy kinky, so what?**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**That's none of your business! **

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**N-No! (She does sometimes.) Now get your nose out of my sex life!**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I have no artistic abilities, so that picture of you and Zhang He is probably made by someone else.**

* * *

**Father,**

**Do you know how many years I have tried to grow a beard? I am trying! But... I just can't...**

**Yi,**

**Then you're no man.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**I am able to do other things! I can... pleasure women without actually trying!**

**Yi,**

**Your pretty boy face is what does all the work. Take away that, and you're mateless. Chunhua could have left you if you had a face of a horse.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**That's not true! (And you're the one here with a horse face!) She would leave me I turned into a vegetable!**

**Yi,**

**Oh really? Go ask her what is your best feature.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father, **

**Oh fine, I will!**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**If I lost my good looks, would you still stay married to me?**

**Sima Yi,**

***trying very hard to stall* Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ummmmm... I... like you... in a... sort of a... how... a... It's like... It's like owning a dog. Once it becomes a little old, you try to continue loving it, but... it's hard.**

**Zhang Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**All of those long pauses and comparing our marriage to owning a pet... Gee, you could have been a little more discreet or more straightforward. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Based on how you're writing, I'm going to assume you only like me for my looks.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**If you're trying to cheer me up by saying I'm pleasurable at sex, it's not working because you shouldn't need to say that.**

* * *

**Yi,**

**I guess I didn't need that belt. Chunhua already does my job for you.**

**Your father**

**Father,**

**Yeah, and she hits harder than you!**

**Yi,**

**Oh? I'm assuming you get bottom then?**

**Your father**

**Father,**

**Ha, you wish. (It gets shared.) I still top her.**

**Yi,**

**You're awful at lying. I can see it in her face. She is the one who has more balls than you. If she were born a man, I would have disowned you and have her as my heir instead.**

**Your father**

**Father,**

**I'm the one here with actual balls.**

**Yi,**

**But you don't use them.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**Who had eight children? You. Who had ten children? Me. Who died at 70? You. Who died at 72? Me.**

* * *

**Father,**

**I'm a grown man! I don't need your shit! You're an old man and a fool!**

* * *

**Father,**

**Well, I got my mother's side! Maybe that's why I can't grow one!**

**Yi,**

**Oh, so you have women genes? Ha! No wonder!**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**At least my genes made a kingdom! You died being a Wei bitch!**

**Yi,**

**You did too, BIEEEECH!**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**At least I didn't suck Cao Cao's dick in order to rise in rank!**

**Yi,**

**Yeah, you started to suck his son's dick!**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**Ha! I don't give blowjobs! I get them!**

**Yi,**

**Have you actually gotten one? Or you're too much a pussy to order someone to? I bet you can't even make Chunhua give you one.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**Oh, you would know. Your dick is limp as fuck even Mother wouldn't go near it! And I could if I wanted to! I just don't want to stain her mouth since she kisses her sons with it!**

**Yi,**

**Are you sure you should talking to me like this? In front of your sons, too. You're setting a bad example. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**I will raise my children how I want! I'm not a kid where I have to be lectured by you! Them too! They are adults capable of saying every swear and vulgarity in the goddamn book and they can hear me saying them as well! **

* * *

**Father,**

**Fine! Leave! That's what you always do!**

**Yi,**

**I spent all of my youth caring for you and Lang! Then you repay me with this... this... disrespect?!**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**You beat me until I couldn't feel anything! I'll be damned to be treating you with kindness!**

**Yi,**

**It was for your own good! Look where you are now! You're Cao Cao's top man! **

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**Cao Cao was a better father than you. **

**Yi,**

**How dare you...? I... I... er... Gah! **

***no signature***

* * *

**Dear Yuanji,**

**Okay, he's gone. Take off those clothes and make-up and go change back to your clothes. I'm sorry you had to sit there and watch out quarrel.**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**Your father was better man than him. Anyway, find Zhao. Tell him I already killed the king rat.**

* * *

**Father,**

**Here's your case. Now what else did you forget?**

* * *

**Father,**

**Uh... that boy is... er... **

* * *

**Zhao,**

**You shut it.**

**Yi,**

**This boy is your son. I can see his mother's face on him. **

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**I'm going to assume you're going to give me more reasons why you're disappointed in me.**

**Yi,**

**This boy is what I always wanted in a son! I guess you didn't fail that much.**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**(WHAT? He likes Zhao?! Huh?!) This is Zhao. I'll let you two bond now. (He fucking likes Zhao better than Shi and I combined! I 'oughta... Nragh!)**

* * *

**Chunhua,  
**

**Oh, you heard the quarrel? Sorry you had to hear the both of us yell obscenities to each other.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**(Oh, you would like that, would you?) No, I was just saying that to my father. I didn't actually want you to give a job that blows. (Could... you...) **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Wait, wait,wait! If you're offering, I'll gladly take it!**

**Sima Yi,**

**Too late.**

**Zhang Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Aw! (ARGH! WHY?! You're messing with me like I'm some chew toy!)**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Yeah, yeah. You're the baby daddy and blah, blah... I'll be in my room.**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**I want it!**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**I'll give you all the wine you can drink for six months!**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**Okay, eight months. Now I want that obscene homoerotic story on Yue Ying and Chunhua. Of course I'm deposing of it.**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**YOU DOUBLE-CROSSING WENCH! This is a homoerotic story of Cao Pi and I! (More kindling for the fire, I guess.)**

**Lord Sima Yi,**

**No takies-backsies! Now get me my first round.**

**Wang Yi**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**(Nrgh... I acted too quickly to this... Huff...) Fine... I'll purchase all of your drinks for eight months. Any tab you set will be paid off by me.**


	39. making fun of same-sex porn

**Fu,**

**You better not be doing what I think you're doing with those photos.**

**Yi,**

**We're not related by blood! I'm allowed to do this!**

**Fu**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Touching yourself to my wife's photo is not... proper protocol for a brother-in-law... (Huff... I can't blame him...)**

* * *

**Fu,**

**I know you're very lonely, but... this isn't the answer. Also, you have my face, can't you just run out and pick up a woman yourself?**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Oh... I forgot... No one knows who you are since I hogged the spotlight... Um... I'm just going to leave you with those pictures. Can you just have another try with Wang Yi? She's sort of a knock-off of Chunhua but lost a few screws during the manufacturing.**

* * *

**Deng Ai,**

**(I'm surprised you didn't take any of these photos yourself. I wouldn't blame you if you did...) Oh well, find out who has been putting these... sexy-I mean-obscene pornagraphic images of my wife! This vulgar beast is spreading slander! (No, I beg for this person to continue making these.)**

* * *

**Deng Ai,**

***crooked writing because Yi is trembling* (I really want to be turned on... but I have to restrain myself...) I'll... be taking th ese... **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm very busy! Come back in... an hour...**

***giant red stain at the bottom of the paper***

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Don't open the door unless you want a very scarring scene!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, you're going to have to change someplace else because I'm occupying this room! (Wait, like change clothes changing or change the sheets?)**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**You. Get rid of those.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**You are not keeping porn of my wife!**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**You can keep porn of any other women here, but not her.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**You get rid of those too.**

**Sima Yi,**

**Hell to the no. These are very well-done and it would go to waste if I threw them away.**

**Cao Pi**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Yes, someone's been sticking pornagraphic pictures of you around here and I totally didn't take any in order to satisfy my own needs.**

**Sima Yi,**

**What's that weird noise?**

**Zhang Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What else does it sound like? I'm cutting up these obscene photos up.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**The pipe's been leaking for a while now. You should get Pang De to look at that.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm spilling ink all over and now wiping it up?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Why did you open the door?! **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***attached were the obscene pictures, one had a strange stain on it***

**Here. (Oh wait! I forgot to wipe that off...)**

**Yi,**

**...I accidentally touched it... (I TOUCHED IT! UGH! WHAT IS THIS?! I HOPE THIS IS GLUE! UGH, IT STINKS OF MALE HORMONES!) What were you doing...?**

**Chunhua**

* * *

** Chunhua,**

**Don't judge me. I have needs!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**To be honest, those pictures are so very very well-done, that I suddenly wanted to touch myself. I don't know, maybe it's the sexy clothing this you was wearing. **

***giant red stain because Yi just thought of the photos again***

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**By the time we've finished talking, everyone in Wei and Jin would gotten your nudes. Did you actually pose for these? Why didn't you do this for me?! Huh?! Huh?! Our sex life would have gotten a rocket boost if you had done this to me!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, then this artist is very good despite never seeing you nude.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Okay, this is getting creepy! You've been in your room for two hours! Do you have this much sexual frustration towards her?!**

* * *

**Fu,**

**NO! Just because your nephew did it, doesn't mean you're going to do it yourself! Unlike Zhao, I would have just shoot you right when you have considered the idea of doing my wife!**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Even though she is a banshee of a woman, I cannot deny these years have been good to her. (A shame she's not submissive.)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Yeah, yeah. I'm busy finding out who created these sexy pictures of your mother.**

**Father,**

**My marriage is in shambles and you're just drooling over and masterbating to Mother porn! And ew... I can't believe I said that...**

**Your son, Zhao**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**This is obviously more important. Your mother's dignity is at stake here! **

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Yeah, I am not letting you keep those. Give me.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**You have plenty of Wang Yi and Zhen Ji porn to hold you over. **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Huh, I feel no magical power from you. Wait... THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES FOR YOU TO BLOCK ALL FLOW?! I give you every single magazine in Zhao's stash, and yet nothing. But when you get this picture of Chunhua in very suggestive poses, you suddenly shut down. **

**You've better not also have ideas about her...**

* * *

**Dear Deng Ai,**

**Did you get any clues on whoever drew these pictures of my wife? That man/woman is to be executed for posting such slander! (I will pay that man/woman for every picture he/she has made for Chunhua.) **

***drops of red because Yi's nosebleeding again* **

**P.S: I'm fine. I just pricked my fingers with... a sewing needle...**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to go back to your loveless and sexless marriage with Zhuge Liang? Oh! You're an affair? Who is the poor man/woman that is stuck with you?**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Oh, yes it's my business! You're in my house and I'm certainly not doing you! Who is it? Is it Yuanji? Is it Fu? Xun Yu?**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**You and Xun Yu remind me of each other. Maybe it's the constant annoying of me or the fact you two keep using creations to make my life hell.**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Are the one posting these sexy pictures of Chunhua?**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Ma Dai did these? Why?**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**He wanted to weaken us...? You know... this is just making everyone in Wei very horny and wanting to have sex with Chunhua even though the only man that is allowed to do that is me. If by any means, it's making us stronger. (In the arms and hands.) ****But the question is: Why are you in here if you're not posting those pictures?**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Oh! Are you having an affair with Chunhua? I never thought she was your type. I thought you would go for Cai Wenji.**

**Sima Yi,**

**You... don't seem very upset...**

**Yue Ying**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Ha! So you are doing her!**

* * *

**Yue Ying**

**I'm a very lenient man towards this kind of thing. I don't consider two married women doing it an affair. Now if you were doing a man, then it's an affair.**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Well, nothing's going up there and getting you pregnant.**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Oh well, I leave you to your womanly things.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII wwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacth yoooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu twwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooo doooooooooooooooooooing iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm still going to if you make me wait outside.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**If I can't have you and Wang Yi doing it, then I'm watching you and Yue Ying.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Nu-uh! I am going to stand here until you two get hot and heavy! And if you two would like me to join you-**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Fine, I'll just watch.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Now you two are done, I'll be helping myself to the leftovers. Meaning you and I...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You're wasting a perfectly good boner here! If you're really going both ways, you'd take my offer!**

**Yi,**

**Oh fine. **

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**What is this picture?! You know I wouldn't even touch Guo Jia with a forty-foot pole!**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Guo Jia has herpes, I don't think I'd want any of that anyway. Plus this picture has my hat wrong, thus it's an automatic fake and slander.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

***sarcasm* Oh, I'm sorry. Let me climb up on the palace roof yelling out you have herpes. I'm sure Wang Yi and Cai Wenji would love to hear that.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**I'm just wondering who got the idea of me with you... Out of Jia Xu and Xun Yu, you're the most annoying to me. **

**Sima Yi,**

**WHAT?! I am just more fun than Jia Xu and Xun Yu! Without me, your life would be dryer than the Gobi Desert! **

**Guo Jia**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Wow, you know what the Gobi Desert is? I guess that head isn't that hollow after all considering how much you drown yourself in alcohol everyday. **

* * *

***small scene of a cloud of Sima Yi and Guo Jia hitting each other***

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Wait, just let me expose False Blondie's BRUNETTE roots.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Ha! I knew it! You're not a blonde! You're a bigger fake than that time Yue Ying tried stuffing her chest in order to show off to Zhen Ji!**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Oh look! You wear extensions! Well, you ARE older than me... Someone's hitting that time in their life where they think they have to be "hip".**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Nope, all of this on my head is mine. I don't wear extensions unliiiiike soooomeoooooooone heeeeeeereeeee.**

**Sima Yi,**

**Your father came over and said you wet the bed! Ha!**

**Guo Jia**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**I was one!**

**Sima Yi,**

**Or about the time you set your cat on fire? Psycho much?**

**Guo Jia**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Ha! Joke's on you! I AM psycho!**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**I feel no shame because I was only a child then. You're going have to try harder than that. **

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Oh? Oh? What's this? I got a message from my maid saying you snuck out of Yuanji's room at night? My,my this is such a scandal! I wonder how Zhao will react! (And Yuanji's a whore...)**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Hahahaha! This'll be something that'll be very fun to pass around! I wonder how Chunhua will react you violated a poor little girl like Yuanji. Wang Yi and Cai Wenji will not even consider looking at you.**

**Sima Yi,**

**I don't care if you spread the fact I wear extensions and dye my hair, but do not say I slept with your daughter-in-law! I'm begging you! I never did anything to her! I got so drunk I must have wandered into your house at night, that the maid misunderstood what I was doing!**

**Guo Jia**

**P.S: I might have touched a boob. Not sure who's it was... It was soft and firm.**

**P.P.S: I just dug into my memory and I remember brown hair. Who has brown hair and has boobs?**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**...You groped Chunhua...? **

**Sima Yi,**

**No,no,no,no! The hair was darker than hers!**

**Guo Jia**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**(If he was walking out of Yuanji's room, then he must have walked through the room where Zhao and she sleep together. And the only person with dark brown hair in there is...Kmph... He... hehehe... heheh... HAHAHAH!)**

**You groped Zhao. I'm sorry, but you groped his pectorals and they're pretty large, so maybe that's why you thought they were breasts?**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**You should look at your face! You wanted it to be Chunhua, but you got my son instead! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**I guess your eyes don't work as well at night and you were drunk also, so you went and groped the wrong person! Hahahahah! This is making me laugh so hard!**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

***attached are two yaoi doujins of Sima Yi and Cao Pi***

**What is this? Why do you have these? I thought I told you to use them as kindling for the fire.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I thought you were into women!**

**Yi,**

**I don't like ****only ****women, I do like men as well, but I prefer men more. Women are just an escape zone for me...**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Then why do you have this "book" that has me in a homoerotic relationship with Cao Pi?**

**Yi,**

**It's the same reason you like Wang Yi and I having sex.**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**When women do it, it's sexy. When men do it, it's disgusting.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Women look like goddesses during sex, while men just look like sweaty apes. So this gay story of Cao Pi and I is just pure fantasy. In reality, we would throw up at the thought of getting into bed together.**

* * *

** Chunhua,**

**Zhen Ji got into your head today, huh? I learned her guilty pleasure also is me and Cao Pi... ugggggggggh... Why are you suddenly turning heterosexual? I liked you when you were bisexual.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Now let's be realistic. Cao Pi has herpes. I don't. I don't want to catch it. So there's no way I'm making this fantasy come true. Now about Wang Yi and you, you can make it a reality because you two don't have anything.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You will come to see to my demands! Soon. You will do it!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I know you two already did it, but I never saw it, so get to it!**


	40. Woooooo! Chapter 40!

**Chunhua,**

**Yeeeah... The account is a little lower because I had to pay off Wang Yi's tabs...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I lost a bet with her... (No, I was stupid for thinking she has a erotic story of you and Yue Ying.)**

* * *

**Father,**

**You still tolerate me even I said all of that? As I expected of you, you show no feeling to anything.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm not crying. Does it look like I'm crying? Am I crying? I'm not crying. This is just sweat from me being very very angry. (I'm crying in anger!)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What's worse? Having Lu Bu as your neighbor or my father? If you said the latter, guess what?**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**Huh?What?Ididn'tsayanythingaboutyou. Wantamooncake?Youknowwhat?Taketheentirebox. Yourheadpiecelooksveryniceonyou.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You still didn't get rid of that homo story! I am very insulted that you find me more attractive when gay!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Just because my face looks feminine, doesn't mean I am feminine! I keep dirty magazines in my room!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**(Uh-oh.) I mean, I confiscated so many magazines from Zhao, that I forgotten they were in my room and thus may had taken a look at some of them, but never lingered on the parts that had actual nudity. Nope. Never lingered. Totally ignored them.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You can't find them! I threw them away already! (No, I did not.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Why are you judging me, you homosexual story-owning hypocrite?!**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**No... no... NO! This can't be! I did that at the banquet?! Oh god... what did I do to her...?**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I made out with her...? Then that means... (No! She has herpes! Damn you, Guo Jia! You always try to make everyone drunk as you!)**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Run a blood test, I may have herpes.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I got them from Zhen Ji when I was intoxicated to the point my liver was dying. Guo Jia's fault for forcing down so much liquid down my throat.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**(FUCK!) Sooooo... can you get rid of them...?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Are you sure? Can't you just cut it out of my body somewhere?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**(I'll do it myself then...) Huff... Okay, thank you for your time.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Make your crap-I mean-crazy medicine tea for me.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Of course I hate the smell and taste, but... I need it.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I have cancer.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You don't know that. Your tea could cure Guo ****Huai's coughing for all you know. All you need to do is try.**

* * *

***Sima Yi drinking the tea***

**(OH GOD... URGH!... ugh! uuuuugh! This tastes like Dian Wei's gym socks and Dong Zhou's farts...!)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***specks of vomit***

**I am going to let you experiment with me. Make teas made from many ingredients and I will try them. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What? I can't help make sure your tea isn't going to poison someone? (Maybe drinking many kinds of that crappy tea would get rid of the herpes.)**

* * *

***Sima Yi's reactions to all of the teas he has drank***

**1: (Hmph, this doesn't taste that bad-Oh there is that disgusting aftertaste.)**

**2: (Uuuurgh... This tastes like tiger piss...)**

**3: (Is that an eyeball?! What are you, a witch or a voodoo doctor?!)**

**4: (This tastes like regular tea if you left it out forty years.)**

**5: (I'm drinking so much of this crap, my tongue has already adapted to their taste. And this one tastes like rotten fruit.)**

**6: (I'm going to die... This tastes like dead cat.)**

**7: (Uuuugh... I regret doing this... This tastes like Zhao's burnt rice.)**

**8: (My tastes buds are dead. Everything tastes the same now.)**

**9: (Yup, they're dead.)**

**10: (They all taste the same now. I'll just chug down any remaining ones.)**

***fast forward 20 kinds of tea later...***

**30: (UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! My body's not very happy right now...)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm fine... Don't worry about me-*long ink stroke***

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What happened...? I took a nap and... I forget...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, maybe I shouldn't be chugging down all of those teas like if they were candy-encrusted...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What cancer?**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Run the test again! **

**Sima Yi,**

**I want to know why is your stomach containing traces of every animal and plant living in the Nanman jungles. And... I found an eyeball... If you're trying to get protein, I don't think this is the way to...**

**Xun Yu**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Just answer me! Do I still have herpes?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**There's no cure?! Then I'll have to resort to something else!**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Oh, what perfect timing! Do you have anyone you want to revive or do you desire something?**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**A flux capacitor...? Um... Sure! Who's soul is this going to be this time?**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**(You're paying me in gold?! This is not I want though I need to replenish my account after Wang Yi... But that comes later!) Uhh... How about a soul?**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Soul. Who's can I take?**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**As much I am temped with Liu Bei's soul, I don't want it. (I need a healthy body with a healthy soul.)**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Ma Chao or Ma Dai...? (Hmmm... The crazy want-to-Cao Cao killer or the man who made those sexy pictures of Chunhua...) Ma Chao.**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Thanks for your business! Here's your fat compressor.**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Flat compactor?**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**Funk center? Whatever, ****I failed physics class when I was in secondary school. **

* * *

***Sima Yi just ate the soul he just got***

**(Even the soul is yelling out "justice"... I guess I have to chew. Hmph, he tastes like chicken.)**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Run the blood test again!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Yes! I no longer have it! I thank you for your time.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I... uh... I ate... a lot of chicken.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well, it worked! Your science cannot attempt to disprove this!**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**Okay, I got all of my problems out. Now let's talk about you now. You're bearing a child that is either Zhao's or Shi's. To be honest, it doesn't really matter to me since that child will still have Sima blood in him/her.**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**That's the thing, I'm not sensitive. I make everything awful for everyone.**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**Again, I wouldn't fully care. But then again, Yan will be confused to finding out his half-brother's father was his uncle. And I'm already confusing myself. **

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**I don't understand, you had sexual intercourse with two attractive men carrying the best genes you could get. That came from yours truly. And yet you're not satisfied. What's next? You want to do me next? (God, I hope she doesn't take that seriously.) Or my brother? Or my other brothers that are either dead or unimportant? **

* * *

**Yuanji, **

**I thought so. Be happy that you have spent a night with those two and that I'm not one of those creepy father-in-laws.**

**Father-in-law,**

**You are sort of creepy...**

**Your daughter-in-law**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**Not sexual creepy! I'm evil creepy!**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Technically, the child Yuanji's carrying is still legitimate because Shi and Zhao have similar genetic compounds that were passed down by us, so it's not a bastard.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**It could be a granddaughter. You always wanted a girl.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**...You don't want to take the chance...? Okay... Then what are we supposed to do about the unborn baby? **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Abort it? Sure, get me my "Baby-be-Gone" bat, which is also the "Imbecile-be-Gone", but I tend to forget I carry that, so it's sort of in vain.**

**Yi,**

**You're not doing it that way! **

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What? Do you want me to reach up in there and pull the fetus out? **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**We have me beating Yuanji's stomach like if it were a pinata, get a doctor to reach up there, or Xun Yu the quack doctor.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Aw, I was looking forward to beating Yuanji's uterus to a pulp.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**What? I'm supposed to be like this. I would've kicked Yuanji sooner or later anyway.**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**Can you come over here for a sec? (Xun Yu, phht! I'm doing this the old-fashioned way.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***imagine him saying this in a very calm and a sightly cheerful voice* I know you're pissed about me beating Yuanji to near-death. On the bright side, she will have a miscarriage.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Aw, don't be such a pessimist. Yuanji will survive those blows.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Annnnnnnnd she's dead. Want a mooncake over tea to forget about this recent death?**

* * *

***pieces of drywall***

**Chunhua,**

**A simple no would have sufficed. (OW! You bitch! I didn't get to see that one coming!)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**There's a file missing from my shelf. I know you did the cleaning, so where is it?**

**Yi,**

**Oh, you mean this file of very suggestive pictures of me?**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**That is crucial evidence! Turn it in back to authority or I will have to arrest you on tempering with evidence! Did I say that was evidence? **

**Yi,**

**My ass these are crucial as "evidence". And you're not a lawyer or a detective.**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**As much as I would love to have your ass, I want those back without negotiation.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You hit me the moment I see a nipple! Of course I need to keep pictures since they don't hit back!**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Yuanji's still dead... So what'll it be this time? I suggest Jia Chong's soul since his is equal in value to Yuanji's.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Bring him to... the basement. I have a new way to extract souls. (I guess I can perform the ritual there.)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Come on, that was good and you know it. **

**Father,**

**Having a musical number before taking someone's soul is NOT the way to go!**

**Your son, Zhao**

***Yi was doing something similar to what Dr. Facilier did in Princess and the Frog. Remember "Friends on the Other Side?"***

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Hey, Jia Chong liked it. He was enjoying himself before my benefactor demon took him to the other side. And that was in the song!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, you heard that? It's my new ritual. I sing a musical number before some poor sap's taken into the underworld.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, then where's the fun in that? I like to distract the poor souls before they are faced with impending doom.**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**You're alive and kicking, so no hard feelings of me killing you, right? I even got you a box of almond cookies.**

* * *

***very crooked writing***

**C hu n hua,**

**Yuan... ji... kick...ed me... in my... "intimate"... are...a I... can't get... u...p...**

* * *

**Ch unhu a,**

**I...t... hurts... my sperm... coun...t...is... decreasing as ...we speak... Hurry to get... me... up...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Do it... gently... Slowly... **

***getting picked up* **

**(AAAARGH! IT REALLY HURTS! I THINK IT'S GOING TO FALL OFF!)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**...Don't... drag me... the... friction... hurts...my...thing...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I...su...ggest... holding it...?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Then use... a pair... of...tongs...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I...suggest... never... using those... to cook... again...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Wait... don't take me... to Xun... Yu...**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**(Argh, she... still took me to you...) I... hurt... down there... because... Yuanji kicked me...so hard... **

**Sima Yi,**

**I see. Based on how your wife tells it, the blow was hard enough to cause your penis to be badly traumatized. I suggest never touching it or using it if you want it to heal. But until then you will have to put on this cast. **

***attached is a hilariously small cast***

**Xun Yu**

**P.S: I am not putting that on you. I may be an unlicensed doctor, but I will never touch another man or woman's naughty bits.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**This is too small. And how dare you assume my thing is like my finger!**

**Sima Yi,**

**What? Do you expect me to kneel down there and take out a ruler? I would've asked your wife, but she didn't look like she would be willing.**

**Xun Yu**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You could have just have a "one size fits all" cast.**

**Sima Yi,**

***slight sass* Oh, I'm sorry, I've never had a patient that had a badly traumatized penis, so I've never actually prepared for such an outcome. **

**Xun Yu**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You have Guo Jia as a patient! I've seen him get kicked in the thing a lot from Wang Yi!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**...Uh... the cast makes my... thing... look... Well, I look like I'm "happy" to see everyone.**

**Sima Yi,**

**The idea of a cast is that it keeps a limb straight until it heals and avoid pain. For you... yeah... that's going to be awkward... Also, I forgot to tell you: You can't get an erection. You could if you wanted to, but it's going to hurt. A lot. **

**Xun Yu**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Can you just tell Cao Cao I can't be in for work for who knows when this is going to heal?**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**I want know how do I make everyone now not think I'm having a happy moment everywhere I go? **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Sticking my hat over there is going to make it worse!**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Just say I have a certain illness that I need to stay home from work.**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

***attached is the letter about "Sima Yi" wanting marriage***

**Yeah, I didn't write this. There are missing periods and commas. And I'm not that stupid to not know our names are different. ****Your name and my name are very different. Your name is **異**. My name is **懿. **So that letter you got of me wanting to marry you out some crap-ass destiny of our names and some random shit there was probably someone playing a prank. **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Oh yeeeeeeah, thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat... It was an accident. I was forced to chug a gallon of wine and your wife just happened to be as drunk as I am and... yeah.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**You do not get to kiss my wife! I said I'm sorry! (No, I didn't.)**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**If I were sober, I wouldn't have not touched Zhen Ji even with gloves. She's infested. But Guo Jia LOVES to make me miserable, so he killed my liver.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Can't you just cancel out my kiss to her with your own kiss?**

**Sima Yi,**

**Ugh! That'll mean I'll be getting your germs!**

**Cao Pi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Oh, she brushes her teeth. I bet they would have gone been by then.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I am not letting you getting your herpes lips on Chunhua! **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Uh, yeah you do. I read your medical file.**

* * *

**Cao Pi, **

**I have access to all of Wei's files since I'm a secretary. I know everything about everyone here. I know you had a bed-wetting problem when you were 4 and it ended when you were about 10, I know you have a teddy bear named Anmin, and you have a severe case of herpes.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I can just pull out that file right now and read off its contents to everyone here.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Now I don't want to hear you thinking of trying to kiss my wife with that herpes-infested mouth.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I can just climb up onto the palace roof and yell out you have herpes.**

**Sima Yi,**

**Ha, you can't climb anyway since your old bones aren't able to keep up.**

**Cao Pi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I can just summon a staircase then.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh... You found out...? That was an accident...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I was drunk! Guo Jia made me drink so much! **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**In reality, I wouldn't touch her even with gloves. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh well, my mouth's tainted. Will you cleanse it for me then? And I mean with your mouth.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**OW! You pressed too hard against me! (The cast is making my thing stick out...)**

* * *

**Lu Bu,**

**What's Five Nights at Freddy's? You have a foreign friend and I have to stay for five days with him/her?**

* * *

**Dear Guo Huai,**

**What is the meaning of this letter? I am pretty sure you hold very negative personal feelings towards Zhao, and I'm sure as hell you wouldn't sleep with him. You shot him for eating the bowl of soup your wife made for you. **

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**Oh? Then who keeps sending me letters saying my men have been sleeping around with each other like a bunch of horny gay rabbits?!**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**Really? You liked that insult? Then I shall record that horny gay rabbit comment in my book of "really good insults and burns" for later. **

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**You're being very dramatic. You're not even fat anyway! **

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**What figure? Are men supposed to have "figures"?**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**What's the point? You don't even wear dresses, you just like looking at them. (Wait, he could for a espionage mission.)**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**I have a new assignment for you. Infiltrate the Shu forces posing as a concubine for Liu Bei. When you get in, capture him and anyone else who continues to resist. (This is so perfect! Why didn't I think of this before?!)**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Uh... I'm not over there because I have a "condition". (I may never have kids anymore.)**


	41. Ugh, more mpreg

**Zhang He,**

**How many times do I have to tell you? You're a guy, and guys can't-I repeat-can't bear children no matter what. You've probably gotten out of shape and assumed your overgrown gut was a growing fetus since your complex is making you think you're a woman.**

* * *

***blood splatter***

**Zhang He,**

**Sorry... I'll leave you to infiltrating Shu then.**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Are you trying to play some stupid pranks like some child? Why are many people claiming to have fetuses growing in their stomachs when THEY'RE MEN.**

**Sima Yi,**

**As much as I like to mess with people's sanity, I never would do that. No man should suffer the pain of childbirth. Women already got that and if men were to suffer the same way, it loses its meaning. Plus, we'll be overpopulating the world if this were the case. Also, what happened to your face? It looks you got attacked by a tiger.**

**Xun Yu**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**So you were not making men have uteri? **

**P.S: Zhang He slashed my face for saying he was fat. He went and actually used his claws on me. (I hope I don't get tetanus.) **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Oh. Then we have no quarrel. (I was looking forward to giving him a "with great power, comes great responsibility" speech.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Hahahahaha! Chihuahua? Oh my god! I didn't know they named a dog after you! Hahahaha!**

* * *

***paper is wrinkled and has a face imprinted on it***

**Chunhua,**

**Come on! It's funny! I should consider finding and taking that dog species just to make you mad. Where can you find one of those?**

**Yi,**

**My name and that name not even spelled the same way! Also, what happened to your face?**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, come on. It's close enough.**

**P.S: Zhang He slashed my face.**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**May I ask what is this dog species native to? **

***attached is a bad drawing of a chihuahua***

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well, that's far. Those dogs are all the way around the globe.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***crooked writing because he's laughing***

**Sorry... sorry... It's just that I've always found your name to be rather unusual, so I thought there's no way someone else could be named this. Though chihuhua sounds funny and foreign. (Ow! I'm laughing so hard the slash wound is getting irritated!)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I can't get one. It's all the way to that unknown land mass* on the other side of the world. And I don't bode well on ships. **

***The Americas before they were discovered***

* * *

**Father, **

**"Borrow" food? Really? Are you planning to just take a bite out of a meatbun and then put it back into my fridge? Because that's disgusting.**

* * *

**Father,**

**Oh... I never thought... huh... (Zhao was like you when you were young...? Oh my god... That's awful. Maybe I did get my mother's side.)**

**P.S: Zhang He slashed my face.**

* * *

**Xiao Qiao,**

***attached are drawings of sexual pictures in crayon***

**My word! A little girl like you shouldn't be drawing these! And are these little sticks on these figures supposed to be... What? Little girl, I don't think your parent is taking care of you. I should call Social Services on Zhou Yu.**

* * *

**Xiao Qiao,**

**You know Mr. Fruity? Yeah, he did this.**

* * *

**Dear Sun Quan,**

**No. We already helped you at Fan. Everyone gets one and you already used your one.**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**I know this thing. No thanks. Two men kissing is not my thing.**

**P.S: Huuuuuuua... Zhang He slashed my face. **

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**I don't want to talk to your bodyguard! This scar has no story!**

**Sima Yi,**

**All scars have very interesting stories. No matter how small or large.**

**Sun Quan**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**I called a flamboyant man fat and this is what I got.**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**Yeah, not as interesting as you thought it would.**

* * *

**Dear Zhao, **

**Ooh, then I get to say this since you're gay! I. AM. DISOWNING. YO. STUPID. IMBECILIC. A-SS! Say goodbye to your name on my will! Hahahaha! Go over to Shu for all I care! You'll die once Jiang Wei gets his hands on you! Like what happened to Xiahou Ba! HAHAHAHAHA! (Wait. Jia Chong's dead. I took his soul for Yuanji, remember? How are you gay for a dead man?)**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**So what are you going to do now?**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**You sent me a letter saying you are homosexual.**

**Father,**

**Why would I go gay for Jia Chong? That's gay. Also, you look badass with that scar. **

* * *

**Zhao,**

**(NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!) ...Oh. I... uh... hehehe... Nevermind. (I have to get to that messenger before Zhao reads that disowning letter!) And...uh... thank you. (You got yourself back on my will.)**

* * *

**Zhou Yu,**

**No. I don't want to go through being married to a little girl again. Once was enough.**

**P.S: (Why does everyone want to know about this scar?!) Zhang He. Slashed. My face.**

* * *

**Messenger Peon,**

**I want my letter back. Give it to me and go back to your post.**

**P.S: General Zhang He slashed me for saying an unruly comment on his "figure".**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Yeah, that's not happening. You have herpes and I will not my wife get infected by your disgusting self by letting her into your group of women which I don't feel sorry for catching your herpes.**

**P.S: Zhang He cut me for saying he was fat.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Youhaveherpesyouhaveherpesyouhaveherpesyouhaveherpesyouhaveherpesyouhaveherpesyouhaveherpesyouhaveherpesyouhaveherpesyouhaveherpesherpesyouhaveherpesyouhaveherpes. YOU HAVE HERPES. Do I need to sing a musical number about you having herpes for you to get it through your head?**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Wait, you want me to?! I can't just write a song on the spot! I'm not Cao Zhi!**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Okay, if I write a song, I'm going to have to sing in front of everyone.**

**Sima Yi,**

**WAITWAITWAIT! No! Nevermind!**

**Cao Pi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Then don't ask again for my wife.**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**I don't want to talk to you since you destroyed my future children and my sex life. And for that, I will not tell you how I got this scar.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I can't exactly leave the house. You know, my cast is making me look like I have an erection the entire time. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well... I don't know. This scar is very non-flattering and it'll take a while to heal.**

* * *

**Jis Chong,**

**Whoa! You've gotten ugly last time I saw you! **

**Sima Yi,**

**This... I looked exactly like this before I was sucked into here.**

**Jia Chong**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Oh. Did you do something new with your hair then? If so, it's hideous.**

**Sima Yi,**

**Still the same hair!**

**Jia Chong**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Oh. Then why are you here?**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**Go somewhere else to perform a deal with some other poor sap. I make my own deals. Plus, those horns look very out of place. Maybe because they're bright red and you're dressed in black.**

**Sima Yi,**

**Then why don't you use that to fix your face and your family jewels? And I didn't get a chance to pick my horn color.**

**Jia Chong**

* * *

**Jia Chong,**

**...Goodbye. (Oh my god, why didn't I think of this sooner?! And they let you choose horn colors?)**

* * *

**Dear Demon Master,**

**I will exchange you two souls for my face and dick back. Meaning they get healed. Oh, and if I still have herpes, I'll throw in a third soul free of charge if you get rid of that too. (I have to cough up Ma Chao then.)**

* * *

***a note that was left on Zhong Hui's desk***

**Dear Chosen One,**

**You are selected to participate in stopping the Empire and Emperor Palpatine's evil plans. Head down to the Sima household's basement for training by yours truly.**

**Obi-Wan Kenobi**

***Every time I hear Zhong Hui say he is the chosen one, I think of Star Wars, leading to this.***

* * *

***note that was left on Xiahou Ba's desk***

**Dear Xiahou Ba,**

**I need help in killing a rat colony, but the hole they are in is too small, so I can't fit my body through it. I need you to slide in there and kill those rats. I'll give you a cookie. No, two cookies.**

**Sima Zhao**

**(Hahahahahah! Two easy souls in one go! And I need to puke Ma Chao's soul too.)**

* * *

***paper was quickly written and jammed into Zhong Hui's mouth* **

**Zhong Hui,**

**Don't interrupt me during the musical number!**

* * *

**Dear Demon Master,**

**Here's another soul to get rid of any remaining herpes off of me.**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**I fixed myself up! Can we go make up for lost time now?**

**Yi,**

**It's only been a day since you got kicked in your junk. You cannot be healed then. **

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Who cares how I got better? I can walk without feeling awkward now!**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Here's the cast back.**

**Sima Yi,**

**NONONONO! I AM NOT TAKING THAT BACK! Those are single-use only!**

**Xun Yu**

* * *

**Guo Huai,**

**Really? Our budget is already hitting the skies, freeze bullets are just going to put more stress on our accountants. Plus, I can make those for free. Though they will not be very effective...**

* * *

**Dear Father,**

**I feel very uneasy with you staring at me from your window. Can you... stop?**

* * *

**Father,**

**I'm in my forties! I don't need you!**

**Yi,**

**Ugh, you're old...**

**Your father**

* * *

**Father,**

**YOU'RE OLD!**


	42. The ol' switcherroo

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Ba got eaten by a rat colony he was trying to kill off while he was at YOUR house, but you weren't home, so he went ahead and did himself, but there were too many. (Ha, no one misses Zhong Hui.)**

* * *

**Wang Shaung,**

**I don't think Cao Cao would be happy with you talking such vulgar language about his beloved. And you'll make Zhong Yao* have a heart attack if this actually got to him!**

***Zhong Yao was really old by this time and if you don't know him, he's Zhong Hui's father**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**(What? Someone got into my locked file?!) I didn't know Lady Bian exists. And "your best friend"? What are we, a couple of sappy seven-year olds? I already know that. Tell me something I don't know.**

**Sima Yi,**

**I wasn't peeking out of a window that totally not lead to your wife's chambers?**

**Jiang Ji**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Double negative means that was true. How could you? **

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Peek on Yuanji then.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**I hate her now because she almost killed my sex life and whether or not I get to have children.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**I thought younger women were your thing.**

**Sima Yi,**

**No, that's your thing.**

**Jiang Ji**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Oh, haha. Chunhua doesn't count since we got stuck with each other.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**I got VERY lucky that puberty was so good to her. **

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**I would be honored for you to have me be your Regent. Your grandfather has me right now as his Regent though...**

**(What I'm wondering is why are you so much more eloquent that your two predecessors... Ah, it's people like him that make me not go insane. He's my favorite Cao, next to Cao Cao. Cao Pi can go die in a fire at Wuchao for all I care. Though Cao Rui came out of him, so he HAS to exist.)**

* * *

**Zhang Bao, *The generic brother of Zhang Jiao***

**(I don't have any debts with the demon master now...) Sure. What model? The "guy that looks like a lady", the "gay comic material", the "bearded strategist" which is sort of out of style these days, or the "big bulky guy that gets no attention except in big important battles"? **

* * *

**Zhang Bao,**

**Sure, get a VERY unique model and you'll get ignored while fangirls fawn over Zhong Pooey and Jia Caca.* (Those two are barely here and they're already shadowing me.)**

***Zhong Hui and Jia Chong but Sima Yi gave them names of poop instead.**

* * *

**Zhang Bao,**

**I was here since the almost beginning, I'm nostalgic-unique.**

* * *

**Zhang Bao,**

**You cannot take your brother's model!**

* * *

**Zhang Bao,**

**He's nostalgic-unique, so there is no name for his model.**

* * *

**Zhang Bao,**

**Okay, "bearded strategist" it is.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Huh? You too? Come on, that form you take now is fine. **

**Yi,**

**That's because I have your face!**

**Fu**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Which is dashing! You cannot ask for anything more than my very attractive look. **

* * *

**Fu,**

**What if I am flattering myself with you? We look EXACTLY the same. That's the power of being a generic sibling of a unique officer with a gorgeous face.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Look in a mirror! The only difference that separates us right now is your goody-two-shoes act and your BENEVOLENCE. Ugh, I just wrote that. I want to puke.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Huh? You want to borrow my clothes? Why?**

**Yi,**

**Your son came by and he somehow got filth all over my clothing. I have washed them, but I now have nothing to wear!**

**Fu**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Then what are you wearing now? Don't tell me Zhao did this when you were bathing.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Huff... Fine. Go into my closet and get a robe out.**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Now can we make up for lost time?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I didn't ask you an hour ago. I was getting Cao Ren's cat out of a tree. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**If I asked you an hour ago, that would mean I would be still be in my happy place.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, I don't know who were you were spending time with. Maybe a clone or-wait. Give me a minute.**

* * *

**Dear Fu,**

**Why do you reek of sweat and shame? I see a weird stain on my robe...**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Very clever of you... You and I are not so different after all. **

* * *

**Fu,**

**OF COURSE I'M MAD! You used the fact that we look exactly the same to sleep with my wife!**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Doesn't mean you what-Shi-did-with-Yuanji to Chunhua! **

* * *

**Fu,**

**Well, for them, it was consensual. For you and her, it was a mix-up. **

* * *

**Fu,**

**Luckily, you're still just a generic with my face. You're not fertile.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Generics are automatically infertile.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Oh, you're forgiven... (NO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!)**

* * *

**Fu,**

***blood splatter and a tooth***

**Great, you made me mess up my face that's also your face. **

* * *

**Fu,**

***blood splatter***

**That's for getting your bodily fluid on my robe!**

* * *

**Fu,**

**It's disgusting! Getting your bodily fluid on your brother's robe is the worst thing you can ever do!**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Guess what? You slept with my brother.**

**Yi,**

**Wow. Then I really know how similar you two are. How are you not twins?**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**That body is made from my own flesh and blood. Don't get it the wrong way, I made it for him because he hated how he looked so different from me. And I couldn't get my other brothers since they are generics too... My father can't since he's too old.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Ehhhhhhhhhhhh... I suppose you couldn't tell the difference then, so I wouldn't blame you. Though the personality should have thrown you off.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Aw, he got my voice down. No wonder he fooled you. No one sounds like me except me.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Ding Feng does not sound like me! His voice is deeper than mine! **

***The joke here is that Sima Yi and Ding Feng share English actors***

* * *

**Father,**

**Fu slept with my wife, so I had to knock some sense.**

* * *

**Father,**

**Well, he just took advantage of his body and face.**

* * *

**Father,**

**Who cares if he's better than me in bed?! (Hu... I've... never thought of that...)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**So, why did you continue? Something should have thrown you off.**

**Yi,**

**Your brother apparently has the EXACT SAME technique as you. Seriously, how are you not twins? **

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Uh-uh. Everyone will slip up in imitating me. There is one thing no one can imitate.**

**Yi,**

**Well, when Zhao fell down the stairs, he went and helped him up.**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**EXACTLY. There it is. I would've stood there and laugh as he hit the steps. You should've have known.**

**Yi,**

**That was after the event! But... of course I thought something was wrong, but I dismissed it.**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**The reason why I'm not THAT upset is because Fu is infertile and sort of my fault for making him have my exact face.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Can't you just find someone woman that will satisfy you? I mean, doing your sister-in-law is not incest, but still, keep it outside the family.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Chunhua didn't-at least I think-have any sisters.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Have another round with Wang Yi or something. Maybe Cai Wenji if you're going for a woman looking exactly like Chunhua but without her personality.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**I do understand she is a very attractive woman, but... heh... Once you get that off, it's a demon spawn.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**I'm serious. Sort of... **

* * *

**Fu,**

**Oh, come on. Only a woman of demon blood can stomach me.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Wang Yi is not a demon. She's just insane in the wrong parts of her brain. I think it's a tumor that Xun Yu missed when scanning her.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**I am making assumptions. I saw Chunhua cut her finger and I saw black blood...**

**Yi,**

**That's just regular blood under no light. **

**Fu**

* * *

**Fu,**

**How would you know? I saw black and you cannot change my mind.**

* * *

**Demon master,**

**I have a debt? For what?**

**Sima Yi,**

**You owe one soul for one removal of herpes. If you do not pay by the end of the day, we will take you as payment.**

* * *

**Demon master,**

**I gave you one for that!**

**Sima Yi,**

**It was chewed up. We do not accept damaged currency.**

* * *

**Demon master,**

**Oh fiiiiiiiine. Let me see...**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Can you help out your father for a moment down in the basement?**

* * *

**Demon master,**

**Why?! He's big and meaty! I think you'll have a feast with him! Ugh, fine.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**You can go. **

* * *

**Demon master,**

**(Shitshitshitshit! I need someone now!) I need another half hour! (Desperate times calls for desperate measures... Huff...)**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Can you come down to the basement for a minute?**

* * *

**Demon master,**

**What? What's wrong?**

**Sima Yi,**

**Your debt's cleared. Don't show that woman's face to me again.**

* * *

**Demon master,**

**Eh...? I don't understand.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Ha! You are from Hell! You're one set of horns away from being one of those things!**

**Yi,**

**You planned to offer me to those demons!**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Aaah, you're still here. No need to yell at me about that. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Just tell me already if you're a demon spawn.**

**Yi,**

**Argh, back to this? I killed a maid, remember? I'm already on their Hell list, but not I'm allowed in Hell because they considered my method "humane" and "sloppy". **

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Huh, maybe that's why Jia Chong got to become a demon down in there. His methods are beyond inhumane. Apparently you were not sinful enough to be ALLOWED into Hell. That's... surprising... (Wow, compared to me, you're frickin' Virgin Mary. Wait, you're not a virgin.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I am allowed, alright. But... it's hot and so much red... I don't like red a lot...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**It's Hell. It's obviously not fun unless you're one of those demons that make deals with people. I've just seen the inside through from a portal.**

* * *

**Dear Demon master,**

**Why exactly don't you want Chunhua's soul? (If she has one...)**

**Sima Yi,**

**She's a disgrace to evil. That maid died fast! She should've made her suffered! **

* * *

**Demon master,**

**Eh? She didn't exactly had time to do that... She had to do it quickly to hide it from me, but I found out since I smelled something awful after a week.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Oh. That's nice. (Huff... you're dull... You're very bright, but... you're soooooooo boooooriiiiiiing... Once I talk to you, I want to sleep... At least Zhao humors me for his stupid mishaps.)**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Take your nephew and you two try to pick up some mates. The smart nephew, not the gorilla. Here's some money to pay for whatever. I don't know how to date. Go ask Guo Jia for advice.**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**Great, Shi is going out and you turn him into a cat. You always mess up things right at the right moments. **

* * *

**Shi,**

**Just go down into the basement, I can reverse this.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**No... I don't need to get a demon to do this. I can do it myself.**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Can you get me a piece of meat? (I turned Shi into a rock...)**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Okay, I messed up on your one of your fingers, but you wear gloves anyway, so don't worry about someone getting creeped out with you not having a finger.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Yay, you got someone. What does she look like?**

* * *

**Fu,**

**This woman looks similar to Cai Wenji/Chunhua except her hair's black.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Aw, Shi didn't get anyone? (Jesus, he's that bland.)**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Well, he is married, but... she's... not here.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**She's just not here. It was like in DW7, I was married, but Chunhua wasn't there.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**What do you not get? The woman Shi's married to is not here.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**She's just not here.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**SHE'S JUST. NOT. HERE.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**She isn't anywhere! She's just not here!**

* * *

**Fu,**

**(Ugh...) She's not here! She does exist, but she's not here.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**(UGH.) I am going to shoot you.**


	43. Finally he's not single anymore

**Wang Su,**

**Oh, she's fine. Nothing to be worried about... (You're lucky I didn't choke her blonde ass for breaking my dick.) **

* * *

**Zhang Liang,**

**He's dead because your brother traded his life for a body of unique appearance.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Too late. That ship sailed nine years ago. I gave you an offer to watch the world burn, but you took waaaaaaaay too long. **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**I'm doing so much better than what I was back in DW5. I have new hair, new voice, new family, and new kingdom.**

**(What would make it perfect is that fangirls would stop making me homo for Cao Pi. I've seen all of the "stories" and "art" ever since DW5 and DW6. It's enough to cover the Earth, I bet. If they were in paper form, that is.) **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Nah, go back to your loveless marriage to a grease monkey with better hair and a student that has Tourette's. **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**What? Have YOU seen a person that works with machines all day and still keep nice hair? It's like having an eating competitor NOT get dirty. **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Phht, yeah right. You totally sleep with her. Ha. Ha. HA. **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Since when? 190?**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**No way. You're lying. **

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Well, you seem to suck at it because she goes over to Wei for comfort from women. Specifically my wife.**

* * *

**Zhuge Liang,**

**Oops, did I say that out loud?**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**That's because the rats were all killed with Ba going out in a blaze of glory by blowing himself up with those rats.**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Remember, he's not very bright.**

* * *

**Zhuge Dan,**

**I thought you didn't care. And I never said my wife was a hag. And her being a Zhuge is very unlikely since you guys all have black hair and hers is light brown-yellow-ish. (I just called her a bitch once now everyone thinks I said hag. How do you twist that?! And I didn't even mean it entirely.)**

* * *

**Zhuge Dan,**

**Your daughter was capable of revenge as much as her husband if I spared them. **

* * *

**Zhuge Dan,**

**We're done here.**

* * *

**Zhuge Dan,**

**You have another daughter that's alive and well.**

* * *

**Zhuge Dan,**

**How about this box of mooncakes?**

* * *

**Zhuge Dan,**

**Yadayada... I'm going to hang up this line now.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**It's not snow season though.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**No, I'm just saying. If it were snow season, I would create a gigantic snowball to cover up that eyesore you call Shu.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**I could make snow. I just don't want to.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**I am mean. Understand that I'm an asshole and I will make babies cry just by looking at them.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**No. End of story. Go back to whatever you Shu people do before we**

* * *

**destroy you all.**

**Guan Yinping,**

**OKAY! FINE! Geez... just stop sending me these gay comics of me and... ugh... pretty much every man here...**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Oh really? Gan Ji's thing is making people go insane by cloning multiple Lu Bus.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Are you sure you're not pinning your mistake onto Gan Ji? Also, why gender-switching specifically? Are you and Zuo Ci getting very uncreative these days? I mean, I would have an eternal winter or make everyone eat frozen rice. That would make people pissed, but... switching genders? It's not even threatening. It's just weird and childish.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Gan Ji likes to use phantoms, remember? The gender-switching thing is sort of your handy work along with removing men's penises for some sick reason.**

**Sima Yi,**

**That last part are accidents/side effects of spells! I don't know why they remove the things off of men, but I certainly don't do these on purpose! **

**Xun Yu**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Well, I'm guessing you cast another spell today because I DON'T HAVE A DICK RIGHT NOW.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Can you at least tinker with your magic ability to make sure it doesn't happen?! Or at least remove a part I don't need?! I mean, I would be happy to lose my appendix or my tonsils! **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Of course I need that! My bloodline is not going to reproduce itself! **

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**No, I have two children. (I do have ten, but they're not here. Only Shi and Zhao are here.)**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Are you my fertility doctor? No! So you do not tell me how children I can and cannot have! I decide how many can run around here and you can't stop me! **

**Sima Yi,**

**It's just... I mean, to have many little ones to be calling you "Ba Ba". mean... Hahahahahahaha! You being called that! HAHAHAHA! It's just that you getting called that would be so... I mean, that'll make you seem very non-threatening! Hey! If you combine your name and that, it'll make Sima Ba Ba! Hahahahahaha! Oh my god! I am so telling this to Guo Jia and Jia Xu over drinks!**

**Xun Yu**

***Ba Ba is Mandarin for Daddy or Papa normally used by little kids***

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**JUST GIVE ME MY PENIS BACK, ASSWIPE. (Huh, Ba Ba doesn't sound very good on me. It makes me sound all cute and... ugh.)**

* * *

** Dear Zhao,**

**I found the nude pictures of your mother in your room. Why are they in there? (And why didn't you tell me?)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**You've been using your mother's dignity as a bargaining chip? How dare you! Have you no shame? (I do that! No one can do that but me!)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I don't care if they're popular! I will be taking these. (I don't have these, nice addition to my file.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm... doing research?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Hey, Zhao's been using these obscene pictures to get things. He's worse than me.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Well, the real thing is certainly not letting me do anything, so these are a substitute.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You're leaving me with no way to vent myself! Don't you get bored?! Huh?! HUH?! If so, why aren't you trying to entertain yourself?! It's either make fun of Zhao, push Zhong Hui down stairs, draw on Deng Ai's back since he can't see you fully since you're pretty short, push Zhao down stairs, push Jia Chong down stairs, "accidentally" push Cao Pi down stairs, "accidentally" push Cao Cao down stairs or get in bed with me. **

**Yi,**

**Those are all things YOU want to do. And most of them involve pushing someone down stairs! (Though pushing Zhong Hui and Cao Pi down stairs sounds fun.)**

**Chunhua **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**And you should try it. It's fun seeing the poor saps flail as they roll down bumps that fracture their ribs every second. I recommend the Wei palace steps. It's HILARIOUS since the steps extend for a mile. I did it to Xu Chu and he rolled down there and even bounced! Of course I pinned it onto Xu Shu back when he was here.**

* * *

**Chunhua,  
Well, what do YOU want to do?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**(I expected you to say dancing or make me learn some womanly craft.) Really? Okay! Let's push Cao Pi down the Wei steps then!**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Cao Pi has two left feet, of course he fell.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**How can you trust his eyes? It could have been anyone.**

**Sima Yi,**

**Pi said he saw purple.**

**Cao Cao**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**He probably hit his eye on the step and he got a black eye.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Come on, it could have been Zhen Ji. She wears purple.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**No, I wear teal. **

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I wear teal. I can walk up to you and I'll be wearing teal. (I'll just put on my old robes...)**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**No, it isn't. These are what I normally wear.**

**Sima Yi,**

**YOU. WEAR. PURPLE. I'VE SEEN YOU WEAR PURPLE EVER SINCE DW2.**

**Cao Cao**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**It's not purple, it's lavender.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**(Ah, fuck it.) Chunhua did it!**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I know, I didn't know she could do such a thing. Sorry for your lungs getting punctured by your broken ribs. (She just provided the foot that tripped you over while I gave the push.)**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

***no empathy but pretending he does have it because he did push him* Oh no! You fell down again? That's awful! Now your internal organs are crushed! Aw! That's awful! Did I say it was awful? **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Hey, you got a free pass since Cao Cao is sort of easy towards women and I'm on his good side. (And he likes your breasts.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**If I said I did it, they'll give me either more hours or clean the Wei toilets. And those places are very disgusting. **

**(The only bathroom that's clean is Zhang He's which he made personally for himself, but that doesn't stop me from "borrowing" that. I mess it up no matter how hard I try to keep clean in there.)**

* * *

**Shi,**

**(Been a while since I heard of you...) Can you at least report something interesting? I want to know if Zhang He fell down the stairs one day for twirling so much, or if Cao Pi blew up his own palace just for cooking a Pop Tart.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**I know that would be Zhao. But Cao Pi is no cook either. He blew up his own kitchen trying to copy one of Xu Chu's recipes.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**How hard is it for you to be entertained? Do I need to show you a meatbun for you to be up and running?**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Just go and find a mate.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**But she's not here.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**What are you willing to give for her body?**

* * *

**Shi,**

**I require the DNA of someone related to her.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**You cannot just grab any Xiahou! Who's her brother?**

***For Shi's wife, I'm going with his first one***

* * *

**Shi,**

**He's generic. I need a unique model to work with.**

**Father,**

**Ah, her father was the nephew of Xiahou Yuan! You can get something from him!**

**Your son, Shi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Excellent! Now I don't want to see you moping around my office after I get your wife a body! **

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Yuan,**

**Cao Cao is running drug tests on everyone here. Please spit into the jar.**

* * *

**Xiahou Yuan,**

**Even if you never touched drugs, you've drank alcohol. Which is a drug. We have to make sure our army is not addicted to anything or we'll lose to Shu faster than Yue Jin's mile time.**

**Sima Yi,**

**I thought you had to pee in a jar for the test to work.**

**Xiahou Yuan**

* * *

**Xiahou Yuan,**

**NO. NO. We're... We're making this easier by just letting you spit into jars. (Oh god, I don't need a pee sample!)**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**It was a success! Lady Xiahou Hui's healthy and has a body to work with now. (I'm surprised she even turned out very pretty. I mean... Look at Xiahou Yuan... But he's her grand-uncle, so it shouldn't be a problem.)**

* * *

**Shi,**

**How. Dare. You. I am not Xun Yu with him sticking random penises on people! I guarantee Lady Xiahou Hui doesn't have any stray parts. Give her a spin.**

**Father,**

**She's not some cart that you fixed up!**

**Your son, Shi **

* * *

**Shi,**

**I meant produce heirs.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Hey, I'm not going to sugarcoat this. You two will get together one night and produce heirs. Just like- *smudge***

***big letters* YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE ME THAT IMAGE! -Shi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**How did you know I was going to write that?! **

* * *

**Shi,**

**Well, a bird didn't just drop you out of the sky, that's for sure.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**You're a grown man! I think you can take the fact that I have intercourse with your mother! (And concubines, but they're usually not here.)**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Then don't think about it.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**When you get to be my age, you'll want to rub in your son's face that you and his mother had done it.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**No, I'm not going to do Yang Huiyu next! One wife's enough! And no one here is unique and is related to her!**


	44. Pimpin' for a short time

**Xiahou Dun,**

**No, not Xiahou Ba. Ba Ba, referring to me as a father. (Ugh, it sounds really disgustingly cute to me. I don't like it.) **

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**Forgive my informality for this but... HELL TO THE NO. Like what Guan Yu said just before Wu decided to take Jing, I will not let a tiger marry a dog's whelp.**

**Sima Yi,**

**Won't it be a horse marrying a dog's whelp?**

**Cao Rui**

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**Come on, you too with those jokes?! You know what I mean!**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**Why...?**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**But... why?**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**Deng Ai stealing is very unlikely, let alone a dress.**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**But... why a dress...?**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**I'm skeptical because that sounds more like Zhang He than Deng Ai.**

* * *

**Wang Yi,**

**I think he did this because you almost killed him one time for... I forget. Was he...? No... Damn, I forgot.**

* * *

**Dear Anonymous,**

***sarcasm* Gee, what totally useful information. (I don't need to blackmail Pang De anyway.)**

* * *

**Wei Kang,**

**I'm not afraid of dykes. I just uneasy around them. They could crack at anytime and it'll be Fan castle all over again.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Oh yay, Cao Pi's hitting his mid-thirties. (He can suffer true pain now.)**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**No.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**What can you get for a 35-year old man-child? **

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**He sort of is because he spends days at a strip club and sits around doing things a teenager would do. Basically everything Zhao does.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I'll just give him a box of mooncakes.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I bought so many boxes, now I'm trying to give away them as last-minute gifts. (It's been a while since I needed to bribe someone.)**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Yeah, yeah, here's a box of mooncakes. You'll have another present that is not from me, but from nature. Your lung disease kicks in. (Also back pain and depression.)**

* * *

**Jiang Wei,**

**Yay, more spam. It giving me another reason to put in my will for Shi and (possibly) Zhao to give you a slow and painful death.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Haha, nice one. Zhao hurts people only when he's either being an idiot or actually serious.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I don't love him more because he's the spitting image of me! Phht! You're silly. Shi is everything you're not, that's all.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Well, if I loved you just because you resembled your mother, it would be pure incest/homosexual/pedophilia/Xiahou Dun-level creepiness.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**She was legal by the time you were born! (I don't think a little girl could carry a gorilla like you in her uterus anyway.)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**If you kill Shi, the family will tear apart like how Roman families do. They usually involve the brother dying and the other brother having incest with his mother/sister. And you don't have a sister-**

***vomit stains***

**(Alrrrghlllaaaack! It's what-cest? They look exactly the same! Zhao-cest? Chunhua-cest?! I have no idea what to call their models! I'm gave myself an awful image!)**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**I just felt sick for a moment... Anyway: Don't kill Shi.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Define "love".**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Oh? I describe it as either you actually truly like the person you're with, a feeling that gets sex, a concept that lots of songs are centered on, or the fall and rise of humanity.**

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Forget it. I'm not giving you that phrase. **

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**Sorry, but... ehehehe... My wife... is... calling... for me... to... take out...the... trash... So I will be busy... sorry if I can't do the survey... You know women...**

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**My wife is making me do dishes.**

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**I have cancer.**

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**Chunhua snapped my neck.**

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**I'm a vegetable.**

* * *

**Chunhua, **

**Put the ax away! (How did you get that letter?) I was just lying to Cao Rui! My IQ is still in the 200's, so you can't kill me yet!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Come on, you're joking. That's your job.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I was just making excuses for-Fine, I'll go take out the trash.**

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**See? You saw me take out trash. I wasn't lying for once.**

* * *

**Guanqiu Jian,**

**"We"? There was no "we". You just did what was needed to be done.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**You're getting a high from the smoke coming out of that brothel you went to without me. **

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**(Makes sense why I look so young still and can't die.) Oh? Then you should pay me back for all of that spilled tea. I can't believe you don't trust me and my family's hospitality. If Chunhua tried to poison you, what would be the point? She only hates you for staring too much, but that's not something worth killing over.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Come on, Deng Ai works hard on his maps and you spill tea on them on purpose? You're a dick.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**I'm a dick, but not enough to destroy really good maps. They even have little bumps for mountains and certain terrain! I don't know how he does it, but it looks cool. It makes planning out battle stances fun with all those details.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

** Everyone's getting free shows of my wife changing apparently, I'm just wondering how did they see if the only windows are behind my house and AT THE TOP of the wall. And I'm pretty sure her room has a lock.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**What are you implying? No way people can pick the lock.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Fine, I'll replace the lock.  
**

**Sima Yi,**

**Wait! It could be just that someone drilled a hole somewhere...**

**Jiang Ji**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**I don't see any holes. But the lock is sort of busted. I'm going to replace it.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**What were you doing?**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**I saw you unscrewing my new lock and you had the old lock I threw away. **

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Screw back on my new lock. I know what you're doing.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**I'm quite aware of her being very attractive. (She even attracts her own brother-in-law.) But you would go to such lengths to peek at her? What happened to you?**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Maybe it's because you share a face with twenty other men, that's why those women won't look at you. **

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Give you a face? What model?"**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**There's not a lot to choose from, unfortunately. You're better off in that form you have now. (If you get a face, the stupid fangirls will make me go gay for you. I already got enough on my plate thanks. Right now, it's fine since they don't make generic/unique officer fiction. Ugh, that will be awful if they did.) **

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**How about just asking Guo Jia to set you up?**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**The only women I know are Yuanji, Chunhua, Wang Yi, and Zhen Ji. And they're all married except one of them is married to a generic.**

* * *

**Dear Zhuge Dan,**

**I'm glad you got a nice view because you owe me 5,000 gold.**

* * *

**Zhuge Dan,**

**A peek's 400 gold and a minute is 5,000.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Hey, at least I can recover from Wang Yi's tabs. **

**Yi,**

**You're selling chances to peek at me to random men!**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You walk around in that dress all day, it technically counts as a show. All you need is a gust of wind or a slash of a blade to expose your breasts completely.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Ooh, that's an interesting idea. Me being a pimp. I already got the purple part down.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Think of me as your... manager.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'll stop once I dig myself of my financial hole. Wang Yi during happy hour is hard for me to keep up.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Again, I lost a bet to her. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Just two more months before my account can finally stabilize.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**It's only looking. It's not like I'm letting them have sex with you. (Only I can do that. That's my privilege.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Only the upper part. If they want to look down there, it'll be 99,999 gold and 999 silver and I'm pretty sure no one has that money.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**...It's a gazillion gold to peek down there. (No way you can have this much money.)**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**1,000,000,000,000,000 gold sound alright with you? **

**Sima Yi,**

**How much is for a night?**

**Cao Pi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE OR ELSE I'M GOING TO BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF WITH GUO HUAI'S CANNON OR TELL ZHEN JI YOU TRIED TO PAY FOR SEX WITH MY WIFE!**


	45. Nanmanzon

**Cao Cao,**

**THAT'S NOT FOR SALE. **

* * *

**Zhao,**

**Just fucking stop chasing your brother.**

* * *

**Yuanji,**

**I don't even know anymore... You three get into my office now.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**It got way out of hand and I had to throw all three out into the pond. I don't know, maybe drowning should help them rethink their actions.**

* * *

**Wei Kang,**

**What did you expect me to do? Just sit there until the dyke blows and let us all drown? I'll admit I... overreacted... But that saved everyone, is that all that matters? **

* * *

**Everyone in Shu,**

**Thanks for some kindling for the fires. Winter's coming and you guys just wasted so much wood on all the paper used to send me these ridiculous letters. Ha ha!**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**Look, winter's coming. Snow will come around sooner or later. You can build all the snowpeople you want.**

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**Ignore that. More kindling for fires.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Just give me a moment to laugh at the fact that you have any engineering skills to turn Zhao into a robot cop.**

* * *

**Guo Jia.**

**Ha, you failed physics. It's on your old report card in your file. (Makes sense. He carries magic balls as a weapon.)**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**(Your husband attempted to pay for sex with my wife, but I took his money without holding up the deal.) Well... Cao Pi paid for this... beer... deep...frying...snow...cone...popcorn...meatbun...donut...maker... machine... Yes, he bought a beer deep frying snow cone popcorn meatbun doughnut maker machine.**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**He ordered it on Nanmanzon*. It should come in about a week.**

***parody of Amazon***

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**I know it's stupid, but I don't have a say with him. I'm not his mother nor his father. **

**P.S: Please, I beg you, don't use "With love" again. It made me puke just reading that and I'm sure Cao Pi won't like that either. (Chunhua never used that... Then again, she doesn't want to write those words to me.)**

* * *

**Sun Shang Xiang,**

**You know, you can just leave him if you hated that. An old man like him can't keep up with you, so just go for someone your age.**

* * *

**Sun Shang Xiang,**

**I... You want what out of your what...? (OH HELL NO.) Go to Xun Yu.**

* * *

**Xu Shu,**

**I got them from a bakery. DUH. I don't bake. Do I look like I bake?**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**That is not for fucking sale, I told you! **

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**You already do it for free! You stare at Chunhua's chest when she goes to talk to you occasionally!**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**No. Out of the question.**

* * *

**Dear Meng Huo,**

**I would like to place an order for a beer deep frying snow cone popcorn meatbun doughnut maker machine. (I'm going to have to use Cao Pi's money to buy this in order to lead Zhen Ji away from me.)**

* * *

**Meng Huo,**

**Doesn't matter. I have money, just ship it in the fastest way you have. I'll pay for food for the animal that's transporting this.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**That's... uh... I didn't order this, must have been Zhao. (Okay, just let me try to transfer this to the Wei palace...)**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**That's not for us. (Great, you used it. How am I supposed to clean it and pass it off to Cao Pi and Zhen Ji?)**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Stop using it! You're abusing its meatbun doughnut feature!**

* * *

**Dear Shi,**

**Stop! You're giving yourself the gout! Are they really that good?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Of course! I was planning to return it, but... heh... I... uh... couldn't get to it... (These meatbun doughnuts are going to kill me, but... God, they taste good...)**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**Oh yeah! Cao Pi chose regular shipping, so it may be late. Do you want it still? I can intercept the package and take it to return to its retailer.**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**...Oh... Okay. (You want it? Huh... I'll... Wait, I can just clone the machine!)**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I have no idea how that thing got there. Zhen Ji must have done some shopping. (This is fun. I'm making them yell at each other at each other's spending habits.) But it makes meatbun doughnuts and some more other stuff.**

* * *

**Chunhua, **

**Ohhh... uh... I keep forgetting... Are you sure you don't want to try the meatbuns this thing makes?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**For once in Zhao's life, he made a good decision with this beer deep frying snow cone meatbun doughnut maker machine.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**About 1,000,000 gold.**

* * *

**Chunhua, **

**Hey, I can just sell more peep shows to keep the balance books in check.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**How about making porn? I heard it's a really huge industry.**

* * *

***paper was extremely wrinkled with a face fully imprinted into it***

**Chunhua,**

**Okay, no porn. (Come on! You would make SOOO much money! God, I'm sounding more like a pimp now.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**How about selling those plushes?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**No wonder Hell doesn't want you. **


	46. Getting high

**Zhen Ji,**

**Cao Pi bought it, I swear! I saw him send the order letter to Nanmanzon. **

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**Cao Pi was probably stoned out of his mind. He's a guy that makes bad decisions and should get into rehab.**

* * *

**Zhen Ji,**

**Zhao might have some part in this. But it's a pretty useful machine, so no worries.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Soooooooooooooo? Do I care about Shu? No, so they can die of carbon monoxide poisoning.**

**Father,**

**It's... uh... carbon dioxide.**

**Shi**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Well, they're mostly inside, so carbon monoxide.**

* * *

**Xu Shu,**

**Wow, you're strong enough to carve into stone? I never thought a pool noodle like you could do that. I expected Dian Wei or Xu Huang to do this, but not from you, never from you. **

**No, I will not let you have paper.**

* * *

**Xu Shu,**

**Because fuck Shu and its inhabitants. **

* * *

**Father,**

**Uh... You can clean yourself.**

* * *

**Father,**

**Suuuure... give me a minute...**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Can you go over to your "dear" father-in-law and help him with something?**

**Yi,**

**I have... uh... I have to go take out the trash.**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**But I already did that.**

**Yi,**

**Well, there's more! I am going to that now.**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Come on, I know you wouldn't go near garbage if you were paid a million gold.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**And you're gone. *sarcasm* That's great.**

* * *

**Dear Zhao,**

**Your grandfather needs help, you should go help him like a good grandson. (HAHA!)**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**First thing, YOU BETTER SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND I BETTER NOT HEAR YOU EVIL LAUGH. That's my thing, not yours. Second, wow. I guess you're not that dumb of a blond after all.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Ah, you blond people look the same anyway.**

**Sima Yi,**

**That's... hair-ist!**

**Guo Jia**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**That doesn't make any sense and you know it.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Shucks, Zhao broke down. (Oh yeah, I sent him to wash his grandfather.) Oh well, I'm going to remove the mechanical stuff and fix him with human tissue.**

* * *

**Guan Yinping,**

**Hemp...? I thought Shu's specialty was silk.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**How many of those letters did you burn?**

* * *

**Shi,**

**I know it's cold, but... Putting more isn't going to make this house any warmer! (Wait, it's hemp... And... uuugh... it smells awful.)**

* * *

***writing is normal but it gets very funny in terms with Sima Yi's vocabulary because he is high***

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Have you-have you... uuugh... Have you ever seen... God, I forgot.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Don't be such a downer man... You should... You should lighten... lighten... You know what? You need some... I keep forgetting!**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

***doesn't even bother with grammar***

**whadda you talkin' about? you need take a chill pill or you gonna have a heart attack**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**what are you, a cop? **

**Yi,**

**You're high. **

**Chunhua,**

**you're sexy**

***This is a parody of a line found in Family Guy except it's beginning was "You're drunk" in the original***

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**why aren't you high you're in this house with me**

* * *

**Chunhua, *she's wearing a gas mask***

**Ha, you looks like a... mosquito in that mask... (I'm hungry.)**

* * *

**Shi,**

**i know, these... these meatbun donuts are faaaaantastiiiiiiic**

* * *

**Deer Zhao,**

**Has...Has...Has anyone told you that your hair is soooooooo sooooft...? I mean-I mean...It's like... dog hair...**

**Father,**

***Zhao's high too***

**whaaaa? Did you know...? D-Did you know your hat tastes like people...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh my god, your hair's soooooooo muuuuuuch soooofter than what's-his-name? I just can't... I can't stop touching it... Because it's soooooooo soooooooooft... How'd you do that...? I-I... How...?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Why are you soooo soooooft? Everything's soooooooo soooooooooooft... Your hair smells like... smells like... flowers... I mean.. did you plant flowers into your head...? I... How'd you do that...? Your boobs look like meatbuns...sooooooo can I eat them...? Those are some big-ass meatbuns you've got there... Can I put my meat into your buns...?**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Hey,hey, hey, what's with the giant penis thing you're holding there? *He's talking about a bat, but you know, he's high.***

* * *

***He's back to normal***

**Chunhua,**

**Apparently, I was high off the excessive amounts of hemp being burned. If I made anything offending to you, I am sorry. Be sure to burn those old Shu letters only outside. (To be honest, it actually felt good being high. I should try it again some other time.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh dear, I wrote all of that? **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**That's not that bad. I'm worse when drunk.**

* * *

** Dear Jiang Ji,**

**Here are some papers made of hemp. These burn very well in the fireplace. See you in a month.**


	47. Chapter 47

**Robocop,**

**Uh-huh.**

* * *

**Dear Guo Huai,**

**Here's some more scrap metal. They're a bit "frosty" though, so handle with care.**

* * *

**Shi,**

**Come on, the great Cao Cao lost to a foreigner. That's pathetic. And I already took care of this robot cop.**

* * *

**Cai Wenji,**

**For a moment there, I thought you were Chunhua since you were commanding me to do something. Commanding. For me. To do. SOMETHING. **

**Sima Yi,**

**I am older than you.**

**Cai Wenji**

* * *

**Cai Wenji,**

**Oh yeah... oh... that makes it worse. Anyway, I already took care of that thing.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I don't know, I don't travel a lot.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I'm just soooooo tired... I feel like shooting kids off to get off my lawn.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I'm hitting that stage in my life where I hate everything. (Except sex.)**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**You know that's just plain not true and you know it.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Just give me my paycheck for this month.**

* * *

**Dear Cao Cao,**

**Only 700 hundred gold?! What am I, the maid?! I don't deserve some minimum wage bullshit!**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**You do understand I hold many many files that hold YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION. Hello? You're lucky I didn't use any of these for blackmail or even release them! I deserve more than a mere 700 gold.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**That can barely get anything! **

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I may be rich, but I feel insulted that my services are worth 700 gold to you.**

**Sima Yi,**

**How about 7000? Would that make you happy?**

**Cao Cao**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I will be happy when I see Zhang He tumble down some stairs, Cao Pi blowing himself up when making rice, Xiahou Dun eat a snake, Zhao doing calculus, Shi getting an emotion, Zhen Ji getting bitch slapped by another woman, Cao Ren being able to turn into a tank, Wang Yi and Chunhua get into bed together, and Chunhua herself gets a new dress that doesn't make her look like a whore from Italy. **

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Yeah, I know those are impossible. So I'll never happy.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Okay, maybe Cao Pi blowing himself up is a possibility. But that's just one thing.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**70,000 gold or you can watch me walk out that gate with my things. Which is only my old sword and some pens. (And some porn.)**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Then we have a deal. **

**Sima Yi,**

**I only did this because it'll look really sad to everyone to know that the only things you have here is a rusty sword and some pens.**

**Cao Cao**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**...Pity money? What am I, a cheap whore from Korea?**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**Oh fine. I'll stop complaining.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Oh? What is it now? Burnt "dumpings"* or greasy burnt meat or dry rice?**

***Dumplings***

* * *

***attached is a bowl of pot stickers***

**Cao Pi,**

**These are dried out dumplings. Another fail for you. Can you just ask Zhen Ji to help you at least? Or (god forbid) at least Wang Yi? She can cook better than you and her hands are often slick with animal (I hope) blood most of the time. Or maybe Cai Wenji since she once made Guo Jia spout out every romance line in the book after he ate some of her cooking.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**The bottom of these are burnt blacker than my heart.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**All I taste is the nonstick coating from the pan you used. That was the black stuff apparently. The stuff inside tastes like whale semen. **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I don't know what whale semen does taste like, but I am going to use your shitty dumplings as a possible example for what whale semen tastes like.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Fine, they taste like shit that took a shit on top of more shit.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Just ask your wife. (I can't even cook myself...)**

**Sima Yi,**

**Zhen's busy. May I borrow yours?**

**Cao Pi**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**"Borrow"? Chunhua is not some lawn mower you can borrow and never return again to your neighbor. **

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Um, Wang Yi or Cai Wenji? Or heck, if you're willing to spend some money on long-distance telegraphing, ask Yue Ying. No wait, you can ask the fat man. *Xu Chu***

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**The fat man knows his way around a kitchen better than any woman. I admit myself he's good at cooking.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**Chunhua is decent around a kitchen. But, you do have a risk of food poisoning if you eat anything she makes...About 5%...**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**I ate one thing Wang Yi made and Cai Wenji maybe I had some of her pastries. But Wang Yi was giving everyone the stinkeye to everyone she gave the food to, so we HAD to eat it or we'll end up in her next dish. (It was rare all over. I tasted so much blood in that meat to the point I felt like a vampire.)**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**(Ugh...) Fine. If Zhen Ji's that busy to not help not blow yourself into meat pieces, I'll ask Chunhua to help you out.**

* * *

**Cao Pi,**

**She said no. Go find those two I mentioned earlier.**

* * *

**Dear Chunhua,**

**Soooo... Why don't you want to help him? I'm curious.**

**Yi,**

**He keeps staring at anywhere besides my face and I can't hit him since he's just going to go over to his father and complain and I don't want to go through that again.**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**That's reasonable. (Just get a different dress, woman! It's one simple change that'll make a difference in your life!)**


	48. Chapter 48

**Cao Rui,**

**I can assure you that you are Cao Pi's blood and not of Yuan what's-his-name. I have the medical records to prove it.**

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**You have Cao Pi's frowny face though you don't frown that much. The one that makes him look (hilariously) like Grumpy Cat. And you have Zhen Ji's bitch face even though you don't make bitch faces. To be honest, when you're upset you resemble the both of them, but since you're so optimistic, you don't make these faces. **

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**Your mother never gave Yuan what's-his-name a chance to even copulate. She was busy being (kidnapped) taken away by your father.**

* * *

**Zhu Ling,**

**I... I never thought of that in that way... (Hmmm, maybe he has cravings.)**

* * *

**Dear Guo Jia,**

**I have this triple layer vanilla strawberry cake that Cai Wenji (I bought it from somewhere.) made for you. Want it? I'd hate see a nice cake wasted.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Come on, it's strawberry, the (gayest) sweetest flavor that exists right now. Not to mention the combination of vanilla, the second sweetest flavor.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Come on, you know you want it. **

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**You can't get fat, so chow down.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Not hungry? Sure?**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Fine, have it your way. I'll just go tell Cai Wenji you refused.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Now that's more like it. **

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**That's not how strategy works. I can't just cook one up for a little kid problem.**

* * *

**Xiahou Dun,**

**Xiahou Ba needs love. (Blagghck!) This is based on how Zhang He diagnosis every child that makes an emo face. Including Shi.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Come on, those are pieces of metal. Zhao's right over at my house right now. I'm looking at him right now. Being an idiot like always.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Just eat the goddamn cake.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**You like cake, no?**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**You weren't one of those kids who were fat as Xu Chu?**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Oh, you were just brunette. And you just admitted you're not blonde.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**I didn't tell anyone because it sort of kills the dumb blonde jokes everyone makes.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Duh, you're almost the only person around here with a different hair color, of course the army cracks a few liners over that.**

**Sima Yi,**

**You should report those guys for hate crimes!**

**Guo Jia**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**It's not hate. It's just how we all pass the time. Like how they make fun of my hat.**

* * *

**Guo Jia,**

**Again, "hair-ist" is not a word. That is about as ridiculous as Cao Cao making the word "hat-ist".**


	49. Chapter 49

**Xiahou Dun,**

**I may be a demon, but I make sure my sons not grow into door IQ-ed boys. Like Ba over there.**

* * *

**Li Dian,**

**Oh, really? Or is this one of your incorrect hunches?**

* * *

**Sun Li,**

**It wouldn't work. You don't look like them.**

* * *

**Sun Li,**

**Fine, it's your funeral.**

* * *

**Xun You,**

**Come on, you're just like your cousin and you're blaming him for something I'm pretty sure he can do.**

* * *

**Fu,**

**Bothered? No... What makes you say that?**

* * *

**Fu,**

**I'm a bit irked by the fact the both us can't grow beards and Lang can. Yes, he's older, but... I'm a bit upset.**

* * *

**Dear Xun Yu,**

**You and your cousin did destroy the palace. I knew it, Xun You's like you except with a bad 70's porn moustache and tiny goatee.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**You're just mad that Cao Cao was a dick to you during the last few moments of your life.**

* * *

**Xun Yu,**

**Okay, Xun You got his head chopped for saying Cao Cao's baby name. I suppose both of you have reasons to destroy the palace.**

**P.S: You're paying for repairs.**

* * *

***blood splatter with a tear on the paper***

**Jia Xu,**

**Oh haha. Joke's on you, my hat protected me from most of the damage.**

* * *

**Jia Xu,**

***bigger blood pool***

**I'm fine. My hat's not, but I'm fine. Clever hiding it above my bedroom considering I don't sleep a lot.**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**No.**

* * *

**Sun Quan,**

**A group of horny men is no match for my army,**

* * *

**Hao Zhao,**

**Oh good, here's some fuel and matches. Blow away the honry army away.**

**P.S: Really? Because these days about half of us have pretty faces just like Zhu Ran. (Including me, but I beat all of you.)**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Chunhua is not in the porn industry. (Trust me, I tried.) Oh, I didn't know that those peons have no emotion. Then again, I don't look at their faces.**

**(I hope you never get out of generic hell.) If you do get out of generic hell, I'll just have to curl up into a ball and wait for the gay comic pictures to storm over me or maybe hibernate. **

**Oh... a moocher... I'll see to it... (Oh god, he found out?! I'll have to pin this onto Zhao before Chunhua sees the bill and my history!) **

**Really? People want a piece of her? They'll regret it once they get a hold of her.**

**What's Halloween? Sounds sexual.**

**P.S:****How would you know about Chunhua exposing more...? **

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Yeah, you're not fooling me. And since you're a generic, no one'll miss you when I throw you off the face of the Earth.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Watch me throw you off the Earth.**

* * *

**Cao Cao,**

**I know, a shooting star at this time of year? That is a miracle. (That's Jiang Ji meeting the moon.) I suggest wishing on it for China before it goes away.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**You peek on Chunhua too much. Go peek Wang Yi or something.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**Yes, that's the point. I want her to kill you.**

* * *

**Jiang Ji,**

**You're a generic, I'm an unique officer, I can ignore you anytime I want and you cannot complain.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Last time I checked, you don't have any engineering skills. If you did, why now? Are you suddenly a Yue Ying knock-off? (You two do look each other.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm very skeptical about these. You can barely operate the DVD player.**

**Yi,**

**You can't either.**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm old. You're young, you should know about these gizmos better than me.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Ten years makes a difference. Anyway, those cannons I'll have Guo Huai look at since he's more suited to this than me.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Wow, they worked. Unfortunately, they have a recoil the knocks the person inside out of the seat. Yeah, Guo Huai's a bit... injured. There's a small flaw, but it might be useful against an enemy. As long no one of ours is inside that. **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Just throw it into the enemy lines and those peons will get so cocky they have a pyrocannon and boom! They explode.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Fine, fix the ones that the army will use. (I want to know how are people automatically getting engineering skills. Come on, I expected Yue Ying to be interested, but everyone's a grease monkey now.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I prefer you in porn, not covered in machine oil. (Good idea for a porn.)**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Your body's made for porn, not for messing around with parts. (They sort of sound like the same thing.)**

**Yi,**

**If I were to do that, I would have to do it with several strangers. You're saying you're fine with that?**

**Chunhua**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Who said that? I decide that.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Maybe. Maybe not. Sort of... As long I don't show my face.**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**Oh, fine. More you for me. (I already sold a photo of you in a sexy position. My books are balanced thanks to that. I wonder who bought that. It was a private auction.)**

* * *

**Dear Guo Huai,**

**Here's a get-well mooncake basket. Sorry Chunhua almost killed you with her botched pyrocannon.**

* * *

**Yue Ying,**

**I can't control that! Just because people are taking your thing doesn't mean you nag me like you're my mother over the lines!**


	50. WHOA! CHAPTER 50! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

**Audience,**

**(I knew it. They exist. They call me crazy, but I knew they were there!) Butt no Pick You? Okay, the audience is weird.**

* * *

***attached is the audience letter***

**Dear Chunhua,**

**LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THIS. You call me senile, but look at this! There is an audience! They sent me about something having to pick butts, but this shows they're there! **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I didn't make it up! There are some beings out there, sitting, watching, planning out their next move. They don't even talk... They're so... quiet... **

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**I'm not scared. I'm just... creeped out...**

* * *

**Chunhua,**

**You can feel eyes digging into the soul. Like how you do it, except it's all the time for me. The bathroom is the only place I feel safe in. (Never thought I'd say that...)**

* * *

**Cao Rui,**

**(You're really stroking my ego here, but obviously my ego's eating it up.)**

** I am humbled by your words with me being Wei's invaluable strategist. **

**(HA! SUCK IT, XUN YU, GUO JIA, AND JIA XU! BUT MOSTLY XUN YU. YEAH, FUCK YOU!) **

**As for the reward, I would like to see that Ice Orb as my payment. (Yay, more power to take over stuff!)**

* * *

**Ling Tong,**

**...Wow. You're insulting me. Let me tell you, "man"-with-something-in-his-eye, I have to take care of a messes three times larger than what that ****Neanderthal *Gan Ning* can make. **

* * *

**Ling Tong,**

**No,no,no! You're going to sit there and listen to me list everyone that I have to clean up after!**

* * *

**Ling Tong,**

**Cao Cao pretty much does everything in the book. Cao Pi also since he's a bratty "prince". Guo Jia and Jia Xu are alcoholics and should seek help but in the meantime, I'm stuck cleaning their barf stains. Xun Yu gives me grey hairs just by messing around with reality despite supposedly being wiser than me. Zhang He almost killed me multiple times for calling him fat. Xiahou Ba leaves so much oil around, it's a fire hazard. Guo Huai just got injured and he has a crappy medical provider, so I have to pay since I'm his employer. Zhen Ji slaps me the most out of everyone here since everyone takes out their anger on me since I'm the "nerd". They hurt like the Devil's piss! Wang Yi keeps putting horse heads around me just to make that reference to my name and that movie. Jia Chong is basically taking away the evil thing away from me, and I can't kill him because Zhao's going to be a bitch. OH! Since I'm talking about Zhao, how about I tell you about all of the things I have to do for him? I have to pay out of my pocket to fix the walls he keeps breaking down, he's an bottomless pit, and not to mention the fact that he's a imbecilic boy that can't even get his head out of his ass or Jia Chong's or Yuanji's ass! Whichever! I don't care! Oh, what else? Oh! Those Shu imbeciles, Ohhhh, I'm going to have a field day with that.**

***Fast forward after the Shu paragraph***

**...and that's why I can't have octopus or even look at one. That is what happens when you let Yue Ying experiment with living things and not pieces of metal. Now back to my situation. Did I get to talk about how Shi and Chunhua drive me up the wall? Yeah, I'm going to give it to you. Shi is so goddamn bland, I want to blow my intelligent brains all over the pavement. He can't make a face unless it involves Zhao falling off of something or getting hit by something. Nu Wa, I rather listen to Zhang He's day than sit with him unless on a campaign. He's fun to talk to about who to make suffer first, but get away from the battlefield, he's like a walking statue. Now about Chunhua, gee, where to start? But when compared to everyone, she's the smallest offender. The only time that she actually made me ticked at her was when she threw away my porn scrolls. The ones that had the best drawings of this time. Not that water color bull. You could tell which was the arm and which was the actual breast on those scrolls. Wait, I don't clean up after her. (Maybe back she was little.) Huh, must've gone off-topic. Oh, well, going to send you this anyway. **

* * *

**Ling Tong,**

**Not feeling so special now, huh? Anyway, I found your boyfriend washed up in a bundle of seaweed.**

* * *

**Zhang He, **

**What now? I didn't call you fat, so put those things away.**

* * *

**Zhang He,**

**Those are botched cannons as a result of Chunhua trying to be Yue Ying. If any, get mad at her.**

* * *

**Xiahou Xiuying,**

**Who are you? I've looked into Xiahou Yuan's medical records, and he doesn't have a daughter. Are you adopted? Like Guan Ping-adopted?**

* * *

**Xin Pi,**

**I don't know, considering the fact Cao Cao is so discriminating, he might just even forget it exists. **

* * *

**Jia Kui,**

**He's fine. (He's both dead and alive as a demon. But he's still here, so I guess he counts as "alive".) You let a child kill an animal? That's the first signs of a serial killer!**

* * *

**Jia Kui,**

**Okay, it was a chicken. Chickens are edible, so they don't count. (Everything's edible, but chicken is something everyone wants to eat.)**


End file.
